“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”
Malene led me to the detached garage. She tapped a combination in a keypad. “It’s easy to buy and sell a car these days. You can purchase online. Someone will deliver your vehicle and take your trade-in. Voila! See my latest?”
My jaw dropped. Inside the garage sat a cherry-red Mazda Miataconvertible.The two bucket seats were smaller than my butt, I swear.
I pointed at the vehicle. “Are you sure that you can get into that? Don’t you have bursitis or something?”
Malene smoothed her coiffed hair. “Just because I’m old, that doesn’t mean that I have bursitis.”
“Oh, sorry,” I replied, feeling ashamed. “I was pretty sure that I’d heard you mention it before.”
“Get in the car and stop your yammering before I un-invite you to dinner.”
I ducked my head in embarrassment. “Yes, ma’am.”
I got in the car and fastened my belt. Even though I was pretty sure that Malene wasn’t going to speed or anything, I still wanted to obey the laws.
The shiny new key dangled from a furry rabbit’s foot on a chain. “You ready? I haven’t taken this baby out yet.”
I eased back onto the leather seat and rested my arm on the lip of the door. “Oh, I’m ready. Let’s do this.”
The engine purred when Malene started it. She put the gear shift in reverse and hit the gas.
I slammed into the dashboard. “Whoa!”
“Sorry. Got your seat belt on, right?”
“Yep.”
She winked at me. “Good. You’re gonna need it.”
With that, Malene reversed all the way down the drive and onto the street. She hit the brake, put the car in first and off we went.
I did not realize it when Malene had her old boat of a vehicle, but now I saw that my grandmother had a lead foot.Y’all.We went sixty miles an hour in a zone marked thirty-five. She flipped off at least two other old ladies on our way to the buffet—just for going too slow.
“If you can’t run with the bulls, stay home,” she yelled at one octogenarian.
I slid down onto the seat, making myself as small as possible. By the time we reached the restaurant, Malene had run at least one stop sign, cussed out half the town, and had just about made me poop my pants with fear.
When she finally parked, I snatched the keys from her hand. “I’m driving on the way back. You’re going to get us killed.”
She got out and glared at me. “I’m sorry, Clem. But you don’t know what it’s been like pretending to be an old lady.”
“You are an old lady. You don’t have to be a fragile one, but you still are.”
Malene pulled out her compact and smoothed her hair. “I spent so much time trying to keep up my disguise so that you wouldn’t suspect anything that it’s going to take me some time to adjust. I might go overboard at first. Don’t worry, I’ll calm down.”
“Before or after you give me a heart attack?”
She considered that. “I’m not sure.”
I rolled my eyes. “Come on. Let’s get something to eat. I’m starving.”
Malene led the way into the Country Buffet. The big thing that this place traded in was apples. The owners had an orchard not far outside of town, and they sold all sorts of apple-related food in the buffet—pies, fritters, strudel, crumble, and crisp. Not to mention that you could also buy a baked apple filled with honey and cinnamon.
To top it off, the storefront sold tons of apple-related stuff. The store offered T-shirts with the slogan,If You Can’t Apple Them, Join Them. It was a saying in town and, in my opinion, had no real meaning other than to be a way to sell apple merchandise.
This time of year, all the merchandise was brown and forest green, the colors of fall. Silk leaves dangled from a wire that ran across the open rafters of the building. It was like stepping into a forest. I wondered if there were any fake animals set up somewhere eating apples. You know, like a display.
