‘It’s not luck, you’ve earned it. You’ve been the best mum I could ever have asked for and the best nan too. We all love you so much and I’m so grateful for all the sacrifices you’ve made to give me the life I ended up with. If I can be half the mum to the boys that you’ve been to me, I’ll be so happy.’
‘You and your sister are my greatest achievements, and you’re the best mum I know.’ It was Donna who squeezed her hand this time. ‘I’m so glad you got the beautiful family you deserve. I knowthings haven’t always been easy, but it makes you think that sometimes things happen for a reason.’
‘Mmmm.’ She didn’t want to respond, especially given the fact that her mother had been diagnosed with cancer, and she couldn’t for the life of her think what possible reason there could be for that. Although she had a horrible feeling if she brought that up, her mum would say something about it bringing her and Briony together again. That wasn’t going to happen. After the operation she could be honest about that, but for now all she wanted to do was get through this conversation and make sure her mum knew that she wouldn’t have swapped a single moment they’d shared for anything else. ‘I’m so lucky you’re my mum, and nan to my boys, and we need you to come home as soon as you can.’
‘I will, my love, I promise.’
‘I heard that promise.’ Bex turned at the sound of Ken’s voice behind her. ‘And I know my wife never breaks a promise to the people she loves.’
‘Never.’ Donna held out her other hand to her husband. ‘How’s Briony?’
‘She’s really good. Keen just to get the operation done, so that she knows you’re okay.’
‘She should be worrying about herself not me.’ Donna shook her head. ‘I wish we could all just be together. I hate the thought of her being on her own.’
‘I’ll go and look in on her now.’ Bex’s words were met with a look of shock from both her parents, but then Ken narrowed his eyes.
‘Really, I thought?—’
‘I just want to see that she’s okay, like Mum said.’ Bex cut Ken off, widening her eyes, trying to communicate the rest of what she wanted to say without saying the words out loud. All she’d agreedto do was look in on Briony and see that she was okay. That didn’t require any conversation, and certainly no face-to-face heartfelt exchange. All she had to do was catch a glimpse of Briony and see that she was okay and she’d have fulfilled her promise to her mother.
‘Thank you so much, darling, that means the world to me.’ Her mum had given in to tears now, and a frisson of guilt twisted in Bex’s gut for what felt like the millionth time. She needed to get out of there before she made a promise she couldn’t keep.
‘Love you, Mum.’ Gently kissing her mum’s cheek, she then pulled away. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow when all of this is over.’
‘You will, my love.’ Donna blew her a kiss and Bex had to turn away, not allowing herself to look back, in case that made it seem as if she doubted she would see her mum again. Instead, she chose to believe that everything really would be okay, and she kept walking in the direction Ken had headed earlier when he’d gone to see Briony. She passed two other bays before she spotted her, in the corner bed. She was looking at her phone, her face illuminated by the light of the screen. There were visitors next to all the other beds in the bay and for a moment her heart went out to Briony. She looked so alone. But then Bex remembered the choice she’d made all those years ago and the path it had set all of them on.
Things could have been so different, and the truth was, as hard as she tried to bury her hurt, she’d grieved for everything they’d lost, even when she’d desperately tried to pretend she hadn’t. Briony was okay, she was probably chatting away to friends Bex didn’t know about, sending messages on her phone, or maybe there was even someone special willing her through this operation with all of their heart. Either way, Bex had fulfilled her promise to her mum. She’d looked in on Briony and checked that she was okay, which meant she should have been able toleave for a second time without turning back. Except as she moved down the corridor, she couldn’t help looking over her shoulder to catch one more glimpse of Briony and suddenly it was fear rather than guilt gripping her stomach. It was just stress playing tricks on her mind, that was all. It was all going to be okay. She repeated the mantra in her head as she continued down the corridor. Wishing it was as easy to believe as she wanted it to be.
Briony had tried not to cry when Ken had said goodbye to her, but his parting words had proved too much.
‘I’m so proud of you, sweetheart, and you’ve given me the greatest gift twice over. First, by letting me know what it’s like to be a father, and now by giving your mum back her health. I couldn’t love you any more than I do.’ He’d hugged her so tightly and she hadn’t been able to stop the sob from escaping.
‘Even after what I did to Bex?’
‘I know it wasn’t what it seemed and Bex is so happy now. I never liked Liam anyway.’ Ken had grinned, as he pulled away, winking in a way that had made her smile through her tears.
‘I just wish Bex could forgive me.’
‘She will one day.’ He’d sounded so certain and she’d been desperate to hold on to the hope that he was right.
‘Do you really think so?’
‘I do, sweetheart, you’ve just got to be patient for a little bit longer.’ After Ken had left to go and see her mum, she’d started googling ‘ways to repair a broken relationship’, and ‘is it ever too late to be forgiven for a mistake’. She’d been deep in the search when she’d spotted a movement out of the corner of her eye, but instinctively something had told her not to turn her head andshe’d glanced subtly in the direction of the movement instead, spotting Bex, who was walking past the bay. There was no way her sister could have missed seeing her there, but she hadn’t come in. It was the night before Briony was going in for a serious operation, where a big chunk of her liver would be removed. As gung ho as she’d been about it, she knew there was a risk with any operation, even ones that were nowhere near as serious as this. If Bex couldn’t find it in her heart to say a kind word to her now, she was never going to, no matter what Ken said.
‘I’m so alone.’ She whispered the words under her breath in the seconds after her sister had walked past. It didn’t matter how many people online thought they knew and cared about her, they didn’t really. Their lives wouldn’t be affected in any significant way if she didn’t make it through the operation. Gray and Janey would be sad, but even their lives would go on largely unaffected by Briony’s disappearance. The only people who really loved her were her mum and Ken, and suddenly she was desperate for one of Donna’s hugs, but she’d promised her stepfather that she wouldn’t go to see her, because if her mum saw Briony getting upset it might be enough to derail the whole operation and that was a risk she just wouldn’t take, even though it felt as though her heart was being ripped apart. Dipping her head to try and prevent any of the other patients from spotting her tears, she stared down at her phone. She couldn’t even see the words in front of her because they were so blurred with tears, which seconds later were splashing on to the screen of her phone, just as a text from came through.
Mum
Sleep well, my darling girl. Love you to the moon and back. Can’t wait to see you again when all of this is over and give you the biggest hug ever. Tomorrow I’ll have half of your liver, but you and Bex have the whole of my heart and you always will xxxx
It was from her mum and, as another sob escaped, Briony no longer cared about hiding her emotions from the people around her. All she could do was pray that her mother got through the operation okay, because without her she wasn’t sure she could go on. There was no life without love, at least not one Briony wanted to live. So if it came to a choice between the two of them, she hoped with all her heart that her mum would be the one to make it through.
16
Ken was staying in a hotel in Denmark Hill while Donna was in the hospital and Bex had intended to do the same thing, until Linda’s daughter, Iris, had asked her to stay. She had a ground-floor flat in East Dulwich, about ten minutes away from the hospital, where her mum and Ken would be staying once her mum was discharged. Staying in such close proximity to the hospital would allow Donna and Briony to go for regular check-ups in the weeks following the surgery, and Iris had offered up the flat so that they wouldn’t have to worry about finding accommodation. But there were no pets allowed in the flat and Briony had evidently decided that she wanted to make her own arrangements, in order to be able to have Merlin with her.
As well as accommodating her parents after the surgery, Iris had kept insisting that Bex should stay with her while she was up in London, until she’d finally agreed. It wasn’t that Bex hadn’t wanted to stay. She just felt bad for putting Iris out, when she was already doing so much to help. As Linda’s daughter and Donna’s goddaughter, Iris felt like part of their extended family, and Bex had invited her out for lunch on theday of the surgery to thank her for offering up her flat. If Bex was honest it would also provide a distraction to help her to cope with the intensity of her own thoughts, at a time when her mother was lying just a few miles away, on an operating table. She was still trying to pretend that her mother was the only focus of her concern, but when she’d gone to bed in the spare room in Iris’s flat the night before, and closed her eyes, it hadn’t been just her mother she’d pictured. Sleep had been largely elusive, and she’d missed Matt and the boys more than she’d ever believed possible. It had only been one night so far, but if her husband had been there, he wouldn’t have minded her waking him in the dead of night and telling him she couldn’t sleep. He’d have got up and made her a drink, told her one of his stories, or just held her in his arms while she poured her heart out. Either way she’d have felt better just for being with him.
