‘No, don’t evade it,’ I say. ‘Does one of my photos look weird or something?’
Zeke sighs. ‘No, nothing like that. Urgh. Okay.’ He sits up, facing me from his end of the bed. ‘I saw your “looking for” section includes “dates” and “relationships” and I was surprised, is all.’
‘Doesn’t everyone have those boxes ticked?’ I ask.
‘Not me,’ Zeke says. ‘I only have one box ticked. Hookups. That’s all I ever look for.’
‘Ever?’
‘Ever,’ he says quickly. ‘Even the idea of a boyfriend makes me feel … tied down. I like that when I hook up, it’s purely sex. I getto be myself, nobody trying to change me. A relationship means compromise. I would hate that.’
‘Huh,’ I say. ‘Interesting side of you, Zeke.’
I have this impulse to give him a hug. I remember the nerdy dude from biology class, and wow, life really screwed him up.
‘Well, that’s what I thought, seeing “relationships” on your profile,’ Zeke says. ‘I didn’t have you picked for a romantic.’
‘It makes you “romantic” to want love?’
‘Doesn’t it?’
‘Isn’t that just … human?’
‘I just didn’t know it was something you were looking for,’ Zeke says. ‘I think it’s nice.’
‘You’ve never had a relationship, have you?’ I venture, but I’m reasonably confident Zeke will say no, and he does. ‘I love being in a relationship. It’s not like you think. If it’s the right guy, you won’t have to change for him, or if you do, it’ll be a change you’re excited by. When I was with Matt, I would’ve lived on his farm if it meant we could be together.’
‘I …’ Zeke hesitates, ‘… wanted to ask about Matt so much, but I didn’t want to upset you again like at Steam Works.’
‘I was in a weird mood that day. What d’you wanna ask?’
‘Well, you never opened up about it. Do you still think about him?’
Big question.
‘I try not to,’ I admit. ‘But I do. Like, with the bar, would Matt have loved it, or would the tradie mural scare him off? And when I’ve had boyfriends, Matt is like, this yardstick I measure them against. Except it’s been so long, I don’t know if I’m even measuring properly. I might be using the idea of Matt, rather than who Matt really was. Sorry, that’s a bit emo.’
‘No, I get it, man,’ Zeke replies. ‘He was the first guy you loved.’
‘Theonlyguy I’ve loved,’ I say, unexpectedly defensive. ‘Every other boyfriend was just a dating situation that clung on forweeks instead of days. Nowadays all I have are dumb crushes on guys who can’t reciprocate. Like this bear cub I met the other night. He ghosted me and left the bar. It’s like I’m too much and I scare people off.’
‘I don’t think you scare them off,’ Zeke says, his voice rising.
‘But you do think I’m too much?’
‘No, you just … I guess you come across a bit …’
‘What? I come across as what? Tell me.’
‘Shit. Nothing. Far out.’
‘No, go on, say it,’ I demand, louder than I mean to. ‘Nobody has the balls to say stuff to my face. You’re my oldest friend. Say it.’
Zeke props himself up on his elbow. ‘Okay, this conversation is a good example,’ he says. ‘You kinda barrel at people, like a bulldog. You’re intense and passionate. Sometimes that’s fun, but it doesn’t leave much room for anyone else to say how they feel, you know?’
‘Ouch,’ I say, kicking the rug off my legs and immediately feeling too cold.
‘You said you wanted honesty.’
