‘Yes, we did everything together when we were kids.’ She turned away slightly, not wanting the kindly stranger to see the expression on her face, or ask her any questions that might make the tears she was holding back start to flow. There were no memories she shared with Briony for the last sixteen years, a complete blank space that should have been filled with laugh-out-loud moments, celebrations, commiserations and so much more. Having a sister had always felt like such a gift until Liamhad come into their lives. Bex had felt hugely lucky to have the family she did, even though her father was a complete let-down. With a mum like Donna and a sister like Briony, she’d been blessed, but overnight it had felt like she’d become an only child, one who’d lost her other half.
‘Okay, I’ll leave you to it for a bit.’ The nurse smiled again, probably too busy to even have noticed how on edge Bex was. It was to be expected anyway, all the visitors to ICU were spending time with loved ones who were incredibly unwell and it was hardly a place to laugh and joke.
‘Oh Briony, this was supposed to be straightforward, what have you done to yourself.’ Bex’s voice was barely more than a whisper as she sat by the side of the bed. ‘If you die before we have the chance to sort everything out, I’m going to be so mad at you.’
Briony’s eyelids flickered slightly and for a moment Bex expected them to open wide and for her sister to respond, but they remained firmly shut. The nurse had said that Briony could probably hear her and Bex found herself hoping that the words had reached her sister. She wanted Briony to know that she was finally ready to try and sort things out between them. She had no idea what that would look like and what kind of relationship, if any, they might be able to salvage from the ashes of their previous one, but she wanted to try. Things could never be how they might have been, but there had to be something more than the void between them, that had been replicated by the void in her heart which nothing else had been able to fill. Matt and the boys were more than Bex had ever dreamt of, but they didn’t make up for losing Briony. Her little sister had been one of the loves of her life from the moment she was born, and no one could just get over losing someone like that, no matter how hard they might try to pretend. Even to themselves.
‘You better not just be doing all of this for dramatic effect.’ Bex stroked the fingers of Briony’s right hand, which was resting on the bed, as still as a stone. ‘I know what you’re capable of. I remember that time I was off school with mumps and you wanted to stay home with me. You hated the fact that you couldn’t, and you thought you were missing out because Mum got me those copies ofSugarmagazine and enough sweets to open my own shop. You decided you had to get in on the action, but I knew it was because you missed me and just wanted to be allowed to stay in the same room as me, because you told me so about a thousand times!’
Bex couldn’t help smiling at the memory as she continued. ‘Mumps was too hard to fake, so you thought you’d give chicken pox a go and use Mum’s new lipstick to paint spots all over your face. The only problem was that you’d already had chicken pox and they were more like polka dots. You looked like Mr Blobby and it was the first thing that had made me laugh since I got ill. But poor old Mum, that was the only decent bit of make-up she owned.’
The smile had left her face now and she breathed out slowly, the memory of her mother’s reaction twisting something deep in her gut. ‘She tried not to show it, but she was so upset at the stub of lipstick that was left behind and, when she started to cry, so did you. You kept promising to pay her back for it and she kept saying it didn’t matter, but you knew it did. You can’t have been more than seven or eight, but I could see how much it upset you and it didn’t surprise me when you put some of your birthday money in an envelope and left it under Mum’s pillow. Of course she wouldn’t take it, but it made her cry again for all the best reasons. You were such a sweet kid and even when you did something wrong, it was usually for the right reasons. All the kind and loving things you did far outweighed the other stuff.’
Just like her mum all those years before, Bex was trying and failing not to cry. ‘You’ve more than paid her back now though, Briony. This gift you’ve given her of a second chance might just be enough to wipe the slate clean for all of us. I think we could both use it as a second chance too, but you’ve got to get better so that we can try. You can consider getting better as payback for what happened with Liam, okay? And unlike the money under Mum’s pillow, I promise I won’t give this gift back. Just get better, that’s all I’m asking.’
Bex squeezed her sister’s fingers gently, willing her to realise she was there by her side, even if it turned out that she couldn’t hear. ‘Remember when Mum had to work that job cleaning offices after we got home from school? I must have been about thirteen and you were still in primary school. She used to say to you,Bex is in charge, so do as she says. Well, I’m still in charge, okay? And what I’m saying is that you have to find the strength to come back from this. Tom already thinks the world of you, and I know my other two boys will too, if they get the opportunity to know their auntie. They’ll never forgive me if they don’t get that chance because I shut you out for such a long time and I know that’s mostly my fault.’
Tears were rolling down her face now, plopping down to where she held Briony’s hand in hers. A mixture of guilt, sadness about all the time they’d wasted and terror that they might never get the chance to put any of that right, meaning that she’d lose her little sister all over again, all coming together.
‘I should have given you the opportunity to explain and realised long before now that you wouldn’t have caused me pain just for the sake of it. Liam would have made my life hell and you knew it. I wouldn’t listen, but he quickly proved you were right. You put yourself on the line to save me from getting hurt. Just like you’re doing now.’
Her words were choking in her throat and she wanted to grab Briony out of the bed and shake her until she woke up, whatever it took. She looked so tiny and fragile all of a sudden, like the little sister Bex had always been so desperate to protect. Briony didn’t deserve this, she’d been willing to risk her life to save Donna’s. That was the person she’d always been, not the monster Bex had created in her mind in an attempt to make their separation less painful. This couldn’t be it. She couldn’t have blown the chance to get her sister back. The sense of powerlessness made her chest ache, like a lead weight had been laid upon it. There was nothing Bex could do to change what was happening, but she could make a promise to her sister that if she came back to her, she’d never turn her away again.
‘Please, Briony. I need to know you can hear me when I say I’m sorry for not forgiving you years ago and for making you feel like you could never come home. I need to know you forgive me for that too, because Port Agnes is your home as much as it is mine, but it hasn’t felt the same without you. I never stopped loving you, I didn’t realise it until recently, but it’s true. Just fight this, please, and come home for good. Mum needs you and so do I.’
Standing up, Bex leant forward so that she could kiss her sister’s forehead, trying not to wonder if this might be the last time she did. Her throat was burning with the tears she knew she was going to keep crying even when she left her sister’s side. She didn’t know if she was allowed to kiss Briony, but she didn’t care. Some rules were meant for breaking, and the rule she’d set out about not allowing Briony to get to know her three boys needed to be broken too. All Bex wanted was for them to have the chance, because she’d be the one who’d be broken forever if they didn’t.
17
Donna was well enough to be discharged to stay at Iris’s flat ten days after the transplant. Her progress had been better than any of them could have hoped for, but during the early days of her recovery, once she’d left the High Dependency Unit but was still in hospital, Bex had been forced to lie to her mother about Briony’s progress. The more lucid Donna became, the more insistent she was that she wanted to be allowed to see her younger daughter.
‘The doctors have said there’s an increased risk of post-operative infection if you see each other too soon.’ The lie had rolled off Bex’s tongue as she exchanged a glance with her stepfather, making a mental note to find one of the nurses as soon as possible and beg them to back up her story. She was doing it in her mum’s best interests after all. Hearing that Briony was so poorly could set her recovery back drastically.
‘Really? I saw a film about a kidney donation where one of the patients was wheeled to the bed of the other one straight after the operation.’
‘But this isn’t a Hollywood movie, is it, sweetheart?’ Ken hadshaken his head to emphasise the point, but the mention of Hollywood had made Bex catch her breath. Their own slice of Hollywood was lying up in the ICU and she’d felt an almost magnetic pull to be up there with Briony, despite how much she wanted to spend time with her mother too. She missed the boys and Matt with an ache that was always there, but she’d known at that point that nothing could make her leave her sister alone in that hospital, not even the burning desire to be back at home, to hug each of them in turn and tell them just how much she loved them. Thank God for FaceTime calls, it had got her through, but eventually they’d been forced to come clean with Donna and tell her just how poorly Briony had been, although thankfully not until the worst of the situation had already passed.
‘There were some complications with Briony’s surgery.’ All of the colour had drained from her mother’s face when Bex had delivered the news, but she’d pushed on, knowing that she had to get to the good part as soon as she could to stop her mum from spiralling. ‘She’s been in ICU, but she’s stable now and they’re very confident she’ll make a full recovery as planned. But you know my little sister, she always has to bring the drama.’
Bex had smiled then and her mother had given her an incredulous look, before taking her by complete surprise and smiling too. ‘My little sister,you’ve got no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words from you again. Even if this liver decides to pack up on me next week, it will all have been worth it to hear you say that, now I know Briony is going to be okay, and that the two of you are finally going to be okay too. Maybe that’s why all of this had to happen.’
‘Don’t you dare mention that liver packing up!’ Bex had given her mother a mock stern look. It had been easier to focus on that than the other things her mum had said, because she’d still had no idea if she and Briony were really going to be okay. She knewshe wanted them to be, she just wasn’t sure it was possible outside the bubble of the hospital. So much time had been wasted and so many things had been said in the past that couldn’t be unsaid. Bex had no idea if Briony had even heard the heartfelt promises she’d made when her sister was in ICU, and she hadn’t been able to bring herself to repeat any of it, once Briony had stabilised.
In the days after Bex had finally been honest with her mum about how touch and go things had been for Briony, they’d both continued to make good progress with their recovery. Bex had kept up her visits to Briony when she was moved out of ICU, into the High Dependency Unit and eventually back on to a ward, but their conversations had been surface-level, talking about their mum’s progress, other patients and staff on the ward, and what was going on at the farm. There’d been no deep and meaningful talks about their relationship and what that might look like in the future, but it was a subject she was going to have to broach again any minute now, and this time Briony would have the chance to respond. Bex was on her way to her sister’s ward to have a conversation she couldn’t begin to predict the outcome of.
Briony was being released from hospital tomorrow, almost a week after Donna had left, and Bex had spent most of the previous day trying to secure local care for both her mother and sister. It was usual for patients who’d gone through what they had to have weekly appointments at the transplant centre, which for them would have meant staying close by for the first two to three months, because the stress of the journey to and from Cornwall would have been too much. One of the consultants had mentioned the possibility of working in partnership with their local hospital, St Piran’s, for shared care, which could sometimes be arranged when patients lived a significant distance from the nearest transplant centre. Bex had made numerous phone calls and attended meetings with the transplant team, along with Ken,who had been listed as both Donna and Briony’s next of kin. Bex’s heart had ached when she’d realised that Briony didn’t have anyone else to list in that box and she wasn’t sure whether it was because she felt sad that her sister was alone, or because she knew it would have been her name there, and not their stepfather’s, had things been different.
In that moment she’d felt another surge of hatred for Liam, but even that had been outweighed by the guilt that had become heavier and heavier over the past couple of weeks. She shouldn’t have allowed things to go on for this long, or for her relationship with Briony to become so distant. She should have been the brave one years ago and reached out to say that whatever had gone on, she was ready to forgive and put it in the past, because it had led her to where she was now and a life that was as perfect as anyone’s deserved to be, except that Briony wasn’t in it. Bex had always known in her heart of hearts that Briony hadn’t done what she had just to take Liam from her, but the fact that she’d been able to do it at all had been a massive blow to Bex’s already fragile self-esteem. He was the second man to reject her, and it had been easy to lay the blame for that at Briony’s door and to shut down any chance her sister had to explain. Briony’s actions might have been extreme, but Bex could see now that they’d probably had to be. Her sister had been desperate to make her see sense. Now she was equally desperate to do whatever it took to repair some of the damage caused by so many years apart.
Bex had held her breath waiting to hear the response from the transplant centre about whether shared care was going to be possible. She knew she couldn’t stay in London much longer. It had been more than two weeks already and the ache to be back with her own family was almost unbearable. She had responsibilities too, including a new business which was flourishing, but that Tristan was having to run with just a bit of part-time help fromKeira, when it should have been her taking the lead, while Tristan supported Matt on the farm. Briony staying in the Airbnb she’d rented was already off the cards, due to how poorly she’d been following the operation, but Bex couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her mother and Briony behind in Iris’s flat, either, putting all of that weight on Ken’s shoulders. When she finally heard the transplant centre’s decision, she wasn’t sure if her legs would hold her up.
‘Well, luck seems to be on your side, because one of the consultant hepatologists at St Piran’s used to work at the transplant centre in The Freeman Hospital in Newcastle, and he’s agreed to work with us to monitor your mum and sister’s progress.’ The relief had felt like a wave washing over Bex, almost knocking her off her feet. It was more than she’d dared to hope for and she knew Briony couldn’t wait to be reunited with her beloved dog. There was just one problem with that. Her mum and Ken had three Persian cats, one of whom was terrified of dogs. So if Briony wanted to stay with her parents, she wouldn’t be able to take Merlin with her. She’d probably try to insist on going back to her van instead, but there was no way Bex could allow her to do that. She still needed care and support, at least initially, which left one final option. If Briony wanted to be with Merlin, she was going to have to come and stay at the farmhouse with Bex and her family.
Briony’s spirits lifted every time her sister walked into the ward, but at the same time her heart would start to race too, wondering if this would be the time when Bex would tell her she was going back to Cornwall, or even if today would be the day when she’d rip the plaster off their old wounds and open them up again.They’d talked a little bit about when they were children, but mostly the conversation had remained on neutral, safe ground. There’d been no mention of what had happened with Liam and nothing about the intervening years of silence between them.
Bex was walking towards her now with a purposeful look on her face that hadn’t changed since she’d had to step up and act like a second mum to Briony, long before she was really old enough for that kind of responsibility. They’d been latchkey kids several days a week from the time Bex had started secondary school, and Briony was still at primary.
Three Ports High had finished forty-five minutes before the after-school club at Port Agnes Primary, and Bex had never failed to be waiting outside the school gate for Briony on the days when their mother was at her cleaning job. She’d be standing there amongst the parents, in her too-big blazer, waiting for her little sister to appear. It meant Bex always had to get the first bus back to Port Agnes after school finished. There was no option to hang around with her mates, or go into Port Tremellien, or down to the beach with them. She’d never complained, or once made Briony feel like she was an inconvenience. Bex had the knack of making her little sister feel as though she enjoyed hanging out with her as much as Briony enjoyed being with her big sister. She very much doubted that was the case, especially as Bex often had to take charge of making their dinner too, or at least heating up whatever their mother had made earlier. Yet she’d somehow made all of that fun, putting on a silly over-the-top Italian accent as she heated up the bolognese and cooked some pasta, or when she’d tell Briony that she had to ‘sing for her supper’ as their mum always used to joke. It was an opportunity Briony relished, as a born performer, and she’d spin and twirl around the tiny kitchen, singing her latest favourite song. Looking back, she’d probably got in Bex’s way more than anything else, but her sister had greeted every single performanceenthusiastically and had constantly told Briony she had what it took to be the star she’d so desperately wanted to be back then.
