“Olive!” She pulled me to her and held me tight, but I couldn’t stop.
“They said something tore, my uterus, I think—and I’m pretty sure it was my punishment. God took one look at me doing this inexcusably cruel, selfish thing, and he punished me by damaging me, so I couldn’t do it again to another innocent baby.”
At last I fell quiet. Ruthie sat back, took a deep breath and, probably without even realizing, rubbed her belly with both hands. “Let’s keep God out of this, shall we?” she said gently. “What’s done is done. You weren’t married, you would have been disowned, and you probably couldn’t have taken care of a baby then, anyway.”
“Of course I could, I just didn’t want to. I wanted to perform, I wanted to live my life, I wanted the pregnancy to be over as soon as possible so I could move to New York and follow my dreams. And now I have this beautiful life all laid out ahead of me and I can’t live it. It’s all going to be a big lie, and”—the tears started filling my eyes again—“Archie has no idea about any of this.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him, I was scared I’d lose him.”
Ruthie stood up and poured me some tea, added several spoonfuls of sugar and some milk and set it down in front of me.
“I thought Archie didn’t even want children,” she said.
“That’s what I thought when we first met.”
“How old is he, anyway? Thirty-eight?”
I nodded.
“Well, he should have gotten started earlier.”
“But he did. He had that awful tragedy with his first wife and their child,” I said, “and he told me that ship had sailed for him. But after we were going together for some time he started to change his tune. He started saying he could imagine what it would be like to have a child with me, he said he felt happy and hopeful. And then he didn’t stop talking about it, planning our future, and I just let him. And, honestly, I felt the same way he did. I never could have imagined having a child before I met him, but now”—the tears welled up in me again—“I think it would be the most beautiful thing in the world.”
Finally talking about this with Ruthie, after two and a half years of keeping the secret pushed down deep inside, made all my regret and remorse rise up to the surface.
“I never thought I could give up the stage. I used to think it was the only time that people approved of me, that the only time they truly loved me was when I was performing, when they’d stand up and clap their hands together with such enthusiasm, and at theFrolicwhen they’d slam their mallets on the table, and I’d feel the vibrations.That, Ruthie, that felt like love to me, that felt like the best kind of love there was. I thought it was the only kind of love I’d ever need.”
Ruthie nodded slowly. “And then you met Archie.”
“Yes,” I said. “And then I felt what real love was—true and connected. Archie makes me feel like the most adored woman who ever lived. And last night, when I was singing that final number, and they were all clapping away, and I was taking it all in, I thought, This is nice, how very kind of them to appreciate me like this. And then I thought, I can’t wait to tell Archie about it, I can’t wait to be in his embrace again, to lie next to him in bed, to hold his hand.”
Ruthie sighed. “You have to tell him, Olive.”
“I can’t.”
“You have to be honest with him.”
“If I tell him, I’ll lose him, I know I will. He’ll be repulsed by what I did, sending that sweet baby off into the world alone. Oh God, when she was so helpless.” It was as if I were realizing the magnitude of it all for the very first time, and another wave of sobs rose up in me.
I took a deep breath and tried to regain my composure. “There are plenty of young, beautiful, capable women who would gladly marry him and bear his children,” I said, trying to be realistic.
“Oh, stop that kind of talk. But Olive, I’m telling you, if you walk down that aisle and then he finds out afterwards that you kept this from him, then you will most definitely lose him. You might be married, but he won’t trust you. He may not be able to forgive you, and then you’ll be alone in a loveless, resentful marriage for the rest of your life. You both will. Tell him now, Olive. You have to, it’s the only way.”
I nodded. I knew she was right, I just didn’t know if I could.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
When I returned to the camp a few days later, it was quiet. Plants had been delivered and set up around the property, giving the camp a tropical feel. An inviting aroma of baking came from the kitchen. I didn’t see Archie, who must have been out with one of the guides. We’d had so many guests all summer that I’d almost forgotten what it was like to hear the birds, the gentle rustle of the breeze in the trees and the stillness. In less than a week the wedding guests would start to arrive, staying at the camp or at Paul Smith’s Hotel. We’d get caught up in the hosting and the entertaining, and we’d have few moments to ourselves, and then the wedding would be upon us, and I’d be walking down the aisle. Archie would be standing under the trellis, the lake in the background, and he’d be smiling and… I shut my eyes. Stop it, just stop thinking, I told myself. I needed a distraction. Everything was too quiet, too still.
I changed out of my city clothes and put on my trousers and mygaloshes and walked down to the farm. Eugene was there, and when he saw me approach his face broke into a huge smile.
“Is there news?” I asked.
“There is,” he said. “She had a filly. Come and see.”
I slowly approached the stable and peeked my head into the stall. Lady stood proudly next to her foal, who was skinny, all legs, her coat fluffy like a rabbit’s. She had almost exactly the same markings as Lady—golden brown, three white feet and a white spot on her nose.
