He was so scared.
The building emotions, the bonds growing between them, all brought him face-to-face with his unhealed wounds.
Next month marked four full years since his and Elaine’s first separation. The anger and hurt and frustration were not just memories of a very bad time. They were with him still. Adding to the latent fear that he might not be ready. That he would wind up making the same mistakes all over again.
He did not try to tell himself he was worried for Jenna’s sake. How he might hurt a good woman through no fault of hers.
Tempting. But no.
This was a selfish fear, and three years of therapy had left him able to confront it honestly. He was afraid of hurting himself all over again. Afraid he didn’t have the strength to go through yet another disastrous end to a relationship that should never have been allowed to start. Or grow to the point where it was now. Relying on her for so much. She was part of it all now. His dream, the boat, and his tomorrow. Each step had seemed so natural. And yet as he faced thenextstep, thenextmove, the transition into real love . . .
He had no idea what to do. Or rather, he knew what heshoulddo. But how? Wrench it all apart? Be partners in the boat and end the romance?
Yes. Yes.
He felt the urge growing....
And yet.
Just thinking about the prospect of actually doing it left his heart aching.
Noah carried his dilemma to bed. He lay down and listened to the night sounds through his screened window. Drifting off, he wondered if perhaps there was actually no right next move. Whatever he did, it would hurt, and he would be rendered damaged and bruised all over again.
The transition from awake to sleep was so smooth Noah was not even aware it had happened. He simply carried on with his worries, only now they took the form of dreams.
He stood in the home that used to be his. Or theirs. He and his ex were arguing. As usual. The reason for this quarrel was so trivial, so unimportant, he was mostly angry about giving it time and energy. As if the outcome did not matter at all. Whether or not he won, or even if she understood why he was angry. None of that mattered. They argued. It was what they did.
In his dream, Elaine kept moving from room to room. He followed behind, using her distance as a reason to shout. Frustrated that he could not get her to just let it go, give him a chance to have a quiet night. He was so tired. Strung out from a hard and exhausting day. Abruptly he realized this was the real reason for her anger. She hated how he came home with so little to give. Wanting nothing more than a chance to kick back, relax, take an easy breath, reflect on everything that had to happen the next day.
Instead, she shouted. About what didn’t matter.
He kept following Elaine from room to room. Always one step behind. She stayed just far enough ahead that he followed the sound of her voice, never actually seeing her.
Suddenly, it all changed.
He was in the farmhouse. Tracking her from one old wood-lined room to the next, maneuvering around his unpacked boxes and crates. Still shouting. He accelerated, wanting to catch her, ask her what she was doing here in this new phase of his life....
He entered the kitchen. She stood by the rear window, silhouetted by the afternoon light. She turned . . .
It was Jenna.
CHAPTER23
Jenna’s days became structured around achieving Noah’s goals.
On the surface, the days passed in an orderly procession. Down deep, however, Jenna knew something was seriously wrong.
Ethan took his vacation to complete work on the main deck. He was crucial to their progress now, the master artisan, the artist whose tools were wood and epoxy and polish and sweat. Jenna and Liam both served as his assistants. Ryan came and went according to her hours on duty, usually timing so as to bring the day’s one main meal. Noah worked high overhead, repairing the flying bridge.
His position today was pretty much how he had remained all week. Or so it seemed to her. Always there, perpetually at a distance.
Jenna wondered if Noah was upset over how she had pressed him to contact Amos. Was he the kind of guy who couldn’t take being ordered around by a woman? Her mind said no. But she could not find another decent reason to account for how he remained so distant.
Twice during that period, Bear erupted in the night.
Jenna learned about it only because Amos and Zia told her. When she asked Noah, he made light of the moments when Bear started barking, loud enough to wake Amos a quarter mile away. The second time, Zia arrived with a forensics specialist from the San Lu force. The woman made a painstaking inspection of the surroundings, took everyone’s fingerprints and dusted the boat, then made plaster casts of tire tracks down by the cottonwoods at the valley’s far end. Noah spent the time glancing repeatedly at his watch. But Amos’s hard glare kept his brother from protesting the lost hours.
Liam became Jenna’s constant companion. The youth almost never spoke. When she glanced over, even to smile or point out the next task, he almost always looked away. She assumed it was a case of puppy love, but that did not make it any less important, at least in Liam’s eyes. Jenna found she did not mind his quiet attentiveness, not in the least. Especially when Ethan and Ryan both accepted her as a trusted friend, because of how she treated the young man.
