“But?” His tone is unreadable.
But you don’t know how she caresses my scars and yearns for every horror story I have wrapped up in my bones.
I clear my throat. “Nothing. I will carry out the mission and we’ll find their hideout.” The words taste like poison on my tongue. A loathing I’ve never felt for myself fills my chest.
“Good, andLieutenant?”
“Yes, general?”
“If she does end up surviving your use, I want her disposed of, got it? This isn’t something we can let a civilian live with.”
My throat is tight, and a knot forms.
“Yes, sir.”
The phone clicks, and I let it slide out of my hand. It falls to the floor and I stare at it for a few minutes. This shouldn’t be a big deal to me, so why is it? I want to covet her. Not hurt her.
What is it about Briar that drives me insane? Why do I see myself in her?
I let out a long groan and run my hand down my face.
If I don’t follow orders, my squad could be terminated, so there’s not much of a choice. Once an order is given, it must be seen through.
I’ve never not delivered, and I don’t plan on letting the general down.
21
BRIAR
When the guyscome back out from the room, Roman isn’t with them. I force my eyes to meet their gazes. They’ve all washed up and are clean. Gale’s in an unstained T-shirt and doesn’t look like he’s dying as he did earlier, so I allow a breath of relief out.
Thank God everyone looks okay minus some scratches and cuts here and there.
John lowers to his knee to get to my eye level and offers a small grin. “Hey. You all right?” He presses his wrist to my forehead to check my temperature.
I nod. “I just look like shit because I’ve been crying,” I say with a slight laugh. No one else finds it amusing.
“Here, I’ll help you get cleaned up while the guys get a movie going. We’re making tacos tonight too,” he says in a chipper tone.
I blink twice. “A movie? Dinner? Do you have any idea what just fucking happened? This isn’t okay, none of this is okay.” I motion my hands to them. How can they just act like this is normal. Gale was fucking shot and peopledied.
John squeezes my hand reassuringly. “I know it seems like that for you, Briar, but this is what our squad has been trained to deal with. You can hold on to the trauma and the shit and let itruin your day, or you can move the fuck on and enjoy your night. Tomorrow isn’t promised, not for me, you, not even Roman.”
My chest constricts at the thought of any of them dying. “I get that. But I haven’t been trained to deal with this… It’s a lot, John. It’s too much. I just want to…”
He looks at me as we reach the bathroom, and he has me sit on the tub wall. “Just want to what?”
“I want to go home.”But I don’t have one.
I hate how defeated and sad I sound, but I’m too tired to care.
John wets a towel and wipes my face gently. His weak smile is soft and reassuring. “Don’t we all?” He’s quiet for a few minutes as he finishes wiping me down and scrubs the blood from my hands. “Do you want a word of advice?”
I meet his ocean eyes. “Home is where the heart is?” I scoff and glance down at my hands.
He grips my chin and tilts it up until I’m looking at him. “Home is where the squad is, Private Squirt.” John winks, and it brings a smile to my lips.
I hold on to those words more than he could ever know.
