That was until I heard a familiar thunking noise that signaled Cade’s approach for lunch. I immediately got up and dumped the contents of my plate into one of the garbage bins, sparing a pained thought for the food I’d wasted. I could tell from the direction of the sound which entrance he was coming in and headed for the other before his hulking frame appeared in the doorway and he spotted me.
I let out a small breath of relief when I got through the door, nervously glancing to the side to confirm I had in fact got out before he came in. For the past few days, I’d done a good job of avoiding him. Even when I was in my room, I was grateful for the privacy mode function that meant no one but certain staff could enter. It still meant he had tried to come in, alerting me he was outside, but I had ignored it, pretending I was sleeping or in the shower.
Did I think he believed either was true? Absolutely not.
I knew he was trying to hunt me down and make me feel better, never realizing that there was no making me feel better. I had done the very thing I had wanted to do the first day I’d met him, and he’d walked up to me without hesitation, thrown his arm over my shoulder to drag me along to meet the team. I could still remember the almost star-struck feeling that had taken over my thoughts, wiping away anything but the urge to stay right where I was. His grip had been pleasant and welcoming, and all I’d wanted to do was to hold him back, to tilt my head back and let him do whatever he wanted.
From that moment, I had worked like hell to bury that feeling, to put it in chains and keep it on a short leash. I knew, even then, there was no chance of ever making it go away completely, not through sheer willpower. That wasn’t how feelings worked. But I could keep them under control; I could let them rot in some mental box where I couldhopethey would die out and eventually leave me in peace.
They hadn’t, but I’d kept them under control, anyway. It was the same fight I had to go through when I ran into him again after all these years. I had thought they were under control, that I could still be the friend I needed to be. That was clearly not the case, because my self-control had been sorely tested and I had broken.
“Hey!” a voice cried out as I walked aimlessly to get as far from the cafeteria as soon as possible. I tensed before realizing that it wasn’t Cade and turned around. Only to see that it was Logan of all people, and with a roll of my eyes, I turned around and kept walking. “No wait! Seriously, just wait.”
I looked up at the ceiling as if God himself might write the answer to what I was supposed to do on the ceiling before sighing and bringing my feet to a halt. I turned to watch him as he jogged up. “This better not be part two of your attempt to get in my pants. I’m not in the mood. I’ll just skip to doing worse than Cade did, and I don’t really give a shit if I get in trouble.”
“No, hold on,” he said, holding up his hands in surrender. “That’s…actually fair.”
“Is it now?” I asked dryly.
“Yes,” he said immediately, pausing as if waiting for me to say something. He appeared earnest, though, so he had my attention. I only raised my brow so he would get on with whatever this was. “Look, I-I was a prick, alright? I shouldn’t have kept pushing you. You were right, you were being obvious that the answer was a no and I kept pushing. That was fucked up and I shouldn’t have done it.”
I frowned. “I’m glad that finally became obvious.”
“Look, I’m trying to…” he sighed, running his hand through his hair and looking frustrated. “I’ve been…well, I’ve been struggling. I know everyone here is, but me…I, well, I’m not good at this shit. And I’m not good with the fact that I’m like…into guys.”
Oh boy, I was officially facing someone who was trying to come out of the closet to themselves, when I had my own problems to deal with. “From the sound of it, you’re a lot into guys since I’m the second guy you’ve harassed.”
He squirmed. “Look, I’m…getting there, alright? It’s like, I don’t want to do that stuff. Sexual stuff…with guys, I mean. Idon’t. But when I’m doing it, it feels great, it feels amazing, and it feels like…like I’m doing something right for once.”
Oh, fuck my life, I was actually going to stand here and listen.
“And that sucks, because I hate it afterward. But then it’s like, I still want to do it. So then when I try, it’s like I’ve got it all in my head that it’s going to happen. But when someone tells me no, not because they’re not into that, but because they’re not into me, it just…” he swallowed hard. “I don’t know, it’s like it proves I shouldn’t be doing it. That it’s fucked up to be doing shit with other guys, but Istillwant to do things with them.”
“So you keep pushing because if they say ‘yes’ eventually, that means there’s still some right in all the wrong you’re feeling?” I offered, looking him over. “And if they keep pushing their no, it makes you ashamed and that pisses you off.”
His mouth opened, and he hung his head. “Yeah. I mean, I know that doesn’t make what I was doing okay. I get that. And I need to work on shit better. I just don’t know how.”
Nope, I was not a charity worker for self-hating gay men who wanted to find the courage to creep toward self-acceptance. This guy had already pissed me off and made it clear that he couldn’t be trusted. It didn’t matter that his explanation made complete sense; I knew how destructive someone could be when they were fighting internal battles that they were only barely aware of. It also didn’t matter that his apology appeared genuine, and although he had insisted on giving me the apology, he hadn’t pushed anything else on me. That he wastrying, even if it was just for a moment, did not compel me to offer him sympathy or help.
“Well, congratulations,” I said dryly before I could walk away. “You’re doing the first step. You ever admitted that you like doing shit with guys out loud to someone before?”
“Er, no,” he said, and I wasn’t surprised to see him glance around the empty hallway to make sure there was no one listening.
“Boom, first step taken care of,” I told him. “The second is going to involve talking to someone who can actually help you. I hear they’ve got some therapists on staff; I’d figure out which one you want to talk to and then talk to him. There’s not a lot more that I can help you with.”
“I wasn’t gonna ask you for help,” he said, sounding surprised.
“Good, then while you work up the courage to talk to a shrink, maybe try jerking off while thinking about guys and then not beating yourself up for it,” I said, and when he looked shocked, I snorted. “Yeah, well, I went through getting over that shit in my teenage years. That’s why I’m not going to be of any help to you right now, my process started a lot sooner, I didn’t get the chance to build up all the fucked up self-hate you’ve got brewing away in that thick skull of yours.”
He squinted. “I can’t tell if you’re trying to help me or if you’re being an ass, which I deserve.”
“You do,” I said with a huff. “But I’m not in the mood to smack you around like you deserve.”
“Right,” he said nervously, looking at me hopefully.
I stared at him. “I’m not going to beat your ass, and I accept your apology. But that isnotan invitation to sleep with me. Just because someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they want to get naked with you. Learn that shit real quick before you learn how to be okay with the fact that you like dick.”
“Uh, yeah, I know, I figured,” he said, though I wasn’t totally convinced. “That…that wasn’t why I came up to you. I really just wanted to apologize.
