“Well, I knew it was our Suzanne, as soon as she said it, I knew it. But I lied through my teeth and said I had no idea what she wason about. But Lauren said she was only trying to look out for me and the bloke your mum was seeing was trouble.”
“In what way? What did she mean?”
“I don’t know, chuck. I told you, I couldn’t stand the woman and I could tell she was enjoying the drama. So I made some excuse and pretended I had to go.”
“And then what happened?”
Julie breathes in and out, slowly. “I confronted our Suzanne about it. At least I did when I finally got hold of her. She avoided me for ages and I had to tell my boss I had a dentist’s appointment so I could get out of work early and wait for her at the bus stop. The second she clapped eyes on me, I knew what Lauren had said was true. She had a guilty look on her face.”
I sit up. “And what did she say?”
“Well, at first she didn’t say anything. She pretended she was in a rush and had to get home. But I said if she didn’t tell me what was going on, I’d come back every day till she did.”
By now the anxiety is screeching through me. “And did she?”
“Yeah. We went and sat on a bench in Piccadilly Gardens and she smoked about ten cigs and told me she’d fallen in love with some fella called Gary and she was going to leave your dad. I begged her not to and she said she knew I wouldn’t understand and that’s why she hadn’t wanted to tell me. She said it was easy for me because I was happy on my own and didn’t understand what it was like to be in love.”
Suddenly desperate to stretch my legs, I get up out of the hammock and retrieve my slider. “That wasn’t very nice of her.”
“Well, that’s what sisters are like. Brothers, too, I imagine. Our Suzanne was always jealous of me for getting into grammar school and I was always jealous of her for having her pick of the fellas, especially now people had started saying I was on the shelf. At the time, I wanted to get married and have kids but I was starting to face the fact it might never happen. And here was my sister, who had everything I wanted and was chucking it all away. I have to say, I lost my rag with her.”
I notice a plant with bright orange flowers, some of which are dead, and start pulling off the heads. “So you had an argument?”
Julie clears her throat. “We did, chuck. Although I didn’t tell her what that Lauren had said about her fancy man being trouble. I didn’t want to hurt her. Not that it made any difference; she stopped speaking to me anyway.”
“And how long was that before she died?”
“Not long. A few weeks?”
I can feel my mouth drying up as I build up to the question I want to ask most. “So how did she die? If you weren’t speaking, I take it you two weren’t on a night out?”
There’s another tense pause. “Well, no, not exactly. But I was there.” I get the impression Julie’s struggling. “Sorry, this is really difficult.”
I toss the dead flowers onto the ground. “I need to know, Auntie Julie. Please don’t lie to me anymore.”
“I didn’t lie to you, Adam. You need to know that. Me and your dad did decide not to tell you certain details, but we never lied to you.”
I believe her: the story she’s given corroborates exactly what I’ve read in the letters. “OK, but please stop holding things back. You said you always hated it when older members of the family held things back from you.”
“Yeah, but it’s not always good to know everything, chuck. There are some things it’s betternotknowing.”
I stop still, the anxiety tightening in my chest. I breathe in and out, slowly.
“So did Mum kill herself? Is that it?”
“No,” Julie answers, emphatically. “She didn’t kill herself.”
“Are you sure?”
“Completely sure.”
I sink down to the ground, my back coming to rest against the house’s bumpy wall. I can feel the lifting of a heavy weight that’s been pressing in on me, a heavy weight that’s been pressing in on me for so long I’d almost forgotten it was there, that I’d started to think it was part of me, part of who I am. So Mum didn’t want to get away from me. I was wrong.
“Look, chuck,” Julie breaks in, “it might be better if I sent you an email. It’s what we always tell people at work to do whenthey’re getting emotional. And I am getting emotional, and I’m sure you are, too. I need to think straight and not mess this up.”
I stare ahead. “But Julie, I really want to know.”
“And you will, Adam. You’ll just have to hang on a bit longer. Sorry.”
