“You already said no to that.”
“Okay, you know what? I walked into that one,” I said with a snort, hopping up and sitting on the counter. “There was a guy who wasreallyinto me that I eventually had to turn away.”
“Why?”
“Well, I kind of have a rule that if someone is starting to catch feelings, then I’m not going to sleep with them anymore. And he wasn’t just catching feelings, he was being obvious about it to literally everyone, but also straight up told me he was interested in me like that. God, he waspissedwhen I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him anymore, like really pissed. Mad enoughthat I got worried about whether or not I should start checking my food for razor blades.”
“Oh, you have rules then.”
“Well, yeah. I don’t want people thinking I’m just...going to do whatever, you know? I don’t sleep with guys who are catching feelings, and I don’t sleep with guys if I know they’ve got a partner. And no, I don’t give a shit if they claim they’re separated, or in an open relationship. I don’t trust that shit. And by the way, I didn’t just spring it on the guy. I tell everyone the rules, including that I don’t have overnight guests, we fuck, and they go back to their room. He could be pissed about me turning him down for good, but it wasn’t like I hadn’t told him that would happen. He was mad because his feelings didn’t magically change my mind.”
Isaac smiled. “You were absolutely right to correct me when I said you were a player with morals. I mean, upfront communication and setting boundaries from the start? That’s not player behavior.”
“I mean, that’s what I tried to tell you,” I said with a smirk. “You were the one who didn’t want to listen.”
He shook his head. “I also got the feeling that you’re not particular about gender?”
“Yeah, bi, right, that.”
“And when you’re not here?”
“Guys.”
“Just men?”
“Yeah.”
He tilted his head gently to one side. “Why?”
There was at least one answer I could give that was the truth, but avoided the whole truth. “Easy, I spent a lot of my life, most of it, not being honest with myself, or other people. I kept denying I was into guys, even when it was obvious that I was. Like,” I laughed, “the way you lie to yourself about stuff likethat is just...it’s kind of funny to think about it. I mean, you’re notinterestedin that hot guy who’s not the least bit shy about changing in front of people, you’re just admiring his physique, and wish you could have a build like that.”
“Right,” Isaac said with a smile. “I remember when I discovered porn, and I watched it, straight at first, but you know, I paid attention to the men because...well, it had to be because I was curious if I would look like that, it wasn’t because I was gay. And you know, when I finally came across gay porn and realized I was more attracted to what was happening? Well, we’ll ignore that.”
I nodded. “And when you’re actually attracted to a friend, they’re just...a buddy, a really good friend. It’s normal to find ways to be alone with them, and to feel the urge to reach out and touch them because that’s a normal friend thing. And if you find yourself watching their ass? Well, hell, guy friends like to make weird gay jokes all the time, that’s just you finding the perfect excuse to make a joke yourself.”
“The lies we tell, and the denial,” Isaac chuckled, taking the water bottle and flipping it. “It’s amazing when you think about it. So, you’re just....making up for lost time?”
“Yeah,” I said, swallowing back the truth that, for an alarming moment, threatened to leave my lips. “It was only a few years ago that I admitted to myself I was into guys and that it was okay.”
“And...everyone else in your life?”
“Like, was I honest with them?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, some of my friends back home know, and I finally sucked it up and told my family. They were...surprised,” I said carefully.
“Because you’d only been with women and never showed any sign of being into men?”
“Pretty much,” I said with a shrug. The topic was still flirting too close to giving away too much, and I could feel a familiar weight pushing my chest. “I mean, they don’t know I’m out being a giant man whore, but who wants to share that with their family?”
“Some people would,” Isaac snorted.
“Does your family know?”
“About my being gay, or the escort thing?”
“Both, I guess.”
