He sighs and rinses his brush. “I’m not sure about it.”
“I am. It’s incredible.”
Miles smirks. “You have to say that because you’re my boyfriend.” He comes over and sits down beside me, and I exhale a breath that feels like it’s been trapped all day. “How are you?” he asks, and for the first time today, I share how I really feel.
“Sad,” I say, and he cocks his head, brows furrowed, as if he didn’t expect me to really answer. “Confused. Guilty.”
“Guilty? You don’t have anything to feel guilty about. Your father—”
“Not him,” I interrupt. “Well…yes, to an extent. I do feel a little guilty because I hated him for so long, when in reality, he raised a son who wasn’t his.”
“And made you feel less than. No one should ever make you feel less than you are, Dax. You’re…everything.”
I grin, hold his face, and kiss him. “Such a closet sweetheart.”
“Don’t ever tell anyone.” He gives a small smile in return, then wraps his arm around me, running his fingers through my hair.
“You’re right. I know you are, but mostly I’m just confused and feel guilty about my feelings about my mom. She was my hero, my safe place. She’s where I felt loved. While it felt like he always did the wrong thing, I believed she always did the right thing. I thought she always had my best interests at heart, and now I’m second-guessing that. I worry she’s not who I thought she was, like I’m an unreliable narrator in my own life. Then I feel guilty for thinking that way. She’s my mom. Iknowshe loved me.”
Miles is quiet, and I realize this must bring up bad feelings for him too because of losing his own mom.
“I’m sorry, Miles. I—”
“Don’t be. You can talk to me. This is how you take care of someone, right?”
I nod.
“I don’t think you should feel guilty for any of that. Anyone would feel that way. You can love her and know she loved you but acknowledge she wasn’t perfect.”
I cock a brow. “Wow. You’re good at this.”
“Shut up.” He tries to pull back, but I hold him tight.
“I’m being serious. That’s exactly what it is, and I didn’t realize it until this second. She was always perfect for me. I thought she could do no wrong because in my eyes, she never did, but she was only human.” We all make mistakes. We allscrew up. We all have shit to deal with, my mom included. Her actions were wrong, and they ultimately hurt me, but that doesn’t take away from the love she gave me. She did her best, just like we all do. “Thank you.”
“Is this where I pretend I know what I did?”
I laugh, lying on my back on the couch and pulling Miles on top of me. His weight, his breath against me, the feel of his skin, are exactly what I need. “Cedric checked on me. The guys at the frat checked on me without even knowing what went down. The only person I wanted to talk to is you. And sometimes talking helps more than we think.” It does for me, and if Miles gave it a chance, it would help him too.
“What are you going to do?” he asks.
“Talk to my boyfriend.” I laugh. “Go to therapy. I don’t know what I expect from my dad—shit. I keep calling him that. Am I supposed to keep calling him that? I don’t know. I’m going to ask for some time away from him, if he even wants anything to do with me now that I know, and I’m going to figure out what I expect, and how I feel, and what I want.”
He runs the tip of one finger from my temple to my chin. “You’re so put together. What are you doing with me?”
“You have a great dick.”
“Obviously.” He smirks.
“I love you.” I don’t want him to ever think I’m only with him for the sex. “And you make me feel loved. I have fun with you, and you’re a good person, even if you don’t realize it…and I can’t wait for you to realize it.”
He stares at me as if trying to work through what I said, trying to believe it, then tells me, “I love you too.” He rests his head against my chest, and this time, it’s me touching him, massaging his scalp, letting him know that just like he’s here for me, I’ll always be here for him.
“I think,” Miles says, “I need to talk to my dad and tell him how I feel. What him disappearing on me did to me. I understand the pain he was going through, the need for help, but how he did it left me very alone.”
Sweet fucking Miles. Saying that wasn’t easy for him, and telling his father won’t be either, but I’m so glad he’s going to do it. “I think that’s a good idea. Maybe it’ll help you find some peace in it all.” I continue to play with his hair. “I can go with you.”
He looks up at that, running his finger along my collarbone, tracing it. “You would go with me, wouldn’t you?”
