“Koen…your first shouldn’t have been for me,” she says, her voice still soft, almost vulnerable.
“It’s not a big deal,” I say quickly, uncomfortable with how close this feels to something intimate.
Her sharpness returns, the shift almost jarring. “You’re too reckless. First a drunken brawl, now this? I’ve had to heal you three times in one week.One week.”
She finishes the healing, then stands, dusting off her hands like she’s brushing me off with them.
“Try not to get injured again. Despite what you seem to think, I’m not your personal healer.”
She begins to walk away, then pauses, turning her head just enough that I can see the curve of her cheek but not her eyes.
“Thank you,” she says softly.
The words sound dragged out of her, reluctant.
Before I can respond, she keeps walking.
I sit there, breath uneven, mind spiraling. How had I known to follow them? How did I know where to go? Why had I thrown myself in front of a dagger for her—killed for her?
The questions spin in my mind, tangled, but the fear I’d felt when I saw the blade and the fury that consumed me whenOsric whispered his threat are burned into me.
I run a shaky hand down my face. This isn’t how any of this was supposed to go. I was going to keep to myself and leave once this was all over.
Now, I don’t even know what I’m doing.
One thing I do know without a doubt is that I don’t regret saving her. If putting myself in harm's way meant keeping her safe, I’d do it again without a second thought.
Chapter 12
?---- Serenya ? ----?
The warm breeze brushes against my skin as I lie in the middle of the wildflower field, staring up at the clouds. It feels good—soothing, even—but it does nothing to clear my aching head. The events of last night keep replaying, refusing to let me rest.
Most of my day was consumed with council meetings. Everyone was searching for Osric. They think he fled, afraid of continuing the trials. I didn’t correct them. I should probably feel bad for the guards they sent to search for him, but honestly, there isn’t much to do around here between trials. So really, they should be thanking me now that they have something to do, even if it is a fool’s errand.
I didn’t tell anyone about what had happened with Osric and Koen, because then I would have to explain Dimitri’swarnings, meaning I would also have to explain that I met with him privately. Though we are not at war anymore, our kingdoms are far from at peace with one another. Tensions are still high. So I decided to just keep this to myself. For now, at least.
The bright side? I don’t have to worry about Dimitri’s warning that one of the contestants is part of Elowen’s court. It was Osric. He confirmed as much last night, though I still don’t fully understand why. Koen interrupted before Osric could finish his ramblings about his devotion to Queen Elowen—another thing I don’t understand, considering he’s human and she doesn’t allow humans in her kingdom.
As soon as I was able to slip away from the meetings unnoticed, I came here. It’s the only place that still feels like mine. Here, the air carries Kallan’s presence. I can almost hear his voice in the whisper of the wind, almost feelhim beside me.
I close my eyes, and there he is again—the first time I brought him here, that smile on his face, the softness in his eyes. My chest tightens, and a tear slips free. Will the pain ever ease? Will I ever be able to breathe again without it being exhausting to take even one breath?
I had been in love with Kallan since I was eight years old. He’s all I’ve ever known. All I’ve everwantedto know. I craved him like my lungs craved air. He had been pure sunlight, calming the shadows inside me in a way no one else could. His smile made the darkest days bearable. When I lost him, it was like losing the only good part of me. I was plunged into a well of endless night. I’ve never truly climbed out.
However, now the emptiness isn’t the only thing inside me. Guilt has joined it, because when I’m around Koen, my heart betrays me. It races, and my thoughts focus only on him. Then Kallan’s face crashes into my mind, and the guilt burns so sharplythat I can hardly breathe.
And Koen…he’s changed since the day he arrived. His sharp remarks have softened into teasing. Last night, he threw himself in front of a dagger for me.Killedfor me. I tell myself anyone would have done it, but I know that’s a lie. I don’t understand him or the pull I feel around him.
I’d tried to convince Torin to take over Koen’s training again, but of course, the jerk refused. Since he trains Koen later in the day, he insists I keep the mornings, even though it is supposed to be his job. He won’t double up just because I want to avoid the man.
I sigh. My shadows curl lazily around the flowers, unconcerned with the sunlight.
My thoughts drift to Dimitri next. He hasn’t tried to reach out to me since I told him I wanted no part in his schemes. Still, I know him too well. He won’t give up that easily. He never has. The thought of seeing him again twists my stomach.
The fact that I miss him, even knowing that I shouldn’t, brings more guilt. But Dimitri was like a brother to me. Different from Torin, but no less important. Torin and I became close after we lost Kallan. Dimitri and I had been bound together since childhood, since birth. That day, twenty-eight years ago, it didn't just take the male I loved. It ripped away my closest friend.
Some pains never fade. I often think about how it would’ve been easier if I had died alongside Kallan. However, the gods don’t grant mercies like that. They left me alive to carry the image of his death burned into me forever—his blood on my hands, his last breath in my arms.
