My throat was closing up. I had to keep swiping at my eyes like they were some kind of broken faucet.
Page after page. Memory after memory.
Her first dance recital. She stood on stage in a purple tutu, frozen mid-twirl, her arms stretched wide, like she was trying to hug the whole audience. The note beside it read:
Dear Dad,
I was so nervous that I almost threw up. But I didn’t! I pretended you were in the front row, and that made me brave. I hope you would have clapped the loudest.
Love,
Gwen
Her tenth birthday. A candid shot of her mid-laugh, frosting on her nose, surrounded by a blur of friends in party hats. Ten candles glowed on a lopsided cake.
Dear Dad,
I’m double digits now! That feels really grown up. I made a wish, but I can’t tell you what it was, or it won’t come true. (But you can probably guess.)
Love,
Gwen
Middle-school graduation. She wore a white dress, her hair in two French braids, clutching a rolled-up certificate like a trophy.
Dear Dad,
I walked across the stage today. I pretended you were watching from somewhere I couldn’t see. It helped.
Love,
Gwen
Her first car. A beat-up Honda she was clearly proud of. She leaned against the hood, keys dangling from one finger, grinning.
Dear Dad,
I got a car! It makes a weird noise when I turn left, but I love it anyway. I know you would’ve taught me to drive if you could.
Love,
Gwen
Every single milestone. Every moment that mattered to her. She’d come home, printed a picture, and written me a note.
She’d included me.
Even when I wasn’t there. Even when she was angry. Even when she’d started to believe I was never coming back.
She’d included me.
I was with her all along.
“This is …” I couldn’t find the words. My voice came out wrecked. Destroyed. “You have no idea what this means to me.”
“Deep down, I think I knew I’d see you again someday, Dad.” Her eyes were bright now. Glassy. But she held it together. “And I didn’t want you to miss out on anything. I wanted us to have those moments together.” She smiled, trembling just slightly. “This was my way of making that happen. Of including you in my life.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose.
