He nods. “Fair.”
“I’ve waited my whole life to love a man and to experience the urge to finally step into the light. I finally find it and it’s…” I huff.
“It’s me. It’s fucked up.”
“I don’t want to want you the way I do. I think about you more than I think about hockey, and I didn’t know that was possible. I’m someone different when I’m with you. Or maybenot different. Maybe it’s a part of me that I shoved down. I like that version of me. There’s so much more than hockey inside of me and I’ve been too afraid to explore it, but you… Dammit.”
My voice cracks as my eyes well with tears. Wraith squeezes my hand before pressing it to his chest over his heart.
“You’ve shown me who I can be when hockey is over. I think the wiser thing is to walk away, but I don’t think I can. So I guess I’m saying… we’re in this fucked-up thing together.”
Wraith gets on his knees in front of me. “If you can trust me, I’ll make it right.”
“I do trust you. It’s not that.” I glance down for a second before forcing myself to stare into his eyes. “I’ve been thinking of how I can make it work in my head. At first I thought, maybe if we just pretended you were going out to a regular job and I could pretend I didn’t know, but that doesn’t work. I wouldn’t be supporting you as a partner, and that’s not fair.”
“Pax—”
“No, let me continue.”
He nods.
“I think you should tell me about it. Maybe not the gory details, but, like, why you’re doing something. Especially now that Shadow said he wants to do better.”
“Are you sure?”
“We can try it. It’s not like I can pretend you went out for ice cream when it’s ten at night and you come back with blood on your hands.”
“I rarely come back with blood on my hands.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I can visit your place a few times a week. Far away from this world.”
“We’ll figure those details out later. We still have a lot more getting to know each other to do before we change our living situation. I still need to decide whether I’m gonna pull the plug on my career or give it one more season.”
Wraith nods. “I’ll support you no matter what.”
“I know. Can you tell me something?”
“Anything.”
“The best and worst parts of your job.”
“Until recently, the worst part was discovering victims along the way. We’ve saved a lot of people from bad situations. We even have an arrangement with a shelter in town for all the women and kids we find in the process of our work. That’s also the best part.” He smiles. “Because we were there, we got someone to safety. We stopped their abuse. Sometimes we save lives too.”
His explanation settles something inside me. “So the best part isn’t killing people?”
“I don’t personally get a lot of joy from it except in those situations I just mentioned. It feels very good to take out a predator. The rest of the time, it’s just a task I do.”
“It’s not that way for all of you though?”
“No. We all have our motivations for how and why we’re here. I told you before that I’m not gonna pretend to be a good man or that what I do is altruistic, but it does serve a purpose, and we’re gonna do a better job going forward to keep innocent people safe. You did that.”
“I’m glad.”
“Me too.”
My phone buzzes and I jump to my feet. “Boone’s here.”
