“Even on our way here I kept thinking through if there were any signs that we missed. I saw her almost every day. How is it possible that I didn’t see her mental state deteriorating?”
I wondered why she didn’t mention the scarf. Was she protecting me?
“I don’t know. I feel the same way. I mean, she said weird stuff sometimes. You know how she gets about her percentiles.”
“Oh my god. The percentiles.”
“Like, girl, stop telling me I’m in the ninetieth percentile of attractiveness or whatever. I get it’s supposed to be a compliment but it’s weird. But she’s always said that. It hasn’t been a recent thing.”
“Oh, you got ninety? She always told me that I was eighty.” They both laughed. Even I couldn’t help but smile.
“And what was Alex?”
“Not sure. She never gave a percentile for Alex.”
“God, such a weirdo. I always thought she was a weirdo. But not clinically psychotic.”
“The Harvard thing was a bit suspicious.”
“Right…right. Did you ever find out if she actually got in?”
Eunjin whispered something that I couldn’t hear.
“Yeah…I see.”
“Maybe there was more we could’ve done. I mean, looking back now, there were definitely signs.”
“Maybe. But it could just be something with her brain chemistry, who knows.”
“Yeah. Maybe biologically she was already in a vulnerable state, and then the law school rejections really fucked her up. Set something off.”
“That’s true.”
“I mean, Harvard was all she talked about for four years.”
“That’s true.”
“Like, literally all she talked about.”
“Poor girl.”
I would’ve liked to keep eavesdropping but the “poor girl” comment was too much to take.
“You know I can hear you, right?” I croaked from the hospital bed. A few seconds of furious whispers, then the door opened and the two of them walked in. Leah was holding two balloons and Eunjin was carrying a little pink box that I knew even before peeking inside would be apricot linzer cookies from the Hungarian Pastry Shop.
“Sorry, these were all they had.” Leah tugged the balloons down so I could see. One of them was baby blue and said, “It’s a boy!” And the other had “Happy 40th Birthday!” written in bright magenta lettering.
“We thought you’d find it funny,” she added sheepishly.
“I do find it funny. I just can’t laugh because I’ve broken two ribs.” I gave her the closest thing I could get to a laugh, which was something between a cough and a snicker.
“You do look pretty horrible,” Leah said.
Eunjin slapped her arm. “I mean, she’s not wrong,” she said. “You do. ButI, for one, wasn’t going to say that to your face.”
—
I learned about the detailsin bits and pieces. Shortly after I left the bar, I walked around the East Village with a dreamy smile. Witnesses said that I had been talking to myself. Most of them just thought I was drunk or high. I didn’t hesitate when walking onto the road. I didn’t brace for impact. I didn’t seem to see the cars or hear their honks. It was as though I were a ghost, as though I believed I existed in a separate dimension and was thus immune to the physical objects around me, as though I were singularly focused on reaching my destination on the opposite side of the street. But alcohol and drugs couldn’t explain my behavior. For one, I hadn’t taken any drugs. For two, my blood alcohol level was barely above the limit for driving. So the explanation that both the medical professionals and my friends and family all accepted was that I had experienced a psychotic break.
