Walker glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “It really doesn’t bother you that I almost tried to jump you?”
I figured it would be best if I actually thought about my answer rather than giving him the one I already knew; I owed him that much. It had been surprising; I hadn’t seen it coming, but I couldn’t say it wasshocking. The only shocking thing was that he felt that way about me. It was only in the past year that I’d stopped thinking of myself as part of a person rather than a whole one, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t aware that other people weren’t going to see me the same way.
Yet he had been willing to hop into my lap without hesitation. In fact, he probably would have done more if I hadn’t broken the spell. By itself, that was weird to think about, and not just becausesomeonewas willing to do it…but because it was Walker. I had been trying to put together the lighthearted and happy Walker I had known with the Walker I was dealing with now, whose heart was heavier, his happiness affected by more cynicism and bitterness than before. Now I had to understand that not only had his past self struggled to be around me becausehe was into me, but his present self was having the same difficulty.
It did make a few things from the past make more sense. I hadn’t missed that he had always been wary of being touched by the rest of us, and I knew it was because he’d been hiding his sexuality. I now knew it was because he’d been fighting like hell to build up his mental walls, and when he’d finally managed it, he had grown comfortable enough to let us be ourselves with him. Yet even back then I had noticed he hadn’t been as comfortable with me, and he’d always been a little…odd. At least now that made sense.
He had been attracted to me, so much so that he still struggled even with that wall up in his head. So I guess he had been surprised by the attraction showing back up now, and when I tried to get answers out of him, the time he’d spent trying to build the wall back up hadn’t been enough. I wasn’t sure what had provoked him to be so…forward, but all I felt was curiosity and that weird but oddly pleasant squirming in my gut. I wasn’t upset with him; I wasn’t mad; I wasn’t bothered other than trying to figure out…had I liked it?
“No, I’m not mad at ya, or upset,” I told him, meaning it. Because the bigger question was…was that weird feeling because I wasn’t used to someone being into me after all this time, or because I was… Was I into what Walker had been offering?
If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have questioned it. It would have been an instant dismissal of the weird feeling as just circumstance; it was a strange situation after all. Except it was Walker, and I had always had a weirdness with him. I still remembered how it had felt for him to sleep with me back in the day. I hadn’t thought about it much back then because it didn’t seem important, when really it was more important that we were comfortable and got some sleep. It felt more important now because the weirdness I felt back then was back, exceptit was stronger, harder to ignore, because of its intensity and because there wasn’t a bunch of potentially life-threatening things waiting around the corner.
Walker squinted at me suspiciously. “Not sure if I should be worried about what you’re thinking or leave well enough alone.”
I snorted. “I’m just thinkin’. I do that sometimes.”
He rolled his eyes. “I know you do; everyone does. Well, maybe not everyone, but I know you do. I told you not to act like an idiot around me, Cade.”
“I know, I know,” I said as placatingly as I dared. “Just a joke.”
“Some jokes aren’t funny,” he muttered in irritation, but considering he didn’t persist, I thought he was mollified. Even back then, when I had considered him a lighthearted, gentler person than he was now, he had always had a spine of steel stronger than my fake leg, and wasn’t afraid to speak up and give someone a piece of his mind if he was motivated enough. Usually, it was when someone was being stubborn about getting the medical help they needed, which meant I had been on the receiving end of his temper a few times.
“I got ya,” I said. “Are you, uh, okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said, and I realized he had drawn himself up so that his legs were folded, covering his groin.
I remembered the outline in his underwear in the locker room. “Did that, uh…turn you on or somethin’?”
His stare was intense. “What?”
It was funny that I, the straight guy, was handling this better than he was. I gestured to him. “You’re, uh, sittin’ funny is all. I mean, it ain’t like there’s a guy on the planet who hasn’t had to learn how to hide that sorta thing from the minute puberty starts smackin’ ’em around.”
He glared. “Itold you, the moment overtook me. My mind realizes that, but the body is taking its sweet time getting the message.”
Okay, so my theory was right, he had got hard…interesting. I mean,wasit interesting? Or was it just… Actually, I didn’t know where that thought was going. My thoughts kept jumping all over the place, and it was getting more difficult to figure out where they were trying to go, let alone make sense of them. I had already settled between us and in my head that I wasn’t bothered by what had happened. I knew I was having a weird reaction to the whole thing, but it wasn’t a bad thing. I wanted to make him feel better, but I wasn’t sure how to go about that. I also knew curiosity was simmering inside me, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
“It’s alright,” I told him gently, smiling. “These resort pants don’t exactly do a lot to cover things. Probably should have thrown on some underwear; that might’ve helped.”
“Maybe,” he said, clearly uncomfortable. “Maybe not, doesn’t matter. Well, maybe for me, but I don’t know about you.”
“What about me?”
“I mean…goddammit, every turn of this conversation feels like a punishment for some crime I’ve forgotten all about. Maybe I need to have a conversation with a past life or something.”
“Ugh, what?”
“Can we just…not?”
“I’m just confused. I’m tryin’ to…I dunno, understand.”
His nostrils flared again. “I was trying to make a joke, but then I realized it’s creepy.”
“I don’t think anything you’ve done or said has been creepy,” I told him honestly. “Plus, maybe a joke is just what ya need right now, ’cause you’re lookin’ kinda wound tight.”
“I can’t imagine why,” he said dryly, and then sighed. “I was just going to say that based on what I’ve seen of you in thepast, and that most guys aren’t even close to their full size when soft, even while comfortable, I was going to joke that wearing underwear probably wouldn’t do a lot of good to conceal your dick when it’s hard. At least in pants like these.”
“Oh,” I said, then realized it wasn’t just a sneaky compliment; it was a sign that he had definitely been paying attention when he’d been looking at my body. “Oh.”
