I gaze out to beach and sigh. “You know, Theo and I came here on our second trip to Italy. We were just going for a walk on the beach, before we even knew it was gay. Then we saw the flag and it felt like a sign. We were so excited, so hopeful. I miss that.”
“Do you want to get it back?Doyou want to see this through?”
I take another swig of my drink. “But what do I do about the kids?”
Ian leans on the balustrade and steeples his fingers under his chin. “Could you ever see yourself being happy to have them in your life? I mean, actively happy. Or would you only ever be putting up with them to please Theo?”
I think of Callum when I catch a flash of Theo in his features. Or when I sense he’s worried about sweating too much, or being too skinny, or disappointing his dad. I think of Mabel when she’s playing with the kittens—and knowing there’s a sweet, uncomplicated girl hiding in there. And I think of Archie when he holds my hand. Or when he asks me to peel his fruit. Or when I take off his glasses to clean them, and he accepts it without a word.
“I like the person I am when I’m with the kids,” I answer. “I just don’t see how that’s compatible with the other side of me. With me being proud of who I am as a gay man.”
Ian finishes his drink and rests the glass on the floor. “Why shouldn’t it be? Being a parent or step-parent or whatever doesn’t have to involve hiding away your sexuality. Not unless it’s something you think is bad and could corrupt them. Not unless you think being gay is just about having sex.”
Shit, is that really what I think?
“All you’re doing is presenting a slightly different version of yourself when you’re around the kids,” Ian continues. “And yes,it would be inappropriate to talk about sex in front of them but that’s true of a lot of people.”
I tap my foot against the balustrade. “I suppose it’s like when I’m with Auntie Julie or my old boss. I wouldn’t talk to them about sex. But that doesn’t mean I’m pretending not to be gay.”
“Exactly. And why shouldn’t you be able to express all those different sides of yourself at different times? Why should you have to limit yourself to any one side of your personality? They’re all part of you.”
I finish my drink and put it down next to Ian’s. “You know, this is brill, being here, being with my people—but I wouldn’t want it all the time.”
I turn around as a man struts past in Speedos and a bow tie in a Keith Haring print, followed by a drag queen wearing a crimped blond wig and a pink kimono.
“Can you imagine?” I say. “It’d be too much!”
We laugh.
“And do you think you’d have wanted kids?” Ian asks. “If things had been different?”
It’s the question that’s been on my mind ever since we had dinner with Luisa and Stefano. Although it gets right to the heart of the issue, I still haven’t been able to answer it.
“Yes, I think I probably would,” I admit for the first time. It almost sounds as if someone else is speaking. At the same time, I’m not surprised by my answer. I’m not surprised at all.
Ian nods, thoughtfully. “Care to elaborate?”
“I think the problem is I’ve never really known a happy family. I’ve certainly never known a happy queer family. So I’ve never been able to picture myself as part of one.”
Ian reaches for a fix of his lip balm. “Well, if you have no template to follow then you just have to create something new. But maybe that’s a good thing, an opportunity. We’re all unique so our relationships should also be unique. But the starting point has to be what’s in here.” He puts his hand over my heart. “And you’ve got to stay true to whatyouwant.”
I smile at him. “Thanks, my sister.”
Ian puts his arms around me and gives me a hug.
“Oh, and I do want Theo,” I add, as I break away. “Of course I want him. I’ve only ever wanted him.”
“I’m glad we’ve cleared that up.” Ian grins.
“Kids and all,” I toss in.
Ian’s grin grows. “Good to hear it.”
“Now come on, let’s find the girls.”
Chapter 21
The next morning, Gloria and Dom are hungover, but I’m relieved to see all three of my sisters packed up and ready to go when I drive down to the village. They have to leave their Airbnb by ten o’clock but they have less luggage than I expected—Dom’s tiny outfits making up for Gloria’s multiple wigs—so I cancel their taxi to the airport and say I’ll drive them. Before that, though, I’m taking them up to the house for brunch.
