I frowned. “Wait, did you think you bein’ gay was gonna make things weird? For, like, touchin’ ya and huggin’ ya and all that? Or, uh, was it weird for ya ’cause you like…well?—”
Something flickered in his gaze, but was gone in an instant. “I wasn’t worried I was going to want to jump Kines or Bassey…or whatever.”
I watched him for a moment because it felt like he wanted to say more, but when he didn’t, I snorted. “So ya thought we’d be weird about it.”
“It wasn’t because Ithoughtyou would; I was afraid it would happen,” he said with a shrug. “You spend your life living in the closet. Even if it’s not because of yourself, you still worry how other people are going to react. That’s just how it goes, Cade. And I guess, yeah, it was a little weird to have a bunch of guys touching me all the time. I didn’t get any, like…sexual feelings or romantic ones from it, but I was always afraid something in my brain would betray me. And then after I told you, and I remembered the next day in the midst of what has to be the worst hangover in the history of mankind, I was…yeah, afraid something was going to change.”
I smirked. “But nothin’ did, because we already knew, and weren’t shy about bein’ around you.”
“Which I figured out, eventually. It helps to make clearer judgements when it doesn’t feel like your stomach is going to crawl up out of your throat or your head feels like Ragnarök is going on.”
I stared at him. “Really?”
He frowned. “What?”
I rolled my eyes. “Ya literally ended up sharing a bunk with me that night. That didn’t stick out?”
From the look on his face, he hadn’t thought of that. “Well?—”
“Wow, I show ya in the most direct way that I don’t care about that, and you don’t even remember it,” I said with a weary sigh, grinning as I shook my head. “I’m hurt.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d bunked with a member of my team, and about the third time I’d bunked with Walker, who always seemed to bunk with someone else. It had been perfectly normal, though I’d learned that a sober and sleeping Walker was polite and quiet, while a drunken sleeping Walker spread out, so he lay on me rather than with me most of the night. Not that I minded, though it had caused some…strange feelings, having him pressing his body against mine, drunk or not. The feeling wasn’t uncomfortable, but was certainly different from anything I’d felt bunking with anyone else.
So, I had to guess there wassomethingto my joke that I was bothered he didn’t remember it, drunk or not. Not that it made sense for me to be bothered, but since when had emotions ever made sense? I was most assuredly straight; there were enough women, both short-term and longer, to prove it. And yet that one night had left me with feelings I couldn’t explain as I’d laid there with him sprawled over me, snoring heavily, but also stuck with me for years. It wasn’t being attracted to him, but it wasn’tnotbeing attracted to him.
Yeah, it still made little sense to me, even years later.
Walker didn’t notice that my thoughts had gone a little strange, thankfully. “Yes, I’m sure you are deeply wounded. I don’t know how you’re going to recover from this horrible blow.”
I grinned. “I’m sure I’ll find a way; it’s gonna take me a while, though.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you’re here where being healed is the whole point,” he said with a snort.
I didn’t miss the tone of bitter irony in his voice; he obviously wasn’t a believer in the resort, but…it wasn’t the time to make him believe either. Earlier this year, there had been a guest who hadn’t believed in the results of Arete either, but through the work of the newest Guide who was chosen properly and given the right training, which could have only happened if the resort was running properly, he changed his mind. This place hadn’t done a lot for me, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t do what it said.
I didn’t know why Walker was here, but I knew something significant had to have happened, maybe repeatedly. I could only hope that in the end, he opened himself up to the help Arete could offer him. In fact, maybe there was a way for me to help him. I didn’t know how that was possible when I wasn’t exactly in a place to help anyone, but it had to be worth a try. He might not have been with my team at the beginning, or the end, but that didn’t take away from the fact that he had once been one of ours. My entire team and I had thought that even after he was gone, and I wasn’t going to stop thinking of him that way.
“So,” I said, glancing at him, “wanna see a better view of this place?”
Walker raised a brow. “Sure.”
For now, I could start by being his friend.
WALKER
“Ah,it hurts but feels so good,” I groaned as I pushed the bar back up and set it on the hooks.
Above me, Cade leaned over and smirked. “Not been workin’ out, huh?”
“Not really,” I admitted as I peered up at him. I would have been content to lie there and catch my breath, to savor the ache radiating through my body, but now Cade didn’t have to watch me like a hawk; he was getting a little close.
Being close wasn’t the problem; I could deal with him of all people being close, mostly. The real problem was that he was wearing loose pants, and his position meant his groin was hovering over my face. The last thing I needed was for his crotch to beright there. I could keep my attention on something else while I was lifting a lot of weight, but it was an entirely different matter when I was trying to recover from overdoing it. I had already found my strength flagging when he got close, and I’d realized, loose pants or not, there was more than enough for me to eyeball if I was interested.
It was obvious only to me, thankfully. Not that I hadn’t seen him in various states of undress before, including naked. Being out in the field meant you couldn’t afford to be modest,especially with the guys you were working, sleeping, and fighting beside. Sometimes the only way to get into one of the rare showers was with one of your teammates. That had never been a problem until I’d joined Cade’s team, but that had mostly been because I’d grown so close to them. Eventually I grew used to it, all it took was creating a mental barrier in my head so that even if I was sharing an enclosed space with someone whose body would have been incredibly distracting in any other circumstance, it made it part of the normal background.
That had worked for everyone on the team…except Cade. I had never actually showered with him, but I remembered waiting outside the rickety shower stall with Kines while Cade had taken a quick shower. It was more efficient to shower in pairs, but that wasn’t the case when Cade was involved. The guy was just too damn big for a shower partner. I hadn’t thought anything of it while I’d waited with Kines, until Cade had emerged, naked as the day he was born. If Kines noticed the moment I’d spotted Cade emerging from the shower, skin gleaming from the water in the dry afternoon sun, every impressive part of his body on full display, he had never once said anything. I had only hoped he hadn’t been looking at me because even the densest of people wouldn’t miss my brain short-circuiting as I took in the sight.
I was older, but that didn’t mean I wanted to tempt fate. It was nice to have Cade in my life again without complicating things. I was hopefully capable of more self-control than when I was younger, but with that came the understanding that avoiding the fire was the best way to avoid the temptation to play with it.
