‘Yeah, I’m working tonight.’ I nod. ‘Seeyas there.’
I think that’s the end of it until they get to the doorway and Noah calls, ‘Later, Fudgyyyyyy!’ before prominently raisinghis fingers to his mouth in a V-shape and waggling his tongue between them in the universal sign for cunnilingus.
Vince and Noah crack up as they leave Panda Panda and walk down the street.
‘That is disgusting!’ Sabrina says. She teepees her fingers and peers at me with concern. ‘So,’ she says.
‘So,’ I concur. I know this is a ‘so’ moment now.
‘Look, Zeke … you’ve changed a lot lately, very suddenly, and as your friend, I’m really worried about you,’ Sabrina says. Her words flow fast and cold, like Vince’s effervescent coffee soda monstrosity. ‘Ever since you started seeing that Jack guy – the footy guy – you’ve started going off the rails. You pretended to get into sports to impress him. You moved out of my flat but all your stuff is still there. And now, what? You’ve quit the call centre to work at that gross bar, really?’
‘I didn’t quit,’ I say, out of Catholic honesty, nothing else. ‘They fired me.’
Sabrina’s eyes bulge. ‘Okay, now I’mfreaking out,’ she says. ‘You gotfired! And then you’ve gone on some dirty footy trip with these guys? Who’s this Fergus? Did you cheat on Jack? Why are they calling you Fudgy? Is that slang for something?’
I have this mental image of me as a soldier standing on top of a castle’s parapets and Sabrina as an archer down below, firing arrow after arrow directly into my chest without mercy, her quiver apparently bottomless.
‘No, Fudgy is because I threw up chocolate mousse after getting wasted,’ I explain. ‘And I didn’t cheat on Jack – I’m notwithhim. He was a one-night stand. Same as Fergus.’
The archer reloads. ‘But this is what I’m talking about!’ Sabrina says. ‘Where are you even staying? Please tell me you’re not sleeping in your car.’
‘No, I’m staying with Charlie.’
This is, of course, the worst thing I could have said.
‘Charlie Roth! No!’ Sabrina cries. ‘Well, that explains it. He was always a horrible influence on you. Look at you: writing yourself off, sleeping with every other guy, couch-surfing at Charlie’s. This isn’t you, Zeke. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore!’
And without any warning, Sabrina’s crying.
She isn’t a manipulator: these are real tears, and I feel guilty of betraying her, even without understanding why.
In that moment, something weird happens. I split off from my flesh and bones in real time: my physical body – a Ghost Zeke – gets out of his seat, while my soul watches on from above, aware of it but unable to stop it unfolding. Ghost Zeke draws into the chair beside Sabrina, and throws his arms around her in comfort. He is so worried about his friend not liking him anymore, he throws himself under the bus. He says sorry for causing a fight. He tells her she was right. Sabrina is the main character and Ghost Zeke is the BFF who exists to support her – a symbiosis he will do anything to avoid losing (gay kryptonite; fatal).
Sabrina dabs her eyes with a serviette. ‘You’re back,’ she whispers. ‘I felt like I’d lost my friend, but you’re back.’ She smiles gently. ‘Okay. Let’s draw a line in the sand. I forgive you. Come back home and let’s forget this ever happened.’
The nerve in my wrist twitches; the knuckles of my unformed fist briefly tap the edge of the table, but with no power. Ghost Zeke is in charge: I am somewhere else, somewhere hidden. I’ve dissociated from my body the way I did years ago, when I walked through those sliding Geraldton Airport doors and squashed myself back into straight Zeke’s body. The oxygen is crushed out of my lungs. I am suffocated again.
I remember how fiercely Jack stood up to Xander. I am no Jack Brolo. I’m not strong enough to prevent my self-abandonment – but I have enough fire in me to delay it.
‘My parents have applied for this flat, and if they get it, I have to move in there,’ I say. ‘If not, I can move back in with you. I’ll have a clearer plan in about a week’s time.’
I wonder if the plan might involve running away to Europe so I never have to see either Sabrina or my parents ever again.
Sabrina pulls her blazer tighter around her chest. ‘A week it is,’ she says. ‘Either way, let’s get started with the job hunt. We need to get you out of that bar as soon as possible.’
‘Of course,’ I agree, another radioactive pill of anger dissolving into the nuclear wasteland of my guts, invisible to Sabrina as I fix her with my big, beaming smile.
Wonder if I’ll ever be able to see my real face again.
20
THE MAN WHO SOLD THE WORLD
CHARLIE
The day after I break up with Mason, I take a day off from the bar: it’s my turn for a Flop Day with Reyna.
Ahmed saw what a mess I was yesterday. He made me chicken soup and wrapped me in a blanket, as if I’d been rescued off a capsized yacht. I loved him for that.
