My head whips to Noah. It’s one thing for me to think I’m a jackass. It’s entirely another to have my player actually call me one.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You’re a goddamn jackass.”
“You listen to me, Watts?—”
“No, Ace, you listen to me. You decided to pursue Elliot. You broke all your stupid rules and took a chance and let her in. And now what? Life gets hard and you’re out?” He shakes his head. “She’s in love with you, man. And anyone who’sknown you for more than five minutes can see that you feel the same way. But that’s it? The boat springs a leak and you shove the poor girl in a lifeboat and cast her away so you can what? Go down with the miserable ship?”
“Well, it’s better than taking her down with me.” I bark.
He looks at me with pity, and I hate it. “You really think that, don’t you?”
I close my eyes, trying to keep my temper contained. “I tried, Noah. I really tried. But I’m not cut out to be happy. I don’t deserve to be. At the end of the day, I’m too much like him. I don’t want to be, but I am.”
“You’re not your father, Ace.” His voice is closer, like he’s leaned forward. “If anything, you’re acting like your mom.”
My eyes fly open. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”
His face is sad as he sits back in his seat. “You used to talk about her. Remember?”
I do, but I don’t want to admit it so I say nothing.
“Back in our glory days. When we’d celebrate a win a little too much or drown our sorrows after a tough loss. We’d get wasted and end up talking about our shitty childhoods.”
Noah also had a no good son of a bitch for a father. The difference is that his mom managed to get him and his sisters away from him when he was a teenager.
“You talked mostly about your dad, rightfully so. In fact, I only ever remember you really talking about your mom the once. You said when your father was at his worst, she’d shut down. Deny anything was wrong. Push everyone that might be able to help away. Stiff upper lip and all that bullshit.”
I think of my mom in the kitchen making dinner with red eyes and tear stained cheeks. Neither of us seemed to know how to talk about our feelings so we didn’t try. It’s like our subconsciouses mutually agreed to suffer in silence.
I never blamed my mother, but sometimes I wonder if she blamed herself. If that’s why she couldn’t help me, or herself.
“You think you’re built like your dad, Ace, but that’s just not true. Your dad is a narcissist. He wouldn’t think of anyone else’s well being. You’re so terrified that you might mess things up with Elliot that you’re too fucking scared to even try.”
“I don’t want to hurt her. Or Sam.”
He gives a little laugh and shakes his head. “Life is messy, man. You think after the childhood I had I planned on being a dad? A single dad at that? I was so far out of my depth. But I showed up. And I accepted help. And now Jilly’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Life is just a never ending cycle of choices. And sometimes the choices you make end up making you.”
“How do you know you’re making the right choice?”
“You don’t.”
“Well, that’s comforting,” I say sarcastically.
He laughs. “We’re all just doing our best, man. And that’s all we can do.” He pushes himself to stand. “Just do me a favour. Take the night and think on it. Really think about what you want.”
“And then what?”
“And then you have an honest conversation with your girl.”
It occurs to me that the last time Noah referred to Elliot as that, I corrected him. I don’t this time. Elliot is my girl.
He opens his arms. “How about that hug?”
“Fuck off with the hugs.”
“Alright, alright.”
