Luke sighed, clearly already regretting whatever was about to come out of his mouth. “That you were… that you hadn’t… I’m sorry. I don’t know why I brought it up.”
“He’s right. I haven’t ever been with a guy. And you’ve been a perfect gentleman. Don’t worry.” She gave him a small smile before it died on her lips. How many details had Derek shared with him? That same familiar embarrassment from their first date washed over her. Except now it hurt worse.
The water temperature hadn’t changed, but it didn’t feel as warm, and although that was partly from the sudden chill between them, it was also because they’d been in long enough that it was probably time to get out. Unfortunately, the towels were on the other side of the hot tub, behind Luke.
“I haven’t been with anyone either.” He stared across at her. “I think I love you.”
She covered her mouth as complete shock ran through her. The whiplash of emotions was too much. “I need a towel.”
“Of course.” He jumped up and grabbed one, holding it up high so it wouldn’t drip in the water. His eyes were focused on the wall behind her.
She took the towel and stood, wrapping it around herself as tightly as possible, before the teeth chattering and shivering made her hands useless.
Luke got out too and toweled off quickly, throwing his shirt over his head and then putting his towel around his waist. He picked up the hot tub cover and wrestled it back on before meeting her at the back door.
She opened the door to the house as soon as he was ready and shut it right behind them.I need a towelrang in her head. What a thing to respond with. It wasn’t like she wanted him to be smooth, to always have the right thing to say and the right timing. He hadn’t said what he said to gain anything.
Before he could run off to change, she closed the distance between them and buried her face in his chest. “I’m sorry, too.”
He gripped the back of her head. “For what? I’m the one who keeps repeatedly sticking my foot in my mouth.” His words came out in halted bursts since he was now shivering as badly as she was. Her wet hair against his skin probably wasn’t helping.
“I think I love you, too.” The truth of her words hit her harder by admitting them out loud. “And that’s scary. I jumped into loving Derek too quickly. You were right. He and I never should have gotten engaged. I let my heart get broken. I stressed my parents out. I got between Derek and Jody.”
“No.”
“I did. You should know. You know them better than I do.”
“They’ve been on and off since high school. Do you really love me? If you said it just to make me feel better, I can take it, I swear.”
“It was not said under duress.”
He kissed her forehead.
“You don’t happen to have an ex you’re secretly pining away for, do you?”
“Not even close. Sarah and Heston tell me I’m picky, but the truth is they set me up on the worst blind dates. I haven’t had a serious girlfriend in years. And even then, she was a little more serious about it than I was.”
Tara slapped his chest.
“She’d agree with you. I’m a terrible person.”
Tara reluctantly released him. “I’m going to go change now before I die.”
They took off laughing in opposite directions.
***
Luke didn’t feel like he deserved any more do-overs, but he was grateful nonetheless that Tara was sitting here with him, wrapped up in blankets in front of his gas fireplace. They hadn’t kissed again. Clearly, he didn’t do his best thinking with fire racing through his blood. Right now, that fire was at a simmer, with her separated from him by two layers of thick blankets and the knowledge that there were still things to be said.
Tara stretched out her legs and wiggled her toes, which were currently in a pair of his wool socks. “That night Derek called me, he didn’t say anything was wrong. He just asked if he could come over and see me. I think I knew something was off about him, but I didn’t want to believe it. I rationalized that he was stressed by the wedding planning, but he’d never been that involved in the first place. My mother has dreamed of planning my wedding my whole life. I think she grieved losing that more than she ever let on. But I’m getting ahead of myself.”
He found her hand in the blankets and squeezed it to let her know he was listening.
“He didn’t say he wanted to stop the wedding. Not at first. He asked to postpone it.”
That was news to Luke. “Did he say why?”
“He said he felt like we were rushing things, and he needed time to decide if getting married was really right for us. And then I started apologizing for my mom pressing us about a date and putting everything into motion. We’d originally planned on a longer engagement, or I guess he had, and I just didn’t listen. He took my hands and sort of shook them and said, ‘Tara. Stop. Apologizing.’ And then he kissed me. He was shaking like a leaf and clinging to me, and I think that’s what really woke me up. His kiss felt so different. Like he needed comfort but hated himself for needing it. Guilt. That was the first time I recognized guilt from him. When I finally got him to admit what was wrong, that he was still thinking about his ex-girlfriend, that’s when it all fell into place for me.”
“And he was thinking about her because I had just told him Jody still had feelings for him. I gave him that hope. That’s on me.” He squeezed his eyes closed, wishing it wasn’t true. Hurting Tara back then had been an impersonal side problem to helping Derek.
“Derek had his doubts before you said anything. You know that. And yes, you gave him a shove further in that direction, but we were going in that direction anyway, whether we postponed, or cancelled, or heaven forbid, married and then were unhappy together with secrets left unsaid.”
“Don’t make me a hero in this.” He sighed, letting his head touch hers for a moment before resting back against the couch.
She folded her legs in and rested them against him. “I’m not. Nobody gets to be the hero or the villain in this. I’m just saying… it was a mess, and we’re walking downstream from it. Are we not?”
“Do you want to keep walking with me?” He knew he did, and he had hope that she did too, but hearing the words was important too.
“Of course I do. That’s why I’m here. You know, besides hiding out from that wild party back at Aunt Sandy’s house disguised as a book club meeting.”
