“I was desperate for a friend!”
“Details …”
Rainbow barked again, apparently having opinions about our argument. Or maybe she’d spotted a dust particle. Hard to tell with those eyes.
“Do you know why he killed that guy?” she asked.
“No. Do you?” I leaned forward, shocked at how much I wanted to know.
She shook her head. “No.”
Damn. “Well, your experience was an anomaly. He’s a killer. I can’tnothate him.” Maybe if I said it enough times, it would come true. Like Dorothy clicking her heels inThe Wizard of Oz.
She sighed.
“You think I’m judging him,” I said.
“Are you?”
I considered this. Truth was, I had to, didn’t I? It was absurd to feel whatever that was between us when he’d touched my hand. When he’d protected me. I had to hold on to the fact that he was a killer. “It’s been my experience that men like that deserve to be locked up. My ex …” I shook my head, letting my thought go unfinished.
She took a deep breath. “Look. People think there are bad guys and good guys. Two separate categories. But I’ve learned that every human is a blend of both. On any given day, in any given circumstance, you never know which one is going to come out.”
I stared into my wineglass, hearing the echoes of Dr. Mercer’s similar words. “My ex did a great job suppressing the bad parts of himself. His family and our friends thought he was wonderful.” My voice went flat. “But beneath that mask was a simmering need for control. Probably instilled in him by his own father, who punished him harder than most. At least that’s what I hypothesized. I guess it doesn’t matterwhy. Just that hewas. Controlling. Manipulative. And when he wanted to be, downright terrifying.”
Faith was quiet. Rainbow had stopped spinning and was now watching me with something that might have been sympathy. Or indigestion.
“Not all the time,” I continued. “He thought a night of flowers and a fancy dinner should erase one argument that turned violent. In his mind, there are twenty-four hours in a day. If he hurt me for three minutes, the other twenty-three hours and fifty-seven minutes should count for more.”
I touched the base of my throat without thinking. The spot where he’d grabbed me.
“But those three minutes were everything. I couldn’t tell you the color of the flowers he sent me. But I can tell you exactly what shade of purple my lip turned. I couldn’t tell you what I ate at the fancy anniversary dinner. But I can tell you what it feels like to be punched in the gut while wearing a dress.”
“Jesus, Harper.”
“So, yeah”—I forced a smile—“I see things in black and white. Good guys and bad guys. It’s … safer that way.” And I needed to remember that. I saw past the red flags Silas sent me, rationalizing them away, telling myself he was a good guy with trauma in his past. And look where that got me.
I couldn’t make that mistake again. And by the way, all Knox and I did was touch hands. Okay, fine, held hands. And before that, brushed fingers, and before that, there were all the weeks of looking and feeling his presence like a hum in the air, but still, why was I spinning out THIS much about that?
Faith reached over and squeezed my hand. “I get it. I do. But here’s what I know about Knox. These five guys? Ryker, Knox, Blake, Jace, Axel? They’re closer than blood relatives. They bust each other’s balls constantly, but they’d die for each other. It’s a brotherhood.” She paused. “And they’re decent human beings. All of them. If Knox was some violent, sociopathic, homicidallunatic, they wouldn’t have anything to do with him. So, there must be more to the story.”
Relief wound through my body, and a little voice in my head said,See? He can’t be some monster. It’s okay to keep developing a friendship with him.And damn it if my hand didn’t tingle at the memory of his touch. But it was still wrong. Professionally and psychologically. I had FLED a violent man. I wouldn’t entertain the thought of starting something with another.
Besides …
“Even if there was some good reason to kill whoever he killed, I don’t see how I could ever get past that,” I said. And that was the truth.
“Gee, thanks.”
I cocked my head. “You killed a man in self-defense.”
“How do you know Knox didn’t do the same?”
“Because if it was self-defense, he wouldn’t have pled guilty.”
Faith considered this. “How do you know?”
Exhaustion and frustration wound through me.
