I’m tempted to ask more about Katarina’s past life, but I’m in no mood to give her the chance to cleanse her soul. “This isn’t selfless,” I correct her. “You’ve made it abundantly clear there are multiple threats hanging over the people I love, and I couldn’t survive seeing them hurt. I’m not a hero, I’m a coward.This…” I tap the gun against my head. “It’s the only way I can guarantee everyone’s safety.”
“I’m sorry!” Katarina pleads, closing the distance between us with one step.
My grip on the gun slips. Damn it, my hands are clammy. The longer I put this off…
“I fucked up and I’m sorry,” Katarina continues quickly, “but you have to stay the course. You can’t be this fucking selfish!”
“Why not?Youare!”
“Because what you’re facing now has been my entire fucking life!” She glowers at me. “Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? Poor Duke had to put his plans on hold for a few weeks before he gets to pick up his life and do whatever the fuck he wants! Boo-fucking-hoo! Well, what about me?”
She shoves me hard against my chest and as I stumble back, I stretch out my arms to balance myself.
“All my life, I’ve been moved from pillar to post at my uncle’s whim,” she continues. “And the Griffins are about to do the same. Ash asked me once what I wanted out of life, and do you know something?” She casts her gaze down, briefly hiding the pain that skitters across those fathomless brown eyes. “These last few months have been as close as I’ve come to getting that.Here.”
When she looks up, I raise an eyebrow. Please, god, the last thing I need right now is for her to say she’s been hiding feelings for me.
Katarina smirks at my reaction and the vulnerability I’d glimpsed disappears back behind the masks she wears. “I didn’t mean you, asshole,” she clarifies. “I meant being settled in one place and, up until recently, not having to worry about what fresh horrors my uncle has imagined for me.”
“But you’d get the same security if you just accepted the new life on offer,” I challenge.
She strokes a hand down my arm, following my sleeve to my shirt cuff, my wrist, my hand. She pulls the gun from my grasp. “Not without sacrifice.”
There’s something in her tone that feels familiar. A sacrifice that feels familiar. “You’d be giving up your person.”
She tsks at me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have a person.”
I blow out a breath. “Neither do I now.”
“Yes, you do. You said there were threats to the people you loved. Don’t try to deny you didn’t include Grace in that number.”
She’s very much included. Which means I do love her. For all the good that love serves.
“She isn’t mine if she refuses to be,” I clarify. “And afterthat little act we put on in my office, that’s exactly what she’s doing.” I’d asked Ed to send Grace a meeting request for Monday at our usual time. She hasn’t accepted.
“We can fix that.”
“Youcan keep the fuck away from her.” I should feel a resurgence of my anger, but I’m too emotionally drained to feel much at all. “And there’s no point fixing anything if we’re back at square one.”
“There are no backwards steps in this game. Plans can be adapted,” she says cryptically. “I hadn’t appreciated the importance of Grace, or the sacrifice I was asking you to make. If she’s what you need to keep going, we’ll find a workaround.”
“I won’t put her at risk,” I insist. “If you found out how Grace was connected to me, so can your uncle.” I tilt my head to the side. “How did you find out?”
“We might have reached a new understanding, but I’m not giving away all my secrets. Let’s just say I’m good at getting what I want.”
She taps the barrel of the gun against my chest. It’s a case in point. How the hell did she disarm me without me consciously giving up my weapon? Maybe one day I’ll be grateful she did, but there’s a good chance all Katarina’s given me is an extension of my purgatory.
“The only thing I need your help with, Katarina, is arranging another check in with Fitz.”
“Easily done,” she says. “We can use the trauma of Rory’s accident to explain why you were desperate to get to me. You needed reassurance that Fitz was still safe and you took out your fear and frustration on poor Danyl.”
It’s a good reminder of how skilled Katarina is at manipulating the narrative. I still can’t trust her, but maybe we can work with instead of against each other. “Speaking ofDanyl, do not ask me to apologize. And tell that pair of asswipes there’ll be no more body searches.”
“Anything else to put your mind at rest?” she asks as she weighs the gun in her hand.
“As long as my people don’t get hurt, we’re good.”
Katarina blows out a long breath, then moves close enough to drop her forehead to my chest. I’m too stunned to push her away.
