‘It wasn’t even like I was in the middle of a life-and-death moment, though. I don’t know why the thought of those two guys going into the sea on a night like this freaked me out so much.’ It was a blatant lie, but Eve couldn’t face admitting the truth.
‘I do,’ Meg interjected. ‘I’ve seen patients brought in who’ve been pulled from the sea and far too often it doesn’t end well. I’ve also seen other stupid decisions that have cost people their lives and it’s such an awful waste. Those men on the stag do were about our age, far too young to end up on a slab in the mortuary, and sometimes the stupidity and pointlessness of people’s actions gets to you in a way you can’t just shake off. I know, I’ve been there.’
It would have been obvious that Meg was speaking from personal experience, even if her eyes hadn’t darkened at that moment, a shadow seeming to fall across her whole face at the recollection of events she clearly wished she hadn’t witnessed. For a moment Eve thought about asking her more, but if Meg had wanted to share the details she would have done, and Eve knew better than anyone that there were some things that needed to be kept shut down inside if there was going to be any hope of getting through the day.
‘I guess so.’ Eve tried to inject some lightness she didn’t feel into her tone, and when she caught Isla’s eye it was harder still. ‘I’ve just been more reactive to situations lately than I should have been.’
Isla gave an almost imperceptible nod, but Eve saw it all the same, and when Isla and Eden exchanged a look, she knew for certain what they were thinking. They’d witnessed her losing it before, when an eighteen-year-old called Callum Sinclair had been rushed in after collapsing on the rugby pitch, his hysterical mother begging the medics to save her son. Eve had known that they wouldn’t be able to save him and that his mother’s painwouldn’t be fleeting, it would last forever. There’d be no looking back to the moment her son hadalmostdied, because he was dead and there was nothing anyone could do to change that.
There’d been so many emotions racing through Eve’s head. There’d been echoes of the night Max was brought in, the tension in the air, the team throwing everything at the situation to try and save a young life, but the outcome had been different and what had thrown Eve the most was the unwanted thought that had come into her head. Perhaps it would have been better if Maxhadn’tsurvived. She didn’t want to think that way, and she didn’t really believe it, but the truth washerMaxhaddied that night. She’d lost him, but she hadn’t been able to grieve for him in the way she would have done if the team hadn’t managed to save him. Annie hadn’t had to say goodbye to her son, the way Callum’s mother had, but she’d lost a big part of who Max was. She just wasn’t ready to accept it and that made it even harder for Eve to be able to express her grief. All the pushing down of her feelings wasn’t good for her, she knew that, and she could almost feel them poisoning her. But she was going to have to get a handle on how it was making her react to things, otherwise there was a chance she might not be able to do the job she loved any more. She couldn’t lose that, because she was scared if she lost one more thing she might not survive it.
‘We all have things that trigger us.’ Isla’s voice was gentle. ‘It’s like that for me if someone comes in and it looks like it might be cancer. Or if there’s a middle-aged man who reminds me of Dad, and the symptoms of Huntington’s. We’re all human and if we didn’t have those emotions, if we didn’t care about people going through hard times, I think it would be far worse for our patients.’
‘It would.’ Eve managed a weak smile, thankful that Isla hadn’t asked what it was that had triggered her. She was just grateful to have her colleagues’ support, maybe if she allowedthem in a little bit more, she could even call them friends. She had to take steps to bring joy to this new life she’d found herself in, and that seemed like as good a place to start as any.
5
Eve had only intended to make a flying visit to see Max to drop off some shopping he’d requested. She needed to get home to make a long overdue video call to his sister, Lily, and she didn’t want to say what she planned to say in front of him. She’d been hoping to drop the shopping off and have a quick chat with Max, who probably wouldn’t even take off his gaming headset, just so she could reassure herself and Annie that he was okay. She might have felt guilty about the intended haste of her visit, if it hadn’t been her fifth one of the past seven days and if Max had made her feel like he’d actually wanted her there on any of the previous four occasions. She knew Annie had already been in that morning, so he’d almost certainly be glad just to be given his shopping and allowed to get on with his game. Except when she got to Oakwood Park there was no sign of him.
‘I don’t suppose you know where Max is, do you?’ she asked Jeanine, one of the staff, who was walking down the corridor when Eve came back out of his room.
‘He’s in the kitchen. Having an OT session with Felix, but it’s not a problem if you want to go in and join them.’ Jeanine smiled and stopped walking, clearly expecting Eve to say thank you andwalk past her towards the kitchen, when what she really wanted to do was make a bolt for the door. She knew how grouchy Max could be when he got frustrated during his OT sessions, and she really wasn’t in the mood to witness that. She didn’t want to see Felix again just yet, either. She was still trying to get a handle on the unwanted wave of attraction she’d felt towards him the last time they’d been together, and it had been a long week already, with far too many heightened emotions to deal with. But Jeanine was still watching her, so she squared her shoulders and nodded.
‘Thanks, I’ll pop in, but this is only a flying visit. I can’t stay long, I’ve got a meeting tonight.’ Eve was doing that overexplaining thing she always did when she was trying to justify a decision she thought someone else might judge her for. She shouldn’t have to justify herself and the truth was she didn’t, because Jeanine probably wouldn’t think anything of it either way, or judge her even if she did walk straight out of the front door. She was the one who was judging herself for it, and all the overexplaining in the world would never overcome the guilt she felt at wanting to turn in the other direction and go home. That’s why she couldn’t do it.
‘I’m sure Max will be pleased to see you.’ Jeanine smiled again, but it didn’t reach her eyes and they both knew she was lying.
‘Why can’t I do it my own way, for Christ’s sake?’ Eve heard Max before she saw him, but when she did, he was snatching a pan back from Felix, who cried out as hot liquid splashed over his hand.
‘Ow, Max, please be careful. You’re going to get a nasty injury if you don’t slow down.’
‘Er, duh.’ Max set the pain down on the stove with a crash and jabbed a finger towards his head. ‘In case you didn’t know that’s already happened. Dickhead.’ He almost spat the last word and Eve couldn’t prevent herself from reacting.
‘Stop it, Max! Felix is just trying to help you and the least you can do is to show a bit of appreciation.’
‘For what? Being made to feel like a baby, who doesn’t even know how to cook baked beans? I just wanted to put them in the sodding microwave for Christ’s sake!’
‘I know and I get that, I really do.’ Felix’s voice was calm and measured, and there wasn’t a hint of anything even approaching anger on his face. ‘But I explained to you that we need to sign off a certain number of sessions using the hob for cooking, in readiness for your move to one of the bungalows. It wouldn’t matter if it was baked beans, a tin of soup, or stroganoff, we need to make sure it’s safe.’
‘Bollocks to this, I’m going back to my room.’ Max wrenched off the apron he was wearing and threw it in the sink. ‘I’ve got already got a GCSE in Food Tech. I don’t need this shit.’
It was as he stalked out in the wake of that grand declaration that Eve caught Felix’s eye and the laughter started to bubble up inside her. She put a hand over her mouth to try and hold it in, but her whole body started to shake and she realised that Felix was laughing too.
‘GCSE Food Tech. That told me.’
‘Don’t!’ She had tears streaming down her face now and it wasn’t just the reference to GCSEs that made her feel as if she was back at school. It was that same kind of uncontrollable laughter she’d sometimes got sitting next to one of her friends in class, when they knew they weren’t allowed to laugh, but nothing could prevent it from happening.
‘I need to up my game, that’s for sure,’ Felix said, his smile not wavering, and she finally managed to answer in a voice still choked with half-hysterical laughter.
‘At least look up what’s on the A Level syllabus.’ Maybe she should have felt mean for laughing, but wasn’t laughingatMax, she was laughing at how absurd their lives had become. Thetruth was, in moments like this, if she didn’t laugh, she’d cry, and she did that far more than she should already.
‘That’ll be my homework for tonight.’ Felix passed her a piece of kitchen towel, suddenly looking a bit more serious. ‘Sorry you had to see that; Max can just get very frustrated during our sessions when he finds things tougher than he thinks they should be. Thanks for saying what you did, though.’
‘I just thought it might help to hear how much we all appreciate what you’re doing for him.’
‘It does and I know deep down he appreciates the help I’m trying to give him. Sometimes he even shows it, in his own way.’ Felix’s smile stopped halfway this time. ‘I just hope you can feel that, or someone else is telling you that, because all the things you do for Max are incredible. I can only imagine how hard it must be sometimes, when it feels like he’s throwing that back in your face.’
‘It feels like that a lot.’ Eve wasn’t sure she’d ever been so honest with anyone before and she couldn’t afford for Max to become her confidante in a way that no one else was. Not if she was going to stand any chance of keeping her feelings for him in check.
