“Good,” he says, his head lolling slightly. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous. S’not fair.”
I chuckle. “Sorry?”
Pax reaches for me and I happily go to him, climbing onto the bed and settling between his legs.
“Wanna tell you something, Wraith.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.” He drags his hand through his messy hair. “I’ve been thinking. A lot.” He laughs softly, and I realize he’s pretty doped up.
“We can talk in the morning if you want.”
“No.” Pax shakes his head. “I want you to know.”
“Know what?”
“I told Coach tonight. Told him I’m gonna do it, Wraith. I’m gonna retire after this season.”
“Wow. Okay. That’s huge.”
“I should’ve done it before. I was too scared. I don’t know who I am without hockey.”
I hold his hand in mine, rubbing the back of it and giving him space to speak.
“I thought I had nothing, you know? Just a fancy house with no one in it.”
“Pax…”
“Please.” He inhales and exhales slowly. “Damn, I’m floating.”
“We can talk later.”
“No, Wraith. I’m fine. I need to get this out.”
My chest tightens. He’s gonna end it. He’s gonna tell me that what we had was great but there’s too much for us to overcome.
And I just have to let him go.
“I’m listening.”
“When I was at the hospital earlier and they were getting me ready for the MRI, I knew it was gonna be bad. I knew it was the end of my career, and for the first time in years, I didn’t care. I wasn’t scared of the future, because…” He shifts slightly. “Because I have one now.”
My brow creases. “What?”
“You. Damn you, Wraith. You crawled under my skin and refused to leave. Now all the things I’ve wanted for so long have bubbled up to the surface. I want to come out and be proud of who I am and who I love. I want to do things with Boone and celebrate what we made it through. And I want to love you. Loudly.”
“Pax… Do you mean it?”
“You didn’t think I did before?”
“I believed your feelings for me, but not that you would stay.”
His eyelids flutter. “How could you believe it when I wasn’tsure either? Let me tell you, when your skates leave the ice, everything flashes in front of you. Every mistake, every high, every low, every desire. Not this time though. All I saw was you. I wanted to be with you, and I wished like hell you were there and could run out onto the ice to hold on to me.”
He laughs softly, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. For a second, I wonder if he’s drifted off to sleep, but he opens his eyes again and focuses on me.
“I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve finally found the thing that makes me happy to let go of hockey.”
