I take it from him and slot it into my back pocket. “Grazie, Stefano.”
Stefano’s eyes stand out. “But Adam, you must read!”
“It’s OK,” I say. “I know what it is. I’ll read it later.”
It was written thirty-four years ago, I’m tempted to add.A few more hours won’t make a difference.
As the sun sets, I sit on the castle wall. Theo’s promised me I won’t be disturbed for as long as I need. I take a moment to savor the peace.
When I’m ready, I open the envelope and take out a second, smaller envelope. On it, Mum has written my name. Her handwriting is instantly familiar, but rather than feeling fear or excitement, I feel a sense of calm. It’s as if I’m confronting something much bigger than me, something I’m powerless to resist.
I pull out the letter. Mum’s written it in the same standard blue biro and on the same basic notepaper as the letters she wrote to Wilf. Once again, I can see the pressure she exerted on the page, except this time, as she wrote every word, she was thinking of me.
I run my hand over the lines, trying to feel a connection. And I may be kidding myself but I’m convinced I can feel her presence.
I start to read.
Dear Adam,
When you get this I’ll have gone away but don’t panic because it’s only for a couple of weeks while I sort myself out.
There’s something I need to tell you and I’m dead nervous so I’m just going to come out with it before I bottle it. I’ve fallen in love with a man called Gary. I tried my hardest not to, I want you to know that but when you get older you’ll understand we don’t always have control over who we fall in love with. And I did try to keep loving your dad but I couldn’t do that either. So I’m leaving him to set up a new home with Gary but I’m not leaving you and as soon as I can I’m coming back to fetch you so you can live with us.
I know this might come as a shock and I’m sorry about that and you might also think I’m being selfish but I haven’t been happy at home for a while now, although you might not even have noticed because I’m always happy when I’m with you but I want to be happy all the time and Gary makes me happy. I’m sorry if that upsets you, Adam.
Anyway I’m not very good at letter writing and I had to practise this one three times to get it right but I just want youto know that your dad will look after you and I’ve also written to Auntie Julie and asked her to call in and check on you both. Your dad’s a good man but housework isn’t his strong point and I don’t think he even knows how to use the hoover, I’m not even sure he knows where it is. I’ve also asked Auntie Julie to cook you some meals and you may be glad of that because let’s be honest I’m a dead loss in the kitchen. Now that I think of it you probably won’t miss me at all!
When I come back I’ll tell you the whole story and I’ll introduce you to Gary and I’ll also tell you about getting to know an uncle I haven’t seen for ages but I won’t do that now as I’ll do a much better job of it when I can speak to you. I just don’t want you to think I’ve forgotten you because I could never forget you. And if you need to remember that please sit on our bench in the back garden and look at the sunset like we do when we say goodbye to the day and know that I’ll be looking at the same sunset in Italy and I’ll be thinking of you because I love you. I love every bit of you, Adam. Never forget that.
With lots of love and kisses from,
Mum xxx
I breathe in and out slowly. And thirty-four years later, I do as Mum said. I look at the sunset and think of her.
I feel so calm and contented and soright—after years of feeling wrong—that it’s almost as if I’ve entered some new dimension. I wonder if this is what people feel when they meditate or have a spiritual experience. I feel very small, like a tiny part of a big wide world. But that’s good. It makes me feel secure, like I’m where I’m supposed to be.
I smile.
And I say out loud, “I love you, Mum.”
Chapter 46
“Ijust wanted to say thank you.”
“Thank you?” echoes Auntie Julie. “For what, chuck?”
“For everything you’ve done for me. For letting me come and live with you. For looking after me for so long.”
I’m in the olive grove, but not sitting down: I’m feeling too driven to keep still. The phone’s on speaker and I’m pacing between the trees, or as much as I’m able to pace without tripping over the uneven ground and knobbly roots. Now that I’ve told Julie about my conversation with Dad, I’ve switched the focus onto her.
“It’s only recently I’ve started to understand the sacrifice you made,” I elaborate. “And I don’t know what I would have done without you. So thank you. A big, big thank you.”
I can hear Julie sitting up and rearranging her cushions. “That’s lovely, chuck, but honestly, there’s no need. When you came to live with me, I was lonely. I was desperate to meet someone and have a family but for whatever reason, it just wasn’t happening. You rescued me from that.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, we formed a little family of our own, didn’t we? So I stopped aching for the thing I was missing. And then Jason camealong. And he’s my soulmate: he was always going to be the one for me. But if it weren’t for you, I’m not sure I’d have seen that.”
