“You’ve said that about a few things,” he noted, still standing next to me at a respectful if somewhat close distance. He was obviously not trying to do anything, which made it all the more distracting that he was within touching distance. Except I most certainlydidwant to touch him, but it felt like I would shatter something if I did. As it was for the moment, I enjoyed the relationship we had and didn’t want to alter that simply because I was feeling lonely, horny, and insanely curious. “Is that why you’re here? Because you’ve built up so many habits through pretending and learning how to be someone else that you’ve forgotten how to be yourself?”
I was surprised at his insight but not shocked. “Do you know something about that? Sounds like you do.”
He stared out the window with a frown. “You didn’t give me the full breakdown like you did Cade and Luka.”
“I didn’t,” I agreed, realizing that his strange looks earlier had been because he’d noticed it but hadn’t wanted to bring it up around the other two. “I did say you wouldn’t like what I had to say.”
“Right,” he grunted.
“And...there are some observations or thoughts I might have about someone that don’t need to be shared as a group,” I continued with a shrug.
“So, are you going to say it now or do you want me to grovel?”
I chuckled softly. “Remember, I said you wouldn’t like it.”
“Yeah, well, there’s plenty about my life I don’t like, but I still have to live it, don’t I?” he asked, his voice tinged with surprising bitterness. Not because of its existence, but because I could sense that it had a depth that might be scary if someone were to peer into it too much.
I sighed. “Fine, you want to hear it?”
“Sure.”
“Your enthusiasm is as lacking as your sense of propriety,” I said with a snort. “The truth is, I didn’t speak of what you’d like from a companion because...I don’t know. You’re too busy cracking jokes or hitting on people aggressively for me to get any sense of what you’re really like, let alone what you desire or need. If you want the truth, I think you’re too busy hiding behind your hypersexuality to act like a normal person. I think you manage it with Cade because you are clearly close, but with anyone else? They get this playboy smartass instead of who you actually are. I don’t know if you think the real Clay isn’t worth knowing, or if the real Clay comes with a lot of baggage you don’t want to deal with, but you’re not the first person I’ve met who hides behind sex as a shield, but that’s what you’re giving off. So no, Clay, I can’t tell you more about yourself because you hide it.”
Clay had turned while I was talking, and a stony edge crossed his features before he opened his mouth, seemed to think twice, and then snorted. “Feel better?”
“It’s not about me feeling better. I kept that to myself while Cade and Luka were around because the only thing I could think of to say about you was more personal than Cadewanting someone soft but strong, or Luka wanting someone who challenges him. You wanted my feedback, I gave it. What you do with it is up to you. All I need to know is if you’re going to chew me out or walk off, because you’re definitely about to do one of those things, and I’d like a heads up which one it’ll be.”
Clay stared out the window, the wistful expression gone, replaced by a mask of granite. Part of me hated having said it aloud, but at the same time, not only had he insisted, but sometimes people needed to hear it before they were ready to face themselves. It wasn’t my job to ‘fix’ him, or even to help him, but it was clear he was avoiding himself to some extent.
The air around him seemed to grow heavier for a moment before he let out a little laugh. “I’m just going to walk away. No need to get pissed at someone for doing what I asked, right?”
“Right,” I said, waiting to see if he would in fact?—
Oh, he really was leaving.
“Huh,” I said softly as he walked off, his shoulders hunched and his hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans. He was clearly unhappy, and probably furious from what I had seen on his face before he turned away, but he apparently had the self-control to reign it in. Either that or I was more right than I thought, and he was once again locking himself away from...well, himself. It wasn’t my problem; he was in charge of his own destiny, and I wasn’t responsible for the way he was. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a twist of empathy. It was never easy to hear things about yourself that you didn’t want to hear, even if they came from a genuine and well-meaning place.
Maybe he would hold it against me, maybe he wouldn’t, but right now I wasn’t going to get the answer to that. In fact, I was supposed to be at the gym trying to walk off the amount of food I had shoveled earlier. So, I was going to focus on what I could deal with and let everything else wait.
