What kind of club is namedMask?
Well, now I know.
Still, the man I didn’t know approaching me was one thing. I would have recovered from that eventually. I’m not sure if I’mevergoing to recover from the fact that I nearlycame in my pantsbecause Professor Levine called me a good boy, and then freaked out because he asked to kiss me.
I’m prepared to make some kind of pact with a demon if it would just open up the earth so I can be swallowed up before our next class together. I don’t have it in me to explain that me rubbing against him like a cat in heat was one thing, but him crowding that close and wanting to kiss me was a touch too close to what happened freshman year.
Instead, I push my way from the club, suddenly not worrying about who might see me or what they might think. As soon as I’m in the car, my fingers fumble for the AC, like a little cool air will somehow cure me of the heat that’s trying to melt me from the inside out.
“Good boy,” he’d said, and my entire world had centered down to that sensation, to the feeling of pleasing someone.
Safe word. I had no idea what that was, what limits were… what any of it was. I hadn’t known what kind of club I was going to.
I get it now.
I wait for the air to cool, but after a few seconds, when it’s still blowing hot in my face, my anxiety wins out. It would be just my luck that Professor Levine would come outside and find me sitting here like I was waiting for him to leave the club.
I click the AC off and pull out, letting out a tiny little sound as I resist the urge to gun it.
The last thing I need to top this night off is a ticket.
The speed limit is God as I make my way back to my dorm, wondering if I can sneak in without Zandy noticing.
Maybe he’s out with his scary boyfriend again. That will probably make my life a little easier…
Or maybe I’ll end up sleeping in my car, because I’m pretty sure if he sees me looking like I do right now, he’s going to realize something is wrong. I don’t know how to explain that my soul left my body and took a wrong turn down embarrassment street, and now it’s run away from home.
My eyes flicker to my reflection in the mirror—my face is pale, my hair a little disheveled. I look…
Lost.
Lost, and like tonight didn’t do a damn thing to make me any less confused. Yes, it’s obvious that Ilikedwhat was going on… but part of me is starting to wonder whether it wasn’t the fact that it was a man doing it so much as the way it made me feel to…
Let go.
For just those few seconds, when I’d been too stunned to realize what was going on and before my mind had caught up with the fact that I was one moregood boyaway from ruttingagainst the worst idea possible to prove exactly how virginal I was, I’d felt…
Good.
I’dfelt good.
That wasn’t something I was used to. There’d been more satisfaction purring through my head from his praise than any time I’d ever tried to touch myself.
“Absolutely not,” I say as loud and clear as I can, like my own chastising will somehow make the situation better. I’m not about to get into… whatever that is.
Not when I’m still so unsure of everything else.
Not when I’ve already been down the wholeteacher-kissingroad before, and it had ended in a… crash…
The loudclunkof my impending doom makes my entire car vibrate, stutter… and I let out a low groan. It sounds like something under the hood of my car just departed, like it couldn’t deal with the way I was talking to myself, the messed up attempt I’d made at figuring things out.
God, could you give car parts secondhand embarrassment?
“Oh, fuck.” And then, because I can’t help myself. “Sorry, Grandma.” She’s not even here to hear me cuss, but…
My foot steps on the pedal. I’m on a stretch of road between town and the college, probably the only strip that doesn’t have a gas station or building every hundred feet.
Of course this is where my car decides to crap out on me.
