I’m sitting in a chair today, and I never thought I’d be so happy to be semi-vertical. Este is perched on the edge of the bed, because it’s the perfect height for her to comb my hair, which she was doing before Dr. Martinez came by. It was nice. Really fucking nice. Too nice considering my sister was in the room, so I wasn’t mad about the interruption.Especially not when said interruption was to discuss getting me out of here.
“How about this,” Noelle says quickly, because Shay is clearly getting agitated. It’s how she always is when she’s worried. “My old apartment is empty and right across the street. Nico and Este can stay there—actually, I just assumed you’re staying,” she directs toward Este, who nods.
“I am. My dads and Sloane are, too. They managed to get a couple of rooms at a bed and breakfast Quinn recommended.”
The instant relief I feel is overwhelming. Este and I haven’t talked about anything serious since I woke up, including what happens next. I don’t want her to go, but I’m terrified of her staying. Terrified I’m not going to be able to get my shit together, and I’m just going to drag her down with me. I’m more motivated than ever to get some kind of life back—it’s funny what almost dying, a visit from your dead sister, and the woman you love telling you she loves you will do.
I could live a thousand lives and still not deserve her. But in this lifetime, I’d like to try to.
“Great, it’s settled. Este and Nico will stay in my old apartment with the dogs—assuming my mom is willing to give them back. No promises there,” Noelle jokes, squeezing Shay’s arm. But Shay still looks wary.
“And what are you going to tell Bryan when he questions why his ‘little girl’ is nursing you back to health?” I’m never going to live that down.
Dr. Martinez chokes. “You probably don’t need meanymore, so I’ll go and get started on the paperwork.” He speeds from the room before he’s even finished speaking.
“Do you want to grab coffee with me, Noelle?” Este asks, hopping down from the bed.
“Coffee sounds perfect.”
Este leans down and kisses me softly. “Let her fuss over you. You’re not the only one who needs to take care of people,” she murmurs against my lips before she and Noelle disappear, giving me and Shay space to talk.
Shay buries her face in her hands and groans. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being an asshole.”
“You’re not. I know you’re just worried. It’s okay, Shay,” I promise her.
“I am worried. But I’m also confused. This is the most time we’ve spent together since the last time you were in the hospital, and you seem… good? I don’t know, you just seem better than you have in a long time.”
I didn’t realize it would be so obvious, but I suppose Shay knows me better than anyone, even if we haven’t spent as much time together as either of us has wanted to.
“I feel good. Better.”
Her shoulders slump a little. “Because of Este.” I nod, even though it’s not a question, and Shay blows out a breath. “It’s just… God, Nico, I’m so happy for you. For years, I’ve wanted you to start to feel more like yourself again. That’s why I moved to Wintermore—to help you get there. I’m so glad Este is helping, but why couldn’t I? What did I do wrong?”
Shit. She can’t possibly be blaming herself for me beingtoo much of a self-loathing asshole to put in any effort, can she?
“No, Shay. This isn’t on you. None of this is on you.”
“But something’s different, right? Este got through to you.”
I shift in my chair. My arm is less sore today, but I haven’t found a position to sit where it doesn’t start aching after a while. “She did. But that has nothing to do with why you didn’t. For years, I’ve blamed myself for the accident. I still do, to be honest, and I’m pretty sure I always will. I failed you and Georgie. You got hurt, and she died, and I will never forgive myself for that. And then I just… kept failing you. I love you so much, I thought you were better off without me in your life. Until the fire last year, I thought the best thing for you was for me to keep away.”
I hate how hurt she looks, and I have to look away. “With Este, it was different. I know what everyone thinks of me—it’s warranted. And I’m sure Este grew up hearing I was the weird, reclusive loner who couldn’t get over shit. But if she did, she never let me feel like it. She just treated me like a regular person. And she’s been hurt too; she feels responsible too. We get each other. Like, being around her feels as easy as breathing. I’ve been vulnerable with her, had nightmares in front of her, and she’s done the same, and it just feels… right.”
Shay is quiet for a moment, and I can sense the cogs turning in her head as she processes. “Do you love her?” she asks after a moment.
“I do,” I answer without hesitation. That part is easy. “I haven’t told her yet. I tried not to fall for her—god knowsher life would be easier if I’d kept my distance, but I couldn’t, and I’m finding it hard to regret that. She told me she loved me when I was being taken to the ambulance, but we haven’t really had a chance to talk about anything yet. Including how we’re going to tell Bryan.”
“I don’t envy you there,” she says with a wry smile. “At this point, I probably have to accept that I’m never going to convince you the accident wasn’t your fault. You didn’t fail me. But you have failed Georgie and yourself by not letting yourself live. We can’t undo the past two decades, but you can move on without history repeating itself. That means not focusing on how much you think you don’t deserve her and instead working on being the person you believe she deserves.”
When she says it like that, it sounds straightforward. But I know that’s not the case in reality. “I don’t know if that’s what she wants, Shay. She’s been through so much, and I’m not an easy person to love.”
“Loving you has never been the hard part. And clearly, Este agrees. You almost died in front of her, Nico. I don’t know how she got you into that car, but it can’t have been easy. You’ve seen her through her nightmares, and you still love her. Why is it so hard to believe that she might feel the same seeing you through yours? She’s staying. That means something.”
We may not have seen each other at our lowest, but we’ve certainly seen low points. It’s a nice thought that she’s seen mine, and they haven’t scared her away.
29
ESTE
