“Come home with me, Lois.”
“Nope.”
“I said I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you.”
“And that’s great. I appreciate it, I really do. But the answer’s still no.”
I deserve more than a shitty couch.
He makes to reply, but I’m on a roll.
“It’s better this way—and you know it. It went on for way longer than we planned, and now you want me back because you feel guilty, or lonely, or something, and that’s just not going to work for me anymore.” I take a deep breath in. “I don’t want to be some girl crashing on your couch. What worked for me all those months ago is over. You helped me out, and I’m so thankful for that. But I don’t need you anymore.”
It’s so painful to hear, and worse still, it’s not true—my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, but deep down I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ve just delivered a sucker punch, I can see it on his face. I keep my lips pinched tight, willing myself to stick to my word.
“You don’t need me, either,” I add.
He lets out a long sigh. And then he starts the car and pulls out in silence. We drive, and drive, and drive. I can tell his mind is racing, and I want to yell at him to speak, to say something—anything—but as per usual, he doesn’t say a word. What did I expect? This is the mysterious Lane O’Neill in all his splendor, ladies and gentlemen! And I don’t have the energy to try to figure him out anymore.
When we near the mall, I tell him he can drop me anywhere.
I’m late, and though my enthusiasm for getting coffee with Kirk has faded even more than before, Lane clearly has nothing left to say to me—we’re done here. The guy sure knows how to rub salt in the wound. For the briefest of moments, I had thought… I shrug the idea away. It doesn’t matter what I thought. All I know is I need to get out of this car ASAP. He pulls up outside the entrance, and I unclip myself, mumbling a rushed “Thank you” and swinging open the door. Just as I’m about to step out, he reaches for my arm.
“You’re wrong. I—”
“It’s too late. You said sorry, and I get that, but—”
“Are you meeting up with Kirk?” Lane leans back, his eyes drifting somewhere behind me.
I follow his gaze and swallow hard as I spot my ex just a few feet away from us.Amazing timing.
“Of course you are.” His voice has chilled. “Now that Kirk’s in the game again, who needs stupid old Lane, right?”
In another time, another place maybe, I would have leveled with him—told him I’m meeting Kirk for the hell of it, because I have no idea what I really want anymore. I would have told him a whole bunch of things. I would have laid my soul bare. But he lost that right a few weeks ago. Lane doesn’t get to hear my innermost thoughts anymore.
“Are you kidding me? You’re the one who—”
“You know what? Get out. I think I get the idea,” he snarls. “You’re right, I did feel guilty—but I’m feeling a whole lot better now.You should be thanking me. Mission accomplished, huh? Kirky finally saw the light.” Lane scoffs.
There’s a pressure mounting in my chest. “Don’t do this.”
“Feel free to come crash on the couch next time you need to get laid—it was cool.”
I thought our showdown in the apartment was the worst pain I’d ever feel. I was wrong. I should just leave him here with all his bullshit, but he needs to know he crossed a line.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” I spit. “I never signed up to be your hookup! After everything we had, this is how you talk to me?” I shake my head. “Don’t get me wrong—I knew you were an asshole. I guess I just didn’t realize you were this bad. I thought we were friends. You know, I actually thought I meant something to you, and that…”
I pause to catch my breath.
“I know this is stupid and I should just be the bigger person here, but you know what, Lane? Let me tell you something.” I lean into him. “I was hoping so hard you would ask me to stay that night. Because I felt good, living there. With you. I actually felt like myself again, like there was someone who finally got me. So yeah, okay—I misunderstood your offer. I really thought you were saying I should take that room—”
“I never—”
“I know!” I yell. “I fuckinggetit, okay? Of course that room was never for me! OfcourseI didn’t deserve an actual room for myself! Stupid, desperate me!”
“That’s not it.”
“You thought I wasn’t worthy, or something—just say it!” I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. “Just fuckingsayit!”
