I met Isaac’s eyes, and it wasn’t the shake of his head that made me retrieve my chair and sit down, but his smile. When I finally took my seat, I could see Isaac was watching me, and he tipped me a wink that probably looked suspicious after Ian’s accusation. Not that I gave a shit what any of them thought, but I didn’t want them to get the wrong idea from how Isaac was acting. The guy wasn’t coming onto me; he was finding his own quiet way to thank me for coming to his defense. Not that he needed it; he was pretty strong, and fuck, he probably had some hidden karate moves he’d learned just in case a client got aggressive.
“Thank you,” Ramirez said, as unruffled as ever. It wasn’t his first rodeo, and he’d probably had guys who went straight to violence, so I wasn’t surprised to see him take his seat. But I was surprised when he smiled at me. “I will say, Clay. That’s the first time you’ve ever spoken at one of these meetings.”
“I guess I needed the right motivation,” I grunted, ignoring Ian’s dirty look, though I was pretty sure he was one of the people who gave an amused snort.
“Well, since you’re properly motivated,” Ramirez said just in time for me to realize the trap I’d stumbled into like an idiot. “Why don’t you take this opportunity to share with us?”
“Share what?” I asked, feeling Ian’s eyes burrowing into the side of my skull as I refused to look at him and kept my eyes on the doctor.
“What’s going on in your head, what’s going on in your life, what’s gone on with you...anything,” he said, and then noticed me glance at Ian and smiled. “About you, not what’s happened in this session.”
God, now I remembered why Isaac got on my nerves. This was exactly the sort of conversation we had when he was trying to get me to talk without making jokes or avoiding what he was asking. I didn’t know what the pipeline from skilled escort to therapist looked like, but someone needed to figure it out.
“Alright, fine,” I grumbled. “I’m Clay, you know that, and you know about me.”
“Some know a lot more than others,” Mick muttered, but his smirk stopped me throwing a chair at him.
“Yes, yes, har, har, Clay likes to be a slut,” I said with a scowl.
“Gentleman,” Ramirez corrected softly. “Let Clay talk.”
“I don’t know what there is to talk about,” I complained. “We’re all here because we’re fucked in the head, that’s literally the point. No one here can claim they aren’t, so what’s there to talk about? The fact that I wish I could be like Isaac? I wish Iwanted to find out who I really am when all I really want is to be anyone else. Or fuck, I’ve spent years trying to decide if I want to live or if I want to go play in traffic and see what the universe chooses for me. I’m sure there’s plenty of guys here who’ve had that thought.”
“It wasn’t that bad at first, when she left,” Mick said softly. “But after I was reduced to seeing my kids every other weekend, I started thinking about it.”
“What stopped you?” I asked.
He looked up. “My kids. They don’t see me very much, but if they only get to see me a few times a month, or fuck, even if it got bumped down to once a year and some phone calls, I’d rather they see that than have to visit a grave.”
Oh God, thathurt.
Others were talking now, but the black wave that welled within me blocked out the sound. Lips were moving, but it was like I couldn’t hear them or they weren’t speaking my language. It was drowned out by the icy grip that wrapped around my chest, dragging my thoughts down with it. All I could hear was Mick’s words, his reason for living, even when all hope and light had disappeared from his life. God, he was so fucking stupid, he was so fucking blind, he had no idea how fucking good he had it.
I wanted to scream, but I swallowed it as I closed my eyes, turning my face to the ground and taking a deep breath. This had been theworstidea. I should never have come here, or at least, I should have kept my fucking mouth closed. All I’d done was make it worse, and well...why not? Misery was what I’d felt for over three years now, and why shouldn’t I? It was what I deserved, and any time I tried to convince myself otherwise, even if it was just to pretend this wasn’t going to be my life as long as I drew breath, it was always going to be there, waiting for me to slip up, to?—
A warm hand slid over my shoulder. I tensed until I felt the fingertips brush my neck, and I didn’t know how, but I knew it was Isaac. Maybe because other than Cade, he was the only person who touched me in public, the rest would rather chop off their hand than touch the local slut until we were somewhere private.
The effect was instant, but not complete. The blackness in my head receded, but it was still there, wrapped around my chest and drawing my thoughts. But I could hear again, I was aware of things again, and realized everyone was putting their chairs away. Isaac was standing next to me, smiling gently when my eyes finally met his with recognition.
“Migraine again?” he asked, and I realized he was speaking in a voice that would carry through the room.
I cleared my throat. “Y-yeah, it’s, uh...it’s been a while.”
“I figured,” he said with that same smile, taking my forearm. “Come on, session is over anyway, let’s get you back to your room away from all the noise and lights.”
Christ, were things so bad I needed saving? Was that how far I had fallen?
“Everything alright?” I heard Dr. Ramirez ask.
“Yeah,” Isaac said casually, and I realized that if I didn’t already know he was lying, I would have had no idea. “He’s been having headaches all day, but it started getting bad over the past hour. I could see it. I’m going to take him to his room, get some water in him, turn the lights down, and let him relax.”
I heard someone mutter something I couldn’t make out, but it made Dr. Ramirez frown and turn. “Ian, stay behind, please.”
“What’d he say?” I asked, looking around. “What’d he fucking say?”
“He said it’s time for you to get back to your room,” Isaac said, guiding me toward the door.
“That is not what he said,” I growled. “Quit leading me around like a dog.”
