But he’d been hard to resist. Harder still to ignore. It was why he was the ghede known for sexual encounters. Anytime he’d been around her, his mere presence had set her body on fire and made her want to be his.
Now it just set her temper off, even though she knew she’d have to seduce him if she were to get that damned crook free from his grasp.
How easy her bargain had seemed, but the moment she’d laid eyes on him, the betrayal had been so deep that she couldn’t face him. Let alone charm or seduce him for anything.
She just wanted to rip out his heart and feed it to him. And who could blame her?
How could he do such a thing?
“What does it matter?” she breathed. Like everyone else in her life, he’d abandoned her when she needed him most. He was supposed to be the loa in charge of healing and of untimely death. Yet where had he been when she’d been murdered and her soul ripped from her body? Why hadn’t he come to ease her passage and offer her comfort?
Where had his powers been then, huh?
So much for telling her that she could put her faith in him. That he’d be there for her whenever she needed him and all she had to do was call and he’d be there for her. Always. When it’d mattered most, he’d been nowhere to be found. He’d set her up. And here she’d been stupid enough to think he was staying by her side out of loyalty.
Instead, it was guilt.
That was what sickened her most.
I am unlovable.
As much as she’d felt that way in human flesh, with a woman’s body, she was even more so nowadays. Now, she couldn’t blame anyone for being repulsed by this straw, unnatural form that itched and crinkled. She was an abomination. Abhorrent and foul. She really was the doll they’d once treated her as. A thing to be tossed about as if it had no feelings.
If only. Too bad she wasn’t a thoughtless, useless thing. How many times in her life had she prayed to be such a trifle that felt nothing and knew nothing, only to awaken in this nightmare known as life. Alone. Abandoned. Forgotten.
In the darkness, even your own shadow forsakes you.
Nibo’s words haunted her now. He was right. It was why her favorite verse had always been found in Romans, when the Lord looked upon those who had sinned and proclaimed to them,I loved you at your darkest.
Because that was the one thing she’d always wanted most. The one thing she’d craved since the hour she’d drawn her first breath and hadn’t had the God-given sense to make it her last.
Unrequited love. One that didn’t judge. Or demand. It simply gave. Not because it was required.
Because it cared. Not because she was beautiful or dutiful. Love that came to her in spite of her flaws, which were numerous. A blind love that was loyal and permenant.Thatwas her dream.
And it was one elusive bitch who had taunted her every day of her life. Mocked her so very cruelly. Every time she caught her breath and thought that this day, today, she’d be all right and that no past madness would haunt her, someone or something would come along to remind her that she really was nothing special in this world.
That no one cherished her. If she died on the morrow, there would be no mourners. She’d be forgotten as quickly as a tide.
As Masaka had warned her so long ago, Nibo was a feckless bastard whose head was forever turned to whatever tart came near him. Which was unfair and she knew that. They weren’t the tarts, not really.
Nibo was the whore in this equation. Ever selling himself as a cheap piece of ass for a moment’s worth of pleasure. Keeping his heart locked away as if terrified to let it be touched for fear of what might happen to it should someone ever lay claim to that icy, petrified organ.
She would feel sorry for him if she wasn’t so busy holding a pity party for herself. As it was …
Go drown yourself in your misery, you faithless dog.
For that alone, she’d be happy to get his crook and hand it over to the Malachai. It was the least she could do given what he’d taken from her.
But to get the crook, she’d have to play nice with the sodding bugger.
I’d rather have me eyes gouged out.
Nay, she’d rather beat him until he bled.
Yet in her heart she knew the truth. She’d have rather had Xuri be the man she thought he was. Rather have died than learn this harsh lesson …
That he’d betrayed her.
