“Yeah, I don’t really sleep much either. Used to sometimes.” I stopped and wasn’t sure why.
He raised his brow. “What?”
I shrugged, uncomfortable. “I, uh, used to sleep with Clay.”
“I assume, based on your heterosexuality, you mean that in the literal sense.”
“I…what? Oh! Uh, yeah, like actually slept with him,” I said with a sudden laugh. “He definitely tried the other way first, though…a few times. Until he realized it wasn’t gonna happen.”
Walker smiled. “Persistent?”
I thought of Logan and wrinkled my nose. “He wasn’t really tryin’. He’s…I don’t know how to explain ’em. I told him no the first time, and I think every time he tried after that was like…him tryin’ but not, if that makes sense.”
“Going through the motions?”
“Yeah. He’s weird. I used to give ’em shit for bein’ a walkin’ boner but I knew he was more than that. I think he just thought he needed to hit on me for a bit there.”
“Saving face?”
“Yeah, he already had a reputation, and I think he was just…riding that out. But then I had a bad day around him and he stopped.”
“Bad day?” Walker asked lightly.
“I get ’em sometimes,” I said, willing to tell Walker of all people, but it felt weird to admit to them when I tried to keep them from other people. “It’s like being in a dream, but I know I’m awake. Everythin’ just gets all messed up and confused in my head. I know it ain’t real, but it’s like part of me doesn’t, and my body don’t always know which side to pick.”
Walker’s expression was gentle as he stared into the distance rather than at me, as if that was necessary for me to know he was listening. “I sort of know what you mean.”
“Sorta?”
“Well, it’s more like when I’m dreaming, it feels like I’m awake. Everything is so real, except none of it’s real; it’s all…too much. It’s somehow more than real life could ever be. More intense feelings, more confusing landscapes, and just…everything is like you said, jumbled together. On some level, I know it’s not real, but that part of my dreaming mind is tied down, completely helpless to stop what’s happening. It’s like I’m forced to see it through.”
I lapsed into silence at that; it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, almost friendly, really. Well, maybe not friendly, but…friend like.
Speaking of. “So, uh, you sure you’re alright?”
He blinked, his vision clearing. “What? I mean, other than the obvious, because I’m here, so obviously something has to be wrong with me?”
“Well,” I said, shifting uncomfortably in the seat. “I don’t know.”
He rolled his eyes almost immediately. “You obviously know, so just say whatever it is.”
I took a deep breath. “Alright, well, I don’t know, ya just seem quiet lately. Like ya don’t wanna talk to me, and it’s kinda…felt like ya don’t wanna be around me.”
I shut up quickly before I said anymore. I was already struggling with what I really couldn’t bring myself to say as it was. It already felt awkward as hell to tell him I was feeling…unwanted? Unliked? That sounded stupid, let alone putting it into actual words when he already had plenty to worry about as it was.
He watched me for a moment, tilting his head. “I’m sorry, are you…nervous?”
I felt my face warm. “M-maybe?”
He stared at me before snorting and turning his head to the side. “Seriously?”
I couldn’t help but fidget with the handle of the coffee mug. “I’m allowed to be nervous about stuff sometimes.”
Walker snorted. “I mean…yes, you are. I just wasn’t expecting it.”
I tried not to fidget. “I just…ya been actin’ kinda distant, is all.”
Walker stared at me, his nostrils flaring before he turned his head away with a sigh. “Of all the things for you to… And if I said it’s nothing to worry about, and you did nothing wrong?”
