“Alright, this one guy stopped and brought me medicine on our first date because I told him I didn’t feel well. I thought it was sweet of him, until he charged me nine dollars.”
Colson laughed. “Wow.”
“Yeah. Another guy said his car was in the shop, so I went to his house to pick him up. Middle of the date, his mom came into his room to clean it. He was twenty-five.”
Ripley snickered. “I’ll bet he didn’t have a car, either. Did he?”
“Nope. He sure didn’t.”
I continued on, regaling them with my dating tales of woe. I told them about the asshole who came into my house and yelled at my dog for barking, after having known me a grand total of thirty seconds. The guy who used to put his used gum behind his ear, to chew it later on. The guy who told me ‘men get periods, too,’ and that he was currently on one, so he needed to cancel our date because of cramps.
Then I broke out the big guns.
“But my weirdest first date,” I sighed heavily, “was the guy who wanted to take us out for enemas.”
Time ground to a halt. It was so quiet, even the ocean held its breath.
“Enemas,” Ripley repeated numbly.
“Yes.”
“As in…”
I nodded, grimly. “There was this wellness place. Self-care, and all that. They offered sound baths, and Reiki healing. Somatic release sessions. Past life regression. And of course… enemas.”
“Enemas…” Ripley still couldn’t believe it. “Well, shit.”
“Quite literally,” I chuckled.
Colson, so far, had held his tongue. He looked overly-amused, though, as he turned his attention back outside.
“So how’d you get out of that one?” asked Ripley.
I bit my tongue. I didn’t have to bite it long, however.
“She didn’t,” said Colson, plainly. “She went.”
Ripley’s head whipped around so fast it almost spun right off. “Youdid?”
“You’re damn right I did,” I smiled back at them. “We got first date enemas, together. And they were awesome, too. Way better than I ever thought they might be.”
Ripley swore under his breath. “Unfuckingreal.”
“Hey, when a guy offers to take you out for enemas? You don’t say no,” I chuckled. “You get in the car and buckle right the fuck up. And do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because a guythatconfident is always going to beinteresting,” I grinned. “He’s the kind of guy who broadens your horizons, puts you on all new experiences. The type of date who’s never happy unless he’s showing you a good time.”
“Right up until the moment he gets so weird, you have to break up with him,” Colson ventured.
“Yes. True,” I nodded fervently. “But until that day comes, you’ll never be bored.”
I stood up, abruptly, and stretched my tired body. Fully aware of their hungry eyes.
“Now if you boys will excuse me, it’s been a long day. I’m tired, and I’m off to bed.”
Strutting away, I winked at them over my shoulder.
“But first, I’ve got an overactive mind to clear…”
