I nodded. I knew they had no other choice than to send me on my way, but the thought of finding another residence, getting whatever reference letters that would require, again, and having to settle into someplace new, at night, all felt overwhelming.
“Is there any other way? Could I make it up to you? Could I at least have a few days to make other arrangements?” I was set to perform at the club in just a few hours; I couldn’t ruin things with Texas, too.
“Rules are rules, Olive. We’ve been accommodating you in good faith. We have to maintain the highest standards, or the rest of the girls will think they can break the rules too. We must ask you to collect your things and leave.”
“All right,” I said, nodding slowly.
“You may make one phone call. And then you must be on your way.”
I held the receiver to my ear, waiting for the operator to connect me, still unsure of what I was about to say.
“Mother,” I said when I heard her voice, “it’s Olive.”
Silence greeted me on the other end. I waited a moment, hoping she would speak, but she did not. I wished I could tell her everything, how wretched I felt, but she hadn’t even said hello. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I’d been kicked out of Saint Agnes. How could I possibly drop any lower in her estimation?
“I was thinking, I was thinking, perhaps I could come home.”
There was a sigh. “Why would you do that? We’ve already discussed this. We will take care of the child.”
“But wait, I’m not saying that. I mean, I could come home, to help out with Addie.” Somehow, as I said these words, they made sense to me. Hope sprang up inside me as the words tumbled out. “I would like to. Mother, I’ve been thinking seriously—”
“Oh, Olive.Haveyou? It’s not a good idea,” she said tightly. “Your father is very angry.”
“Well, maybe it will help if I’m there. I could help smooth things over.”
“You do the very opposite of smoothing things over, Olive.” She was speaking quietly; my father must have been in the next room. “You make a mess of everything.”
“I won’t this time. I promise. It could be good for Addie, if I were there to help.”
“No. It would be very confusing for the girl.”
“I’ll go along with your wishes, I’ll be her cousin, if that’s what you want me to be. I need to know her. Why won’t you let me?”
“Because you can’t be trusted—you proved that in Rockville. And we can’t have your brothers finding out. That’s the last thing we would need. We cannot have this family dragged through the dirt with you revealing your relationship to the child when it pleases you. It’s not fair to the other members of this family.”
“But, Mother—”
“It’s not a good idea, Olive, it will only make things worse. I’m not doing this to punish you, I’m simply trying to do the right thing, and not have our family crumble apart because of it. And let me tell you, things are precarious at the moment, very precarious. Your father is having a very difficult time with the news you sprang on him. And he’s furious with me for lying to him.” She added in a whisper, “He’s barely speaking to me.”
I heard crying in the background.
“Is that her?” I asked, suddenly feeling desperate. “Wait, does she need something?”
“I have to go, Olive,” she said, and the line went dead.
I showed up at the 300 with everything I owned packed in my trunk. Texas took one look at me and shook her head. She agreed to let me sleep in the dressing room for a few nights but said I’d have to make more permanent arrangements after that.
But I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned all night, thinking of Addie. Her cry at the other end of the phone line stayed with me.I’d heard about women who, after having a child, developed a new instinct when their child was hurt or needed them. They could be fast asleep, and the whimper of their child two bedrooms over would immediately wake them. I didn’t know what it was I had developed since finding out the truth about Addie, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I pictured her eating at the dinner table, chasing the birds, falling asleep as I read to her, but I kept playing those few brief memories over and over in my head. They were all I had, and I yearned for more.
In the morning, I dressed and walked east to Fifth Avenue and West Thirty-eighth Street. The last time I had set foot in Lord & Taylor felt like a lifetime ago, though it was really just before I met Archie. I remembered splurging on the red dress and a few weeks later waiting impatiently for him to call on me so that I could wow him in it. Archie. I bit my lip at the thought of him.
I took the escalator up to the children’s floor and wandered among the dresses, touching the delicate embroidery on the collar of a crisp white frock. I picked up a pale grey wool coat that had a dramatic flare. I imagined Addie putting it on and spinning. A tiny pair of patent-leather Mary Janes caught my eye—I’d had a similar pair as a girl. How was it possible that these past two years had unfolded—my performances, my nights out on the town, my falling in love—all of it transpiring while Addie was living with Aunt May? I should have known, should have been with her, watching her grow.
“Good morning, madam,” the salesgirl said, startling me. “Are you shopping for something in particular? For someone special?”
“No,” I said, suddenly flustered. “Not in particular. But yes, for someone special.”
She looked at me expectantly.
