I didn’t correct him, saying I was a guardian, because he hadn’t meant it as an insult or commentary on the situation.
“It was a lot, not gonna lie, but I’m glad my brother picked me. I was still mourning my brother, and to have a piece of him in my life… it eased that pain a bit.” I closed my eyes. Nothing would eradicate the hole in my heart, and I’d never use Rupert in that way, even if he could. But looking back, his presence helped.
“I’m sorry, that was so insensitive.” Why did I have to run my mouth? “You lost a brother too.” He hadn’t so much as heard a rumor Rupert existed, much less had him in his life.
“Yeah, but it was different. He was so young. I was so young. If I’d been asked to take Rupert then, his life wouldn’t have been as good. It would have been pretty shitty, honestly. I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. There was no way I could take care of somebody else.”
I hadn’t considered it from that perspective, but it made sense. I had seven extra years to grow up and be ready for this job. At eighteen, I’d have been an epic fail. I wasn’t sure I was far from that now.
“Can you tell me about my nephew? I want to know about him more than just the pictures, and those were great, but I want to really know him. How is he doing? He lost his dad, that’s a lot at any age.”
We devoured the entire pizza as I admitted to him that there were still nights when Rupert stayed up crying, and I felt hopeless. I shared about the way he loved to build with Lego and how it was something we could do together, but not too often because the cool sets weren’t cheap. I told him about the way both he and his father loved to go on the carousel over and over and over again.
As I regaled Raff with stories, he would say little things like, “Oh, my brother was like that,” or, “Oh, yeah, that wasn’t how Bodie enjoyed his ice cream either,” or, “Bodie preferred cartoons at that age”—highlighting all the different ways they were alike or different.
It was in those moments that I realized telling Raff had been the right thing. We still hadn’t shared with Rupert or Raff’s parents, but this was a step in the right direction.
“I’m really sorry I kept this from you.” It was weighing heavily on me. I’d allowed fear to dictate my actions, and in this case, it led to a terrible decision.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He reached for my hand. “If I’d been in your position, I’d probably have done the same thing. You must have been scared after what my brother said. Ipromise you, I don’t hold it against you in the slightest. I’m sort of glad you did because it means that you put Rupert first, and that’s exactly where he belongs.”
How could this wonderful man in front of me be twins with the person who’d done that to my brother?
