8
THORNE
It had been my first day off since Raff came into the kitchen and we had our conversation. I’d seen him since, but it was never in private, just the two of us. And I was glad, because if he asked me again, I wasn’t sure what the answer would be. It was so confusing.
He deserved to know that Rupert existed. He did. Rupert deserved all the family he could get. But what if they felt about him the way Bodie did? How could Rupert handle that kind of rejection?
That didn’t sound like Raff to me, but what did I know? We’d barely spoken, and it wouldn’t be just him to consider. There were other family members to think about. For all I knew, they were horrible people and would try to take him from me and keep us apart. Raff was a ton different from his brother; that didn’t mean they all were. This wasn’t the first time I’d had this inner argument with myself, but they all ended the same, with me being too scared to do anything about it.
Rupert and I woke up that morning and headed straight to the zoo to be there when the gates opened. According to theinternet, it was a three- to four-hour adventure, depending on if you got tickets to the train, the carousel, and the Ferris wheel. There were only three rides, but that was plenty when one was a carousel.
The internet lied. We spent the entire day there. We’d have stayed longer if they didn’t close at six. It had been a great day, between checking out the animals, pretending we were animals, eating an ice cream on a stick shaped like a penguin, and riding every animal that caught Rupert’s eye on the carousel.
By the time we got home, he was ready for a quick dinner, his bath, and sleep. He fell asleep almost instantly, clutching his dad’s pillow as I finished reading the story he’d picked out from the library.
I didn’t know why I had it in my head that if I started a book with him, I needed to finish it, even if he was asleep. He wouldn’t hear the words while he was in REM, I didn’t think, but leaving the story unfinished didn’t feel right, so I kept going. There would come a time when this wasn’t possible, the books requiring multiple days, but for now it worked.
At least I knew how they ended if he asked in the morning, which, so far, he hadn’t yet. But there were times he asked me to read it again, and I called that a win in the literacy column. My parents had always read to us, and I loved carrying on that tradition for as long as he let me. My brother and I lasted until about middle school age, when we decided we were “too big” to be read to. How foolish we’d been.
I closed the book, set it on his nightstand, turned off the lamp I was reading from, and tiptoed out of the room, which I did every night. Despite his being sound asleep while I read, I was alwaysfearful my footsteps would be the thing that woke him. They never did. Still, I wasn’t risking it.
The glow of his nightlight, which cast stars on the ceiling, allowed me to catch one last glimpse of him before shutting his door. He looked so peaceful like that, as if he had no cares in this world. If only I could make that true for him.
After walking to my bedroom, I went directly through it to the bathroom to take a shower. I needed to wind down and then possibly think about some new recipes for the team. I was seeing a pattern in what they liked and didn’t like and was hoping to use that to up my game. The better I did at this job, the more opportunities I’d have for the next. At least, that was what I kept telling myself.
After my shower, I crossed to the dresser to grab some pajamas. As I reached into the drawer, I saw my brother looking back at me. His picture had been sitting there since we moved in. He was really pregnant in it, and he’d asked me not to take it until I showed him how perfect it was. I doubted he believed me, but he didn’t ask me to delete it again.
I’d thought about putting it away. Looking over and catching it out of the corner of my eye was sometimes too painful. Then there were days like today, when I was grateful he was there. I pulled on my pajama pants, then grabbed the picture and brought it over to the bed, where I sat down.
“Hey, Harvey. It’s been a long time since we talked. I miss you. I miss you so much it sometimes hurts to breathe. I wish you could come back.” I hugged the picture close to me. “But don’t worry about Rupert. I’m looking out for him. And the new job I was telling you about? It’s going pretty well. It’s definitely a great stepping stone. The hours are great.”
I took a big breath and let it out slowly.
“Today, I had the whole day off, and I took Rupert to the zoo. He loves the merry-go-round as much as you do.”
If only I had a picture of him on the wooden animals to show Rupert one day.
“I remember when we were his age, and we went to the big, fancy amusement park on vacation, and all you wanted to do was ride the merry-go-round. Every time our parents asked if we wanted to go on the next ride, you would stomp your foot, hands on your hips in fists, and say, ‘No, I want the merry-go-round!’ We must have been on that a thousand times that day.”
My parents didn’t know what to do with themselves and ended up giving up and letting us ride to our hearts’ content.
“Rupert got distracted by the otters, so we were only on it five times today, but it was enough to have the ride operator chuckling. He even held Rupert up and let him snatch one of the rings for a free ride. Later, he said he’s never turning it in. He’s going to keep it.”
Tears were flowing down my cheeks. I set the picture down long enough to grab tissues and blow my nose.
“And I promise you, I’m going to do everything I can to give him the life you wanted to give him.”
I wasn’t sure I was cut out for it, but my brother had said that when he learned about the pregnancy. He didn’t think he was going to be a good dad, but he was the best one that ever was. If only I could be half as good as he was, that would be enough.
I left the picture on my nightstand, and after snagging a shirt, went into the living room and sat down with my laptop. I openedit up, checking my emails and looking at job listings. Unlike when I first ran into Raff and had been rage searching, I wasn’t adamant that I was going to need a new job, but I was leaving the option open.
Once again, I saw the harsh reality that this really was the best-case scenario for me. It had the hours and the location we needed. Even if someone were opening the next big thing in restaurants and wanted me to be the head chef, it wasn’t time for that. I needed the set hours, I needed the steady income, and I needed to be near his school.
Rupert had enough changes in his life. He didn’t need any more.
That wasn’t true.
He needed one more big change I wasn’t quite ready to face. He needed to meet his uncle and any other family they might have.
When Raff asked me not to judge him by his brother, he’d been right. Raff wasn’t Bodie, and keeping his nephew from him wouldn’t fix what Bodie did. But maybe introducing them could give Rupert back something he’d lost. At the end of the day, that was what mattered. I didn’t think they would try to take him from me. If they tried, I had my brother’s note, and I could fight them.
Something told me I wouldn’t have to.
