“Willa, what are you doing?” I was laughing, but also panicking inside. With her I felt like my most comfortable self, but also a little off-kilter, not knowing what to expect from her next.
“Consider it practice. I think Alan might like an on-camera awkward hug between us, you know, where we’re not sure where to place our arms and my shoulder blades kinda hunch in.”
“You’ve already made it awkward by mentioning Alan.”
She glared at me and put the belt around me anyway, scooting forward on the couch so she could lock them together with the little plastic key. “Okay, hug me now.”
“Fine. Whatever.” I put my arms around her and patted her on the back. I had some experience with awkward hugs so this was not something I had to dig deep for.
“Okay, hang on. That was a non-hug. That’s different than awkward. You have to hold it until the other person wishes you weren’t hugging them anymore. That’s what makes it awkward.”
“And I take it you’ll be the one cringing and I’ll be the one clinging? America is going to love me.”
She tapped her chin. “You make a good point. Maybe I should prolong the hug and you should act like you’re done.”
“Nope, they’d hate me more for that. Come here.” If she was going to insist on this stupid exercise, we should get it over with already. I pulled her in for a real hug, where I actually held her in my arms and rested my face against her cheek. Her breath hit my neck and I willed my heart to stay at the same rhythm, though it obviously didn’t listen. She smelled amazing and her skin was so soft. I closed my eyes and pretended I felt nothing. It was only a hug.
Willa
I needed to pull away. In Doug’s arms I felt safe, and happy, and utterly confused. What had I been thinking? I’d taken this joke too far, and now all I wanted to do was run from my feelings until I understood what they meant. My cheek slid against his as I pulled away and our faces stopped mere inches from each other. His eyes dipped to my lips, and that’s when the panic really set in. I took a huge scoot back, forgetting he was locked to me, and he came with, bracing his arm against the couch so he didn’t fall into me.
“I’m sorry,” I squeaked. I fumbled for the key on the coffee table and stuck it in the lock. When I looked up at Doug, his face was passive, revealing very little of the embarrassment I knew he felt. We were both embarrassed, and it was all my fault.
“I should probably go. I need to feed my dog.” I ran a hand through my hair and glanced around, trying to remember where I’d left my purse.
“Of course. What are you looking for?” Doug asked, taking his belt off and folding it up.
“My purse.”
I wasn’t used to being flustered. I just needed to leave and recover.
Doug found my purse and jacket before I did and he handed them to me, looking even more solemn than before. He knew I wanted nothing more than to get out of there. If I was a better person, I would have stayed and pretended things hadn’t gone awkward so fast. Or at least made a joke. We both tended to use humor as a shield.
But I didn’t stay, and I didn’t say anything. I ran down to my car and drove straight to my house.
My dog was sort of glad to see me. Her little stump of a tail gave a half-hearted wag, and she lifted her head. I picked her up and took her outside for a potty break.
“It’s time we name you,” I said, trying to decide. Anything was better than thinking about Doug right now. “Lady?”
The dog ignored that name while she turned in a circle, sniffing the spot she’d decided on.
“Goldie? Sleepy?” Nothing felt right. She was already answering to ‘dog,’ as sad as that was. “Dot. I’ll call you Dot, okay?”
Dot, formerly known as Dog, finished her business and led me into the kitchen where she nudged her food dish, pushing it toward me with her nose. She really wasn’t as dumb as she looked. I poured out food for her and watched her eat. After, I took her outside again for a rousing game of catch where I threw the ball, and she thought about going to get it.
Why did I have to do that to Doug right before we started our public relationship? I knew he wouldn’t fail me, but he was already putting up with enough garbage without me making things weird. Maybe a little space would help. We had a month before filming resumed. I’d keep my distance, with a few friendly calls. Maybe we could meet up for lunch once or twice, or something. But I had to dial things back. Doug made it too easy to forget myself, to forget why I was doing all this.
As soon as I was successful and rich enough, I’d quit Hollywood altogether, and then this whole fake relationship thing would be a blip in my past I’d rarely think about.
In my mind, I pictured Doug shaking his head at me. He wasn’t a blip. He knew it, and I knew it. And that was scarier than the tether Alan held me with.
