Torin studies me, voice low. “Is there more to it? You’ve got that look.”
I sit on the edge of the bed, twisting my hands in my lap. “It was so strange. When I looked at him, it felt like something was trying to pull me to him…from inside.” Shaking my head, I add, “I didn’t like it.”
Torin’s gaze lingers. “That’s how it was for Alira and me.”
I stiffen, eyes widening.
Her eyes flick toward him, then back to me. “Not love at first sight,” she admits. “But undeniable.”
“No. I don’t want it,” I mutter. “Not with him. Not with any of them. Besides, that isn’t what this is. This is…I don’t know…It's—it’s different.”
The room falls into silence. My shadows curl against me, whispering what I refuse to say.
“So you don’t see yourself giving any of them a chance?” Alira asks softly.
A lump forms in my throat. I shake my head again, voice low. “I can’t.”
Torin sits beside me, his hand closing over mine. “Whatever happens, you won’t have to face it alone.”
I glanceat him, then at Alira sprawled on the couch. “I know.”
Later, when they’ve left, I wander onto the balcony, my shadows curling at my feet, reaching for something I can’tname.
Kallan’smemory comes to me, like it always does in the quiet. Excruciating. Unwanted. Unstoppable. His laugh, his touch, the way he would always look at me like I was his whole world.
Tears prick my eyes as I grip the railing, whispering to him—a habit I formed years ago. “Tonight, I met the men who will be competing for my hand. They were nice. Well…most of them.” My voice cracks. “It should have been you at that table. You promised you’d find a way. Sometimes, I wonder if you would have.”
I press a hand against my chest, as if it would ease the ache. “I know it does me no good to wonder. I can’t help it, though.” I take a breath. “You haunt me. It’s not fair. Sometimes…I wish you didn’t. But if you stopped…I’d forget. And I can’t. I won’t.”
My voice is barely above a whisper. “I let you consume me in life, and here I am, continuing to let you consume me even in death.”
I’m not sure how long I stand there. Tears still fall when I finally crawl into bed, surprising me. I can’t remember the last time I cried.
Sleep comes heavy and reluctant, my heart still aching, my mind caught in the past. And for a moment, I wish the shadows would just swallow me whole.
Chapter 5
?---- Koen ? ----?
A firm knock rattles me from sleep. I blink at the unfamiliar stone ceiling above me, the threads of a dream already slipping away.
Another knock. Then, the door creaks open.
Torin steps inside, already dressed in his guard uniform, sword at his hip. “Time to go.”
I push myself upright on the edge of the bed, rubbing sleep from my eyes. “Go where?”
“The first trial,” he says, tossing a bundle onto the foot of the bed—a sword, sheathed in polished leather, and a curved dagger beside it. “You'll need those.”
My gut tightens as I stare at them. “I...I’ve never used a weapon.”
His brows lift slightly, but he doesn't comment on the admission. Instead, he picks up the sword again, offering it hilt-first.
“Hold it. Get a feel for the weight.”
I hesitate before standing and wrapping my fingersaround the hilt. It’s heavier than I expected. My grip feels awkward, unfamiliar. Nothing like light magic, which flows through me with ease...even if I still don’t know how to wield that properly, either. I don't tell him that, though.
Torin studies me in silence. “You’ll manage. Just stay alive today.”
