Part of it was that I knew he was privately freaking out about it, though he was doing a pretty good job of hiding it. He was probably also worried about how I was handling things, and so far, I thought I’d done a good job of keeping my thoughts to myself.
Which was good because I didn’t even know what my thoughts were yet. I couldn’t just say I liked it or hated it. There was no way to pretend I hadn’t gotten some fun out of it though. That I’d come even faster than when I was jerking off showedthat, and I’d been feeling pretty damn good after I’d come in his mouth. Well, it wasn’t my plan to come in his mouth, but that image had lingered in my head since.
Walker could waver back and forth when he had to make up his mind, like a nervous kid waiting at the edge of a diving board over the deep end. Yet when he decided, he was a force to be reckoned with. Either he was going to cannonball off the end of that board, or he was going to make a swift and solid retreat to the ladder and back to safety. So it wasn’t surprising that once he’d been provoked enough to stop screwing around and startreallyscrewing around, he had committed in no time flat, all hesitancy and wariness gone.
Now it was back, and I couldn’t make him feel better about the worries bothering him.
It had been fun; I had enjoyed it, but I was left wondering what it all meant. Sure, it had made complete sense once I’d kissed him. Everything I’d felt when he’d been the one to kiss me, and even the memory of how odd I used to feel around him in private, non-sexual moments in the past, made a lot more sense. I’d clearly liked what was happening and had been turned on.
That was the only thing that made sense, though. Nothing else about it did, like why the hell it was happening. I could swear that I had never once felt that sort of thing for a guy, at least not before Walker. Even back then, I hadn’t realized what it meant and probably would have gone the rest of my life not realizing. But then he’d had to go and kiss me and now I was dealing with the fact that my streak of heterosexuality was broken, and it wasn’t even because I’d been hiding in a closet and finally caved…I really hadn’t suspected something like this was possible.
Which wasn’t exactly what someone who’d confessed to being attracted to you, and then gave you one hell of a hand job,wanted to hear. Especially when I couldn’t say if it was because the hand job itself was that good, or because I was actually into him. I mean, could you just be into the idea of doing something sexual with someone, or did you have to be attracted to the person too?
If it could be true, I didn’t want to do that to Walker; he deserved better than to be treated like a sex toy.
“You’re looking awfully serious,” a voice popped up, and I turned to see Luka, one of the newest Guides at the resort, appear with a cup of coffee. “I’m not used to seeing that look on your face.”
“Probably ’cause most people don’t see me thinkin’ all that much,” I said with a grin. “Don’t happen very much.”
“Yeah, I’m sure there’s nothing but cobwebs and the sound of wind in that skull,” Luka said with an eye roll so sarcastic there was no doubt he was mocking me. “Want to share what’s on your mind?”
Alright, I might be struggling to deal with what had happened and what it meant, but that didn’t mean I was going to blab to the first person who asked. “Are ya tryin’ to move in on bein’ my Guide? ’Cause it seems like Reggie gave up on givin’ me one just like he gave up on Clay.”
“He didn’t give up on Clay,” Luka said as he took the seat across from me. “Arete doesn’t believe in trying the same thing several times if it’s not working. Reggie decided not to assign Clay a Guide because it didn’t seem to help him. And would you look at that, his first season without a Guide and he had a…well, I’ll call it a breakthrough.”
I snorted. “Clay would call it a breakdown.”
“Well,” he said with a worried frown. “It’s funny, Rowan was the one who talked to me about that after he heard me talking to Reggie about Clay.”
I was going to ignore the fact that he was talking about my best friend without Clay present, and address something else Luka had let slip without apparently realizing it. “Rowan…the first guy you were a Guide for?”
“Yes, and failed miserably since he had to leave.”
“He left and came back to be a big investor, I hear. And you’re, uh, talkin’ to him routinely, eh?”
“We…talk.”
“You’re together.”
“I didn’t say that.”
I grinned. “Everyone knows it, even though no one wants to confirm it; we know. Might as well just admit it. I won’t even tell people ya told me.”
“I’m not confirming anything,” he said resolutely and then made a pained face. “And I’m not denying anything.”
“What? Afraid that if ya deny it, that means it would say ya weren’t dating him? Or did ya feel bad for it sounding like ya were datin’ him?” I wondered with a smirk.
Luka wrinkled his nose. “How about we talk about whatever was bothering you when I walked up instead? That sounds like a lot more fun than a hypothetical conversation about my love life.”
He wasn’t fooling me, but hey, this place was full of people with secrets that kept them awake at night. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing if Luka had a secret that made him smile when he lay down to sleep.
“Don’t really wanna get into it,” I told him with a shrug and then thought about it. “Actually, kinda had a question ya might be able to answer.”
Luka raised a brow and gestured toward me with his cup. “Be my guest.”
I thought carefully about how to word it. “If I was tryin’ to figure out if, uh, I liked spicy food, but I’d never thought abouthavin’ spicy food before, but then I got a bit of spicy food, and ended up kinda likin’ it but realized I didn’t know if I likedallspicy food or just…that spicy food, what would I do to figure it out?”
Luka stared at me for several seconds before leaning back and clearing his throat. “Spicy food?”
