I look at my friend, her kind eyes and messy hair. I don’t want to be the one who makes her sad, but I don’t want a lot of things.
“My meds aren’t working as well anymore. Or at least they’re starting not to. There’s some stiff muscle that wasn’t stiff before. My ejection fraction fell—not enough blood is pumping out. EBE’s timeline might have just gotten cut in half.”
“In half…” Maddy processes. “So, like, maybe two years instead of five?”
I shake my head. I’m trying not to do the math, because all I can see is a big, blurry image of nothingness in my future. “I don’t know. My doctor will tell me more after I see her in Boston.” I push the fries away and poke at the other box. Maddy opens it to reveal her famous arugula salad topped with strawberries, watermelon, lemon vinaigrette, goat cheese, and a drizzle of honey.
“I probably won’t be able to go to Paris next year,” I say quietly. I’m devastated. Maddy had already picked out a pastry course and applied to be there at the same time as me. “Even ifI manage to crawl up to the top of the list and a heart becomes available…I don’t know if I’ll recover in time. I might not ever be able to go.” My voice breaks, and I wipe away tears.
Maddy snaps her head up at that. “What? Don’t say that. You’re going to Paris. Maybe not next summer, sure, but the summer after that, then. And you don’t need the fellowship to go. We can just go. When you have your new heart and you’re ready. Okay?”
I nod, not trusting myself to talk.
“Good.” Maddy plucks a berry from the salad and pops it into her mouth. “Now back up five steps and tell me about what happened with Luke.”
I feel my face crack with a smile I can’t contain despite the epically shitty news, and Maddy gasps.
“Nothing really happened,” I say.
“Bullshit,” Maddy deadpans. I laugh.
“Okay…he said he likes me, like he has feelings for me.”
Maddy squeals and scoots closer to me. “I knew it! What did you say back?”
“Well, nothing…That’s when I passed out.”
“Has he called?”
“Yeah…”
“You should talk to him.” Maddy prods me in the shoulder.
I pick out a piece of watermelon and make sure to get some of the cheese. “Did you know there’s a theory that every heart has a preset number of beats in it?”
Maddy scoffs. “Sounds made-up.”
I shrug. “It’s just a theory. But do you know what happens when I hang out with Luke?”
“Your heart races,” Maddy teases, pretending to swoon across my bed.
“Exactly. I swear, just thinking about him shortens my lifespan.”
“That’s not fair. To him or to you. If the idea is you only have so many heartbeats, then use them for what matters.”
“What if it fizzles out immediately and we ruin our friendship for good? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I die and break his heart?” I sigh and fidget with the edge of my comforter. “What if I’m scared he’ll break mine?”
“Then be scared, but don’t stall your life.”
We spend the rest of the afternoon watching TikTok videos as I pry details out of Maddy about Sienna. They bought tickets to a concert together that’s not until October, so it must be going well. After Maddy leaves, I pull out my phone to text Luke. What I’ve learned in the last day is that I don’t have time to worry about how things will go between Luke and me. If all I have time for is a long goodbye, I’ll take it, if he’ll let me. I won’t blame him if he wants to go back to just being friends, though. I’ll take that too.
Sera
meet me at the studio tomorrow after campers leave? Please? I owe you an explanation…good night xo
Chapter Twenty
Sera
