“This is damned foolish,” he said, interrupting, turning and facing her, making her glad they weren’t under a gaslight, because she couldn’t see his expression clearly.
“It’s cold. Lord, it’s snowing,” he exclaimed. “Kyle would be right to have my head if I got you pneumonia from this. We’re only a few streets from your house, and we’ve got no place to talk. I’ve got an apartment, too, one with a fireplace I could roast an ox in, but you can’t go there because I’m a man; I can’t go to your place because you’re a woman—where are we supposed to talk? In the street, until the snow covers us over? In your hallway so we can entertain your respectable landlady? Hannah,” he said in a softer voice, “I need an hour to talk to you. Just that. You don’t have to agree with me, either. But you’ve got to listen. I’ll claim that much, at least, as my due.”
When she didn’t answer at once, he watched the flakes settling on her hair and said on a sigh, “Lord, Hannah—at least tell me why you’ve changed toward me. What did I do this time? Last time it turned out all I did was be a man, and you canceled dinner on me. This time you seem to be canceling everything. I thought,” he said, looking down at her and trying to read her expression, “you trusted me. Have I done anything to change that lately? Have I ever?”
She shook her head.
They stood facing each other on a dark downtown street, with only the falling snow to give them illumination.
“I’ll come with you to your place,” she said at last, because he did deserve that much. If she could give him nothing else, she decided, she’d give him her trust. “I’m freezing,” she admitted on a shaky laugh, as he stood and stared down at her, “and you’re right. Forget pneumonia—Kyle would kill you if I got the sniffles just before opening night. I can hide a cough as a sob,” she explained, because he still hadn’t moved, “but there’s no way to hide sniffle or a stuffy nose. Can you hear me? ‘I lub you, darlinguh, I do,’?” she mimicked, doing a bit of dialogue with a head cold, and then grew still, hearing the unfortunate line she’d used, fearing he’d take her jest for truth, even if it was.
“Let’s get a cab,” he said.
The lights of the city died behind them the farther they rode uptown. And the farther they drove, the less they spoke. She was wondering at her rash offer to come to his rooms. She might think he knew her very well, but the fact was that she was an actress now, and she was going, alone, to a man’s rooms at night. The idea of what she was doing—the words to describe it, made her forget who she was doing it with and why—and wonder if he would, too. He knew what she was thinking, but couldn’t think of a thing to say that wouldn’t make it worse, no matter how many times he opened his lips to try. If he said he wouldn’t try anything, he’d only make her think about what he might try; and then, too, he was no longer sure of what he could promise her, not tonight.
She’d heard about “The Dakota,” and had been as amused by the name as she was impressed by what had been said of it. And so it was awe that kept her silent as they entered the main lobby. Then it was fear and awe that kept her still until they came to his door.
When he rose from his knees after igniting a fire in his fireplace, she went straight to the hearth, drawn by the cheery flames. And then at last she spoke.
“I don’t know if it’s big enough to roast an ox, Gray,” she said, “but it will do for me.”
He let her stay and warm herself. When he returned from hanging up her coat, muff and hat, he watched the firelight play over her. She sensed his presence and turned so the fire could warm her back.
“What a lovely place!” she said. “The ceilings are so high. And the rooms so spacious. Just as everyone says. It’s too bad it’s dark, I hear there’s a splendid view of the park. Does this side face it?”
“No, my bedroom does, do you want to see?” he said. Then watching her face, relented, and smiled wearily as he added, “If you try to say only the most innocent things you can think of, you’ll find yourself in trouble, Hannah. Better off talking the truth. I’m sorry you’re so scared to be here. Tell the truth—I am, too. Does that make you feel any better? Come on. I’ll light a lot of lamps so you know I can’t sneak up on you, and we’ll sit and talk it out. Then, if you want, we’ll talk about my apartment and its furnishings, all right?”
“All right,” she said and sat on a couch close to the fire, smiling back at him, thinking of how well he knew her, and how good he made her feel—before she grew frightened again, just exactly because of it. She looked anywhere but at him when he sat next to her, because he was so very good to look at, too. She wasn’t used to seeing men so tanned or scarred, yet on the other hand, all the other men she saw literally paled in comparison to him. She sat up straight and put her heels and toes together on the floor in front of her, and clasped her hands in her lap.
“I still want to marry you,” he said before she could draw another breath. “I guess I backed off before because of a whole lot of reasons. Mostly, I think now, because I was so surprised at what you told me. After that, I guess I was confused— and then I wondered: I wasn’t sure I could be faithful to you, not knowing just exactly what your problem was…That’s only natural, I guess. But it sure isn’t nice,” he went on, shaking his head, so that his flaxen hair shimmered in the firelight. “Still, I’m only human, so that’s all I’ll ask you to forgive me for. I had to think about it. And whether I could handle it. Because I don’t believe married folks ought to cheat at anything with each other, or else it all becomes a lie, and I sure couldn’t ever tell you about things like that; so even if you agreed I could stray, it would still be cheating.”
“And now,” she asked stiffly, “after talking with your doctor-friend, you’ve changed your mind? Since you still dislike the idea of ‘straying,’ I suppose you’ve decided that perhaps it may not be quite as bad as I’ve said?” She didn’t know whether to be thrilled or angry at that idea, but he gave her little chance to entertain it.
“Lord no!” he said in surprise. “It could be terrible. But whatever it is—it’s not likely anything that we can’t work out. That’s the point. Hannah,” he said, not allowing her to escape his steady gaze now, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Nobody does. Point is, it don’t matter. See, I never met anyone like you before, and I know I never will again. You’re smart and beautiful and good. You make me laugh, and it feels wonderful when I can make you laugh. If it wasn’t for whatever it is. I’d never have had a chance to even know you. So I’m grateful for that, at least.”
Her eyes widened. “You’d marry a woman you’re not sure you can—make love with?” she asked in a rush.
“Well,” he said, sitting back, stretching out his legs, watching her, loving the way the firelight made her eyes glow, as if with sudden fox fire in their brown depths. “Way I figure it, most men I know don’t know—if they marry a good woman, that is. I just have a jump on them,” he said.
He was impressed by the way her breast rose and fell with her emotion. “Don’t try to make light of it!” she cried, “You may never be able to…to…you know,” she faltered, becoming both alarmed and delighted by the warm look in his eyes.
“Yeah,” he said, “I do. But you don’t. That’s part of the answer, too. Ah,” he said, digging his hands into his pockets and staring at his boot tips now, momentarily disconcerted, “but see, there’s all kinds of ways to get around that,” he said. “There’s more than a dozen ways to skin a cat and believe me, there’s more than that when it comes to making love…
“Anyhow, if it has to be,” he said, glancing up, his face flushed by firelight and something else he hadn’t felt since he was a boy, “trust me, ma’am, I’ll think of something. And it’ll likely please you, too, of course,” he said quickly, seeing her expression, “or else we won’t do it, honest. You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you, darling?” he asked with tender amusement.
“I know you’re talking Western,” she said in agitation. “That’s like Kyle starting to pace. It makes me nervous. Answer me straightly—don’t you want a normal wife?”
“Well, just supposing I had a way of knowing that before I married her,” he said reasonably. “What if something happened after we were married, so she wasn’t anymore—do you think I’d throw her out? You take me for an Eastern potentate? I’d stick with her, and I’d hope she’ stick with me if it was me that had the problem. That’s what it’s all supposed to be about, isn’t it? Otherwise, why bother getting married?”
“What about children?” she asked breathlessly. “Oh Gray, you’d have such beautiful children!”
“Well, not by myself,” he said, “and maybe not even with a wife. That’s one thing no one can predict. Since we’re talking so straight. I’ll tell you I haven’t had any before, that I know of. And you know I’m not up for sainthood. So how can I tell if I ever would? Besides, look around, there’s maybe just about a half a million kids without parents right here in this city of a million, or didn’t you take a goodlook around Peggy’s neighborhood? Royal’s already making noises about importing a slew of them.
“Hannah,” he said seriously, sitting upright. “It’s you I want.”
When she didn’t answer immediately, he asked, “Is it because you don’t want to give up your career now that you’ve decided to be an actress? That might be a problem, I mean, if you become as famous as your father. All I can say is that we could figure something out about that, too. If it’s that important to you, maybe I’d stay here with you when you were in a play, and you’d come home with me when you weren’t…I don’t know. We’d work it out. If you loved me. You’ve never said so,” he said, touching her for the first time, picking up her hand, “but I thought you did.”
“Oh Lord, Gray,” she said, and came into his arms.
