I close my eyes and wonder how hard it would be to kill myself and why I didn’t go through with it back in Paul’s Montana lodge. I wasso closeto freedom. True freedom.
And I backed out.
Ichosethis. I chose evil.
“Oh, come on, Syrsee. You’re being dramatic.”
“Dramatic?” My eyes fly open and I stare at him. Ryet is still feeding on me, but the sensation of the pull is gone. Like he’s nothing but an illusion, which I’m sure he is. He’s not at the Guild any more than I am. He’s in the ground, choking on dirt. “I’m a bag of blood. I’m a womb. A factory. That’s it. I don’t want to do this.”
“Well, of course not. Who would? But that’s because I haven’t explained your reward yet.”
“Reward?” I scoff.
“Carrots and sticks, dear Syrsee. You respond much better to carrots. And once you have this baby, my bouncing baby Darkness, I will stuff you full of carrots. So many carrots that you won’t mind that I stole a life from you.” He smiles here. A big warm lie, this smile. “If it all goes well, I will steal many lives from you. One after the other after the other. And you will not care. It’s a very good trade, dear Syrsee.”
“What are you talking about?”
“A fiction, you see. I’ve planned it all out. A special little place for you and Ryet and”—he gestures to my stomach again—“a never-ending supply of babies. You see, I have a plan, Syrsee. And it’s quite complicated. Some of it happens here—” He pans a hand to indicate the illusion we’re currently part of. “Some of itthere.” He flicks his fingers into the air, like wherever ‘there’ is, it’s ethereal. “Here and there,” he continues. “That’s the best of both worlds. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The babies are necessary for things that will happen ‘here’. And that is where you come in.”
This is when everything that happened at the cabin comes back to me.There is a cycle, Syrsee. I am not a feeder. I’m abreeder. I look at Paul. “My reward is living inside an illusion?”
“Just think of it as a book.” His smile is delightful, like he is the most cunning and clever thing in the world. And he is, so I guess he’s earned that smile. “You made such a big deal about reading the books. And now you get to live in one. How fun is that?”
“I don’t want to live in a fiction.”
His words come out angry and frustrated. “Everything is a fiction, Syrsee. There’s no reality. It’s fake. It’s an illusion. The Darkness rules this world.” He lets out a breath, takes one in, and composes himself. “And it needs to stop. That’s why I’m doing all this. We’ve got to put an end to it! And the babies guarantee that. Ryet as well, of course. But I would never leave him to die. I would never do that. Not after all the trouble I’ve gone to. Not after all my careful work. He’ll be safe in the end.” But right after he says these words, his eyes shift. And I know it’s a lie.
I scoff again. “You’re trying to save theworld? Do you really expect me to believe that?”
He waves a hand in the air. “Who cares what you believe. You’re a vessel. Filled with blood and babies.” He smirks down at me, one eyebrow cocked. “This is as good as it gets.”
I wake up again, choking on dirt, trying to claw my way up. But then Paul’s voice is in my head. “Do notleave him in the ground, Syrsee.Do not.”
“I’m not gonna leave him! I’m trying to leaveyou!”
“You can’t just claw your way back up to the real world, Syrsee. You have tofeedhim.”
I make myself pause here. To try and come to terms with what the actual fuck is happening to me. But I don’t know. I can’t think my way through this. “What has happened? Tell me what is going on, or I swear to God, Iwillleave him and all your careful work will be for nothing.”
It's a lie. I won’t leave Ryet. He’s all I have left and I’m gonna fight for this man until my last dying breath. And while Paul should know this, he hedges. Then, he answers. “He’s buried next to you, just a few feet away.”
“Why didn’t you just bury us together? Could’ve saved me some time clawing through the dirt.”
“Because we weren’t sure who would wake up first. You or Ryet.”
“Why does that matter?”
“Well…” Paul’s chuckle reverberates in my head. “Because he’s amonster, Syrsee. And while you’re no angel, you’re no match for him.”
“What are you saying? That if he had woken up first, he’d have torn me apart?”
“See? You’re not so stupid.”
I close my eyes, willing this all to be a nightmare.
“This is as real as it gets because this is as good as it gets.” Paul repeats this phrase with his trademark smarmy charm that I’m sure, if I could see him, would come with a matching smarmy smile. “This, finally, is your reality, Syrsee. You make blood and babies. And for now, you feed me and Ryet. I rather like how this has turned out. You’re pretty, and your blood is sweet, and those babies of ours will be gorgeous. They will ensure an everlasting rule here in this realm we call reality. Which is still a dream so you might as well just give in and enjoy it with me. Ryet sure will.”
“You don’t know that.”
