Maybe it was all of it combined. His heart just couldn’t hold up to it anymore.
Nobody’s indestructible.
In the moments where my tsunami rampage ebbs, I realise that last night, I think I tried to die.
But waking up alive does not feel like failure. It feels like a second chance.
I think about Hammer, rematerialising into my life as if he hadn’t ghosted me for years. I still don’t understand how that happened or why Charlie called him. But that’s hardly my focus: I can’t stop thinking about what he admitted.
I only broke it off with you cos of footy. Not cos I ever stopped liking you. Okay?
Does that mean what it sounds like it means? The jock I was stupid enough to have a crush on didn’t just like me back – he still does? And he’s rocked up now to tell me that? Is he going to speak to me again? Will he reply if I text? Or will he ghost me again?
No matter what’s in store for me and Hammer, losing my shit at him last night has undone a toxic knot of grief I didn’t even know was strangling my solar plexus. Maybe snapping at footy training yesterday unlocked something in me. I feel lighter and stronger. Last night, I said to Hammer what I should have shouted in that hotel room.
I was angry like Jack Brolo.
I was strong like Curtis Levesque.
Once I’m released from the confines of my drip, I pad barefoot to the hospital ward toilet to take a dump. The exhaust fan whirrs. The tiles are cold on my feet. My reflection in the mirror is bruised, my knuckles bleeding again. If I died last night whenmy heart stopped beating, I would have died a coward. Hiding, twisting myself into knots for the approval of my parents, Sabrina, the world. It has been such a mistaken way to live: this desperate, frightened approval monster I became. There was never anything wrong with me and I never needed approval to be my own man. Curtis tried to tell me that. I’ve learned it now. Nothing the world throws at me can ever hurt me more than I hurt myself. I don’t fear displeasing anyone anymore.
The hospital’s foam soap smells of fresh citrus and stings the grazed skin as I wash my hands clean and allow myself to smile at my reflection instead of scowl at its imperfections. I am pear-shaped and shirtless and stocky and hairy and alive.
And I am so fucking done not being myself.
When I get the missed calls from my mother, I ignore them. I forgot about my plans with my parents: a coffee catch-up after my cousin’s christening. The last thing I want is for my parents to find out I’m in hospital and go full Sicilian on me.
But then Charlie texts.Hey dude, ur folks rocked up at the front door and Rex let slip you’re in Charlie’s. Sorry. They’re heading to see you. Heads up.
Goddammit.
Thanks for letting me know. I hesitate, but add:How are you holding up?
Still in shock. I can’t believe it. Curtis. I loved him so much, Zeke. He was Superman to me. I thought he’d live forever. Ahmed has fallen apart, all over the shop emotionally. Kayla and Tenille are here. Rex is a mess. We’re all sitting here like stunned mullets.
There are no words to make it better. Before I can formulate a reply, Charlie adds:He was like a dad to me, man.
Another tsunami slams me; saltwater all over the bed sheet.
I know. I’m so sorry. Curtis was a good man.
The best man I’ve ever known, Charlie replies.Dunno what I’ll do without him.
Sorry I’m stuck in hospital. Do you have someone there for you?I ask.Reyna?
Reyna’s in Mandurah – Hectic Lettuce had a gig there last night.
Mason?I suggest.
Charlie’s reply is quick.I can’t. I fucked things with him. I guess it’s over.
The old Zeke would have said something gentle and comforting, but I tap a fired-up message to Charlie instead.Sorry for the tough love but here’s the truth. You can’t let relationships die the moment there’s one little argument. You let it happen with me, with Matt, even Hannah and Rocky. Mason likes you and you like him. Don’t fuck this up. Make the first move. You need him and he’ll be there for you, he’s that kind of guy. You deserve to be happy.
There’s a long silence. Several times, Charlie’s three dots appear and disappear. Finally he writes back:Wow, what got into you?
Padde, I write back.
Wtf is padde?Charlie asks.
