She loves it. She hates herself for it, hates how much she wants it. How good godhood looks on her.
The vision fades, and she opens her eyes to meet Sidarphion’s. “You have until his death day. That’s how long you have until the bargain takes you instead. The choice is yours, Starling. You can be a god, or you can be another dead girl. You can rule the dark with me, or you can be buried in it.”
Claudia’s stomach bottoms out. A lump tightens in her throat. She doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what she wants, doesn’t know what’s good or wrong or evil or right.
She’s lost herself.
Claudia realizes now that they both hold each other’s fate in their hands. She’ll decide if he goes free. He’ll decide if she lives. They both have so much to gain and just as much to lose. And neither of them trusts the other to come through.
A tear slides down Claudia’s cheek. “Please don’t let me die.”
“Don’t make me kill you.”
She looks into his eyes for a long time. “You really mean it, don’t you? You’ll take my life.”
“That is the nature of a bargain with me.”
A strained, breathy laugh escapes her. “I was a fool to think you wanted to help. Tosaveme,” she says, mocking herself.
“No,” he says through his sharp teeth. “I did save you, and now I want to reward you for everything you’ve done. This bargain is the last demand I will make of you, Starling. After that, you will be the one who takes a piece of my soul. You will be the god to whom I bow.”
Maybe he truly doesn’t want her to die. Maybe he cares, in his own twisted way.
But he doesn’t care enough to let her live. And she cares too much to set him free.
“Please,” he says like it’s the first time he’s ever said the word, like it’s a language he doesn’t quite understand. “Keep your word. Make the right decision. In a century from now, when you are a god yourself, seated beside me, you will know that it was worth it.”
Claudia wakes up vibrating with pain. On shaky legs, she leaves the chapel, torn between killing and dying. Between love and power. Between grief and godhood.
She could ascend. She could be Auridolace.
But she would be alone.
No—worse. Worse than alone. She would be with Sidarphion.
What’s the answer here? She was going to talk to Triche and find a way to force Cassius into ascension trials in order to escape his deadly fate. But if Cassius is protected by the gods to the point where she can’t kill him, it will guarantee that she doesn’t survive.
Can she sign her own life away? Can she let herself be killed?
There’s no right answer. No solution. One of them has to die.
All she can think to do is search for some way to break the bargain, because if it comes down to it, if it’s him or her…
She simply doesn’t trust herself.
She’s killed before. What if she does it again?
No.No.Cassius will not die by her hand. Even if she loses her mind. Even if she has to bury herself alive to ensure she can’t get to him. Even if she must get herself expelled. If they were realms apart, there’s no way she could kill him.
But the thought strikes her then: Without Cygnus, where will she go? What would she do if she could never return here? There is no home waiting for her—only a blood-soaked room and likely an arrest. There’s nowhere else to run.
She crashes into her room and falls back on her bed. It feels like the ceiling is coming down on her and the walls are closing in. The room is drenched in darkness, and her body cries out in agony. Some of her nails are split down the middle all the way to the cuticle from where she clawed at an immortal god. Her lips are swollen from his kiss. Her stomach is full of his blood. Blue and black bruises decorate her arms like tattoos.
What is she going to do? What the fuck can she do?
Turning onto her side to keep from being sick, she spots Odette’s diary beckoning her from the floor.
There are a few pages left. Claudia says a silent prayer that there will be something inside that can help.
