I hold my breath as I force my legs to continue wading into the water. A sharp gasp escapes my lips when my breasts are submerged. It hurts for a matter of seconds before everything goes numb and a sense of euphoria tears through me.
The mist that clings to the shoreline and the clouds that hang low as if to observe my movement hold my attention as I swim out as far as I can to the center of the lake. My mind clears of all my troubled thoughts, and my limbs become harder to move.
I turn to float on my back and stare up at the crows that fly overhead. They must be the ones that decided to stay behind for winter.
No one is coming to save you.
A drowsy grin spreads over my lips as I force all the air from my lungs and allow myself to dip below the water’s surface.
The cold feels like a million needles over my skin.
I open my eyes and take in the way the light dances over the water’s surface. It’s beautiful for all of ten seconds before my eyes start to close and my consciousness falters.
“Briar.”It’s his voice.
Roman.
I focus my mind and swim to the surface, gasping for breath and looking around to make sure I’m alone. It’s not fair that people can haunt you when they are still breathing.
I don’t care about him. Just like he doesn’t care about me.
But the thoughts are weak. I can’t lie to myself, even if I wish it more than anything.
At least the cold water staves off the aching in my chest.
33
ROMAN
I’ve never been so torturedby sleep as I am now. For years, I’ve faced my memories of the Under Trials and the ghosts I’ve left behind. But now all I dream of anymore is the moment I betrayed the one person I care about. Is this what Nyla felt after she killed Dalton? Is this the suffering she endured before I bashed her head in?
Briar.I think her name a million times every night. I stand and watch her look at me with so much misplaced hope. Did I do it because Nolan ordered me to? Or did I do it because I was hurt by her lies?
Her broken body and desperate eyes haunt every waking moment of my days. There is no reprieve when I sleep. There is only horror and despair. As I watch myself make the same mistake over and over again.
I let her go. I handed her over to the monster she feared most, knowing very well that he might kill her.
I’m the true monster.
But she betrayed us… She lied to me and made me vulnerable, I reason. I did what Nolan said and disposed of her…even if it was indirectly. Deep down I’m hoping that Callum didn’t kill her.
And yet, I find myself frequenting the fields and trails where we’ve seen Sub-Rosa bury bodies in the past. I look for her even when I don’t realize it. I find myself doing strange things lately, lashing out at the squad and sitting in places that will make me cold to the bone.
I cannot sleep.
I pound my fist against my bedroom wall and tap my forehead repeatedly to it. Why did I do this to myself? I knew she was trouble. I knew it, and yet I still tried to save her. I should’ve sent her on her way out of town instead of asking for her help.
A sharp knock comes at the door.
I still and straighten my posture. “What?”
Gale’s voice comes in urgently from the other side of the door. “General Nolan is here, sir.”
My eyes widen.He actually came in person?
“Icarus Squad. I didn’t anticipate on many of you surviving that mission, but as fate would have it, Sub-Rosa is more merciful than we are. Or at least that’s what they would have us believe.”
Nolan’s hair is streaked with gray and white strands. His fade cut reveals the scars on the side of his head and the wrinkles of time that have burned through his weary soul.
