His words bust the breath out of me. “W-what? When?”
“When Mabel was a toddler,” he answers, grimly. “It was only a one-off and I’m not proud of it. I’m actually really bloody ashamed.”
I snatch a breath. “I can’t believe it. You’re going to have to tell me exactly what happened.”
He puts the letter back in the envelope. “It was when I was in London for a work conference. On the last night, a few of us went out in Soho for some drinks. It was early summer so we were standing outside a pub and I kept seeing all these gay men walking past, in couples and groups of friends. I wanted to follow them, I wanted to join them, and as soon as the idea entered my head I just couldn’t resist. So I told everyone I was tired and going back to the hotel, but I walked down the street and slipped into a gay bar. And it was weird: I was only in there for five minutes and all these men started chatting me up and flirting.”
“That doesn’t surprise me. You’re hot.” I give him a smile but immediately regret making light of his story.
“Anyway, I got talking to this American guy who seemed nice and was staying in a hotel nearby.” Theo pauses and pain skitters across his face. “You know what, let’s skip the details and just say I went back to his hotel and woke up there the next morning.”
“OK,” I say, gently. “I don’t need to know more.”
Theo starts wringing his hands. “And I felt terrible about it. Absolutely bloody terrible. So as soon as I got home I told Kate. Except I didn’t tell her it was a man—I just couldn’t. So I changed the pronouns and told her it was a woman.”
So that’s what he meant when he said it was complicated.
“And what did she say?” I ask. “How did she react?”
He exhales shakily. “She was devastated, completely broken. Then she got angry and threatened to tell the kids—and my parents.”
My eyes widen. “And did she?”
He goes back to wringing his hands. “No, she calmed down and eventually forgave me. We agreed to work on the marriage and give it another go.”
I inch closer to him. “But Theo, that was your chance. Youcould have saved yourself so much torment if you’d taken it and broken free.”
He frowns. “But I wasn’t ready. And the circumstances wouldn’t have been right: I hated myself for what I’d done.”
“And let me guess—Kate made you feel grateful to her for forgiving you.” I realize my lip’s curling. I wipe the bitterness from my face.
“She didn’tmake mefeel grateful,” Theo corrects me. “Iwas. Not everyone would have done that, Ads.”
I tip my head to one side. “Fair point. I’ll give her that.”
Theo lays his hands flat on the sheets. “Anyway, Kate had always wanted a third baby so we agreed to start trying. She thought it would bring us closer together.”
“I bet she did,” I’m tempted to add, but stop myself.
“And when Archie arrived,” Theo goes on, “in a funny way it did.”
It dawns on me that this really is complicated. I let out a long breath. “I guess it’s like you said the other day: you can’t regret your actions if they’re the reason you have kids.”
“Exactly. And I was so happy to have Archie in my life, I just pushed my feelings down again. But sooner or later they came bubbling back up to the surface.” He breaks off and smooths out a crease in the sheets. “And, well, you know the rest.”
My eyes settle on the new laundry basket that’s overflowing. I’d do the washing myself but promised to leave it to Theo.
I turn back to face him. “But Theo, there’s one thing I don’t understand.”
He looks up. “What’s that?”
“Why are you telling me now? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Theo mistakes my curiosity for disapproval. “I’m sorry, Ads. I didn’t mean to lie to you.”
I shake my head. “You didn’t lie to me, Theo. What you said was the truth: you just simplified it and missed out some detail.”
“But I did lie to Kate.”
