“Because they know I’m a fuckup. They fully expect me to do exactly what Gemma has just done and drop out in the middle of the school year. They told me they’ve ‘invested enough in me.’ ”
“Invested in you?”
“Yeah, like put me through school and all that. It is a sort of an investment when you think about it.”
Mebel supposes Bella has a point, but it seems callous to her, all the same. She has never once thought of Sammy as an investment.
“So, this banquet? The chance for a position at Canard et Vin’s kitchen? Do you even know of the place? It’s one of Paris’s most celebrated restaurants. Three Michelin stars. You don’t even know how hard it is to even get a single star, Mebs. It is, like, nearly impossible to get three stars, especially in a city as competitive as Paris.” Bella gestures animatedly, her eyes shining with passion. “It’s the only chance I’ve got to prove my parents wrong. To make a good living for myself. Once you’ve worked at a place like Canard et Vin, you can basically find work at any restaurant of your choice. That’s what’s at stake for us with this banquet. That’s why we’re taking this shit so seriously.”
Mebel is overcome by a mix of guilt and embarrassment, because Bella’s right. She hasn’t even spared a thought for whatthe reward would mean for her classmates, because it means nothing to her. Even if she wins, she won’t take the job, because she’s never going to become a chef anyway. Her path will always lead back to Jakarta to reclaim her spot as Henk’s trophy wife, to be placed back on the shelf, all shiny and even more impressive now that she can cook a mean steak. She can already see it—she and Henk will throw dinner parties. They’ll hire caterers, because of course they will, but Mebel will be in charge of the star dish, something impressive with a complicated French name, and when she brings it out of the kitchen, everyone will applaud. Henk’s friends will clap him on the back and say,You got lucky with her, didn’t you?and Henk will smile smugly and nod.
“I’m sorry,” she says quietly. “You are right, I don’t realize how much pressure you young people are under.”
Bella gives a forlorn nod. “It’s a lot.”
“Yes, is sound very tiring. But, Bella, you are very talented young woman. You will make it out there, even if you don’t win this one competition.”
Bella sniffs. “I don’t know about that. We’ll see, I guess.”
Mebel leaves Bella’s room with her head spinning, too much information swirling around inside. She takes out her phone and sees that there is a text from Alain. For a second, Mebel’s spirits lift, but then she reads the actual message.
Alain:Ma cherie, I am going to be in London to check on my restaurant for the next few days. x
What the hell kind of message is that?Mebel thinks huffily. No apologies, no reassurances about when they will see eachother again. For a moment, fear slices through her like a rusty knife. Her immediate thought is:This is because you gave the sex to him. He has had the sex, and now he is satisfied and he is bored of you and now he will meet his lover in London and have the sex with her instead.
Stupid, she scolds herself. She should’ve known better. Isn’t that what her upbringing was all about? Withholding sex from men so that the power remains with her? Women who give it up too soon are used and then discarded. Doesn’t Mebel know that? Every good CHIP worth her salt knows that her value lies in her sex, and that once given, she also gives her worth to the man. Mebel could just scream at the thought of how foolish she’s been.
Shame overwhelms her, and she hurries back inside her bedroom, locking it behind her. She takes her shoes off and climbs into her narrow bed, pulling the covers over her head and cocooning herself in its soft darkness. For a long while, Mebel lies there listening to the sounds of her own breathing, trying to calm the whirlwind of emotions rushing through her.
Don’t be so dramatic, she tells herself.So, Gemma has quit the course abruptly. You’ve talked to people about it, and everyone agrees this is just what young people are wont to do, which is true. When you were in your early twenties, you started a ton of projects that you left halfway through. You picked up tennis and piano, remember? And now you play neither. And so what if Alain has left you just because he has slept with you? It’s not the end of the world. You’re here to win Henk back. Your little tryst with Alain was never to go anywhere, not really. It was a fling. What the youths would call a rebound.
Am I the sort of person to have rebounds?she wonders.
Apparently, yes.
God, she thinks.If Henk ever finds out, he will be livid. There will be no taking me back then.
What a double standard, her mind seethes.So he gets to do whatever he wants and leave you for another woman, but if you then have a little tryst of your own, he thinks you’re soiled goods?
Well, yes, Mebel thinks.That is, unfortunately, how the world works, isn’t it?Or at least the part of the world that she’s from.Argh, this is impossible.
Life, it seems, has decided to throw yet another monkey wrench into her plans, and this time, Mebel is too exhausted to try to pull it out.
Chapter 15
The only thing that hasalways cheered Mebel up when she feels this way is to binge-watchSex and the City. These women’s lives are so far removed from Mebel’s that it is a complete escape from reality for her. And she loves knowing that even with the freedom that comes with being a career woman in New York City, Carrie and her friends’ lives remain disastrously messy. Mebel likes to imagine Samantha growing up as a CHIP and being told no sex before marriage.
Now, as Mebel watches her eighth episode ofSex and the Cityin a row while eating a caramel Cadbury bar and sipping a glass of white wine, she imagines herself as one of these women. Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha, and Mebel. Why not? Their names even go great together. She imagines confiding in them about sleeping with Alain and thinks of how each woman would react. Samantha would nod at Mebel over her martiniglass and give her a proud wink. Come to think of it, even Charlotte would be proud of her.
In contrast, her friends back in Jakarta would be absolutely horrified. Their mouths would drop open, aghast, and then they’d catch themselves and force polite smiles onto their faces. Then, one by one, they would come up with some excuse to leave the gathering, after which they would furiously gossip about Mebel the hussy over WhatsApp.
Mebel watches forlornly as Carrie learns to eat at a restaurant on her own. She snorts. What’s the big deal about eating on her own? Mebel does it all the time. People do it all the time. But then she watches as Carrie sits down at a table and tells the waiter that she is there alone. She doesn’t take out her phone or a book or a newspaper or anything. She merely sits there and eats on her own, enjoying her own company, and that’s when it hits Mebel that although she has eaten on her own plenty of times before, she has never done it without the aid of a book or, in recent years, her phone to distract her from the fact that she is eating alone. And when she thinks back to all the people she’s seen eating alone in restaurants, they too have always been immersed in their phones. And it is very different, isn’t it, to sit there and be on one’s phone versus sitting there and being fully in the moment.
Mebel checks her watch. It is seven o’clock. She didn’t plan on doing anything for dinner because everything that’s happened today has killed her appetite, but now, she sits up, puts aside her half-eaten chocolate bar, and gets out of bed. She throws on a pair of jeans and a comfortable sweater. A glance in the mirror tells her that she looks haggard, most of her makeupwiped away, and she doesn’t bother reapplying it. Why bother when she’s only got herself for company? She picks up her phone and is about to slip it into her handbag when she pauses. Why tempt herself? Drawing a deep breath, she places the phone carefully on her table, then with one last look at it, she leaves her room.
Minutes later, Mebel is out on the street, breathing in the cold night air and making her way to Cowley Road. Without her phone to look at, she is forced to pay full attention to her surroundings. For the first couple of blocks, Mebel’s mind rebels against the boredom. Maybe she should turn around and grab her phone. What if Sammy messages her? What if Gemma tries to call her?
The urge to go back to the dorm and snatch her phone off the table is almost overwhelming, but Mebel forces herself to keep going.You can be without your phone for an hour or so, she tells herself.If anyone tries calling you, you will see the missed call when you get back and you can call them back then. No one is going to die while you are away from your phone, and even if they were and you were at your phone, there’s nothing you can do about it.
