Fifth: your husband will instruct you about the differences between men and women.
Finally, I would learn what the boys had learned in their wellness classes. What I had been too embarrassed to speak about. Chris would teach me. Chris would show me. I supposed if it had to happen, I wanted it to be him… and sure, I was curious, but…
But the problem was what came next, because I figured it must have to do with those terrifying, unknowndifferences.
Sixth: your husband will introduce you to your bedroom duties.
Bedroom duties. The brochure acknowledged there might be ‘some discomfort’ as my husband ‘made a woman’ of me. But it promised that thanks to the New Modesty, my husband would know how to give me pleasure—‘the pleasure with which nature has endowed women’s bodies, as a reward for obeying their husbands.’
A reward for obedience. That’s what my body was supposed to feel.
Seventh, and this was the part that confused me most:you must be prepared for your husband to impose his will on your bodyin whatever way he chooses, including disciplining you when you misbehave.
Disciplining me. The brochure meant spanking. It had to mean spanking.
Except… on my wedding night? When I was trying my best to be good?
I stared at the white lace laid out on my bed. In three hours, I would put it on. In four hours, I would walk down the aisle. And tonight…
Tonight Chris would tell me to undress.
“Valerie!”
The door opened and Megan swept in, already dressed in her bridesmaid gown of pale lavender. She looked beautiful and elegant and composed—everything I wasn’t.
Her eyes went to the lingerie still laid out untouched on the bed, then to me standing frozen beside it.
“Val, you haven’t even started getting dressed yet? The photographer will be here in half an hour!”
My eyes filled with tears. “I… I don’t think I can put it on, Meg.”
Her expression softened immediately. She closed the door behind her and came to me, taking my hands in hers. “Oh, sweetie. I know it’s scary. But it’s going to be okay.”
“Is it?” The tears spilled over. “Megan, please. You have to tell me what’s going to happen. After… after Chris tells me to take off my clothes. The brochure said all these things but it didn’t really explain and I’m so scared and I don’t understand?—”
“Shh, shh.” Megan pulled me into a hug, but I could feel the tension in her body. “I can’t, Val. You know I can’t.”
“Please.” I was begging now, clutching at her arms. “You’re my best friend. Just tell me what happens. What does he… what will Chris…”
“Mark would… I’d… you know… I’d be in a lot of trouble.” Her voice was quiet and slightly embarrassed, so that I wondered with a hot blush iftroublemeant what I suddenly thought it might mean. “If he found out I told you anything, he’d… Well, I can’t tell you that.” Megan’s own face had gone rather red. “You know the rules. The husband is supposed to teach his bride. No one else.”
The thought of Megan’s husband punishing her for trying to help me made everything worse. This was what marriage meant. This control. This… discipline. Even for someone like Megan who had been married for two years and seemed so confident.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered.
Megan sighed, glancing at the clock on my nightstand. “I’m going to get Chris.”
“No!” Panic seized me. “Megan, no, you can’t. It’s bad luck for him to see me before the wedding!”
But even as I said it, I knew that wasn’t the real reason I didn’t want her to fetch him. The real reason was that I was terrified of what Chris would do. What he would say. How he would look at me when he saw I was being difficult.
“It’s the only way, Val. You need to talk to him. He’ll know what to do.”
Before I could protest further, she slipped out of the room.
I stood there trembling, my heart pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. Chris was coming. Chris would walk through that door any moment and he would see that I hadn’t even started to get ready and he would be angry and…
And what?What would he do?
