EPILOGUE
Two yearslater
“So, you had another bad day,” Doctor Renald said, leaning back and smirking at me in a way that always made me feel at home and tempted to slap her.
“Yes,” I ground out with a huff. “I did.”
“And?”
“And what?”
She gave me a knowing look. “And how do you feel about that?”
“I feel like...they’re going to happen,” I said, grinding the words out because, despite believing them, I hated saying them out loud. “And that it doesn’t mean I’m a bad or broken person. I’m just...not right. And I’m probably never going to be completely right.”
“And?”
“Ugh,andthere’s nothing wrong with being a little fucked in the head.”
She laughed, her eyes sparkling with a light I had once thought I wouldn’t find in my life again, but...I had. “You’re goddamn right. And one day?”
I rolled my eyes. “And one day I’ll actually believe all that, but right now it’s perfectly okay to fake it ’til I make it.”
“Good,” she said, glancing at the clock over her shoulder. “Now, quick...how are things with you and Isaac after your bad day?”
“He...he was great, and you know it,” I said with a shake of my head. “He’s always been great. He still won’t let me talk about myself a certain way without giving me hell and making me feel worse.”
“Well, some people have to be shamed into not being ashamed,” she said in that ironic tone that told me she was both serious and not. “Or I guess Ishouldsay there’s nothing wrong with being held accountable for your own bad actions, including, no,especiallywhen they’re against yourself.”
“Well, he manages that just fine,” I said with a scowl.
She smiled. “And the mix-up?”
Ah, yes, the way my brain once couldn’t decide the difference between my late wife and son, and Isaac. The way I had locked up all the things about them, that pain and love had become mixed up in my head in ways I didn’t know if I’d ever untangle them completely. In the way that Isaac had felt like a replacement for my family, even though there was no one-to-one replacement possible.
“Better, as usual,” I said.
“Good, it takes time. Don’t start beating yourself up because you screw it up sometimes; we all screw up, Clay. You know this.”
“I do.”
She got on my nerves, but she was also exactly what I needed. I had wondered why Dr. Ramirez had stepped in after I’d been discharged to recommend her. I was so curious about it that I’d been doubtful of her ability to help me. That was until I’d confronted her about it during our third session, and she’dgotten up and grabbed the pictures on her desk. There was one of her, younger and with another woman who looked like her, but a little older. The other was of her, and two people who were clearly her parents, and another had been her with her husband.
Her sister, her parents, and her husband, herlatehusband. They had all died, she’d explained, in an accident on the highway, and she had been in the vehicle with them. It was winter, and the roads had been bad as they’d traveled back from a wedding for a friend of her sister. The roads were slick and well...tragedies happen every day, and we always think it won’t be us who suffer through them. She’d lost her entire family that day and had been forced to go through weeks of recovery from her own injuries.
“Good,” she continued, either not realizing I’d drifted into my thoughts or choosing to ignore it; I never could tell the difference with her. “And how goes the feelings of wanting to throw yourself off a bridge?”
“In general, or just today?”
“In general, we both know you thought things would be easier for everyone if you were just gone.”
That was true. “In general? Good. Right now, I couldn’t bear to break my family’s heart, or Cade’s, or Gina’s family, or...Isaac.”
She smiled knowingly. “And where is Isaac right now?”
I sighed heavily. “With Iris.”
“That’s Gina’s mother, right?”
